The only way I know how to say

I will never be okay with the way these things went. I will always miss and love you. I haven’t been whole since lost my way and never will. There was only ever one thing I wanted and that was family. The one I never really had as a kid. The one that was taken from me. To have lost the only one I made makes this life barely worth living. Even when I’m isolated from the world and embraced by the very rare love that still finds me worthy I bare this deep deep pain.

To my family I once made , I hope you are well. I know so much has changed for you also. I miss you. Benjamin, Dad and Father .

Because it’s time to write

There is a pardox that exists between the heaven and hell that we create here in our minds. In that place where ones need to heard and the place one reaches when your ready to stop speaking to universe. At what point does the human heart mind and body reach the point where one can tolerate anymore more penece from life. This today to me is this paradoxical thing I see, this strand that exists between you and me. I wish you could feel inside my head and under what it is to feel everything and nothing at all. To have no feeling between complete redemption and utter hell beside the knowing that the lifeline I feel is millions of of eons old. The truths and that become more and more terrifying as I lose connection with this body. I wish I could explain the golden light that I see and simple truths that seem to escape everyone until it’s to late. Why is that why is it we must become so far away from the the things we think we want want most before we can see or even become the thing we are. Sadly as sit and remember a lifetime past. A cognisant life since the age one 1-2 years old gone by in this shell , trapped for so long and now I sit without the ability to to feel and at the same time feel everything at once so far beyond what human words can express… It’s like when you lose one sense others become increasingly more acute . So now imagine how it must feel to not feel hot or cold touch to see blue like you or feel hot to the touch. Where lash on back feels like a kiss on the cheek and the softest touch can bring raining fire down to hell and back racing through my body like liquid electric fire that burns burn never goes out. Imagine feeling nothing ….. But remembering the taste of blue and color of love and how pink makes cry when it burn my lips. How do I tell you I am here when red doesn’t sound like help, all you hear is hurt. Well this shell is here I’m here , I think , I hope , somewhere between heaven and hell, far past Neverland and just on the other side of candy mountain, you’ll find me there eating blue things and talking with the animals because they all now my name. Find me where blue meets you and green means everything. Because the sparkles in you your heart remind me home and the angels in your eyes sing such pretty songs.. where waterfall tears meet leather lace. A place where there is just one golden light that is created only by the giving of a soul … B2020 just a bunch of mixed up words followed by some inappropriately placed dots and dashes