Things written.. page 72,345 give or take

How lucky are we to live through this life long enough to endure the pain of its beauty. Sadly though to feel every thought of everything is to much for human heart to bare. Such a nostalgic wasteland of crushed dreams and next things. A consumption of time and stuff that bogs the mind and lessons the blows of age and time and death and fear of actually loving our dreams to there fullest. How frial this human heart that can best forever if givens chance yet breaks on dime and stops at every chance to weak to furthermore this broken shell. Words…… Drip from a wounded life , a tired soul lost inside a lost souls nightmare . Heartache is what breaks the human soul. I know , I’ve seen it with my own eyes as it devours everything in it’s path until it’s gone… These words , this life of constant questions and qweery. A life spent pondering why. A life worked hard for others gone and all for what? After a lifetime pondering and wondering the world I still don’t know the answer to the question or questions to answers I’ve found. I did meet a smaller me in cancer death. We sat and we cried as the life that was died. I wonder why I had to die that day so long ago so very far away when we heard the doctors say…… It’s Parkinson’s disease….. Everything is a bit hazzy since then and cancer did as it pleased.. Does one ever recover from such loss of lives, love and loss.

**It’s been a while since I’ve purged words from my soul, so please pardon the feverish flow of getting go of things I may never know. This life is not what I thought it would be and still find moments where I look back in utter shock and awe of the choices I felt I was forced to make and that of those I saw others make in the wake of what was . Cancer and it’s treatment are mother fx#&$er . There I’m done.

Benjamin. 2020

What can I say

These things between us have become demons and I don’t understand why, either one of had to die or go away to become a stray, a castaway from all the things that he made as if I,he me, we had a choice in the matters. All of us like mad hatter’s trying to find a perfect fit for stories omit the one thing that everyone forgot to ask why? Why did the world shift and change, rearrange it’s self in a dime? I wish knew boo, I really wish I knew. Maybe then you could too. Of all the things that have come and gone of you I understand least, I thought our bind was strong.. Even on my strongest days when the birds are singing and the medows are ringing with sounds of joyful glee. My soul is dead until I understand what happened, why you disappeared? Or did I ? I wonder why all of this came to be this vast ocean of thoughts and things of what used to be are now and have always been pieces of me. The sun tams my skin as my beard grows greyer by the day, even with my broken smile and the brightest day I miss you with every breath I’ve ever taken. Letters to my son.

Benjamin 2020