There are few times in which I feel most whole and normal. It’s probably when I’m in the most pain but my head is the most clear. It’s when I wake up first thing. My head hasn’t been filled with words and other people’s emotions and thoughts. The city is quiet everyone is asleep and world is peacefully sleeping. This is when I am most a one this myself . I can feel the tension in my tendons ready to snap over the slightest movement. Slowly I wake stretching each tiny bit and piece . Eventually making so my feet touch the floor, I’m sitting with my back straight ,knees bent and ready to stand up….15-20 mins later IM UP!!!
Yeah getting in a standing position from sitting has become more and more difficult. I’ve developed sciatica on my right side now which is making sitting or standing for longer than 10-15 min at a time excruciatingly painful but hey what’s a fella gonna do? I have to be sitting or standing?? Right, I’m not sure what the other natural human position would be?
Okay sooooo my mornings ,today for instance. I woke up at 230am after sleeping form 3-10p 12-230a 🤔🤔🤔 sounds bout right. Lately my body has been going through it’s biannual sleep switch where my days and nights switch. It’s a PD thing, I used to think it was me just being weirdo but thankfully no, every six months or so I swing to nights then back again. Hey built in reality/perspective changer right lol . I just roll with it 😂😂.
So pain in the AM. Yep by the truck load . Over the course of the night my body tightens up as I sleep the meds slowly leaving my system. So I wake kinda like it feels after you’ve been really really cold or sitting for a seriously unusually long amount of time in a very very confined space. It’s pretty wild tbh. I promised myself today that I would be kind to myself in the way I self talk.
Since Arizona and the things that happened just shortly after coming home those events killed whatever self-esteem I had left. I’ve been recovering from the trauma of those events and now six months later I’m at a place where I can think about what direction I’d like to go. I’m finding since these events my self-esteem is crap. My self talk is negative and I’m spending to much time looking outside myself for happiness. Valentine’s day really showed me that. So today Monday the whatever of February? I’m not going to let negative self talk enter my head and heart. I wanted to not complai about stuff on this post. Kept it real and not to heavy , at least I don’t think to heavy. Remember the weight of your burdens is dependent upon your perception of their weight. Think about that for while. Trying to keep it real and feel but still have the power to heal.
I have nothing good to say today. So I’m going to say everything by writing nothing. Well nothing compared to the whole I space I was ready to tare..
Two humans whom I’ve recently known have given me the opportunity to realize my greatest fears and pushed me to grow further than I realized I could and for that I’ll say thank you. May the good Lord take you sooner than later. Just saying 😉
Everything is frozen…. I love it this way. It makes the town silent. I like that theses days. It quiets the demons that still rages in my soul. I’m not a surgeon nor psychic but I can plainly see the damages that have been done to me. All you see are these quakes and shakes cover me, that I’m lost behind this fog that man’s chemicals have made me. Would you rather I slowly freeze as this disease would have me do. What if it wasn’t me what if it was you. Think about it, what would you do.?
It’s been so easy for you to blame it on me, my lost and wondering mind, my childish views and lack of concern you think makes me naive . Perhaps yes perhaps no, perhaps I’m just tired of watching you complain as you go. Maybe we should all look inside and see what makes us tick. Really, do so take a look inside see where your demons and your deepest truths still lye. There is where I’ll leave you…. Alone as you left me…. Swim in a sea of your own guilt and remorse. My stomach is sick with grief and sorrow. Those of yesteryears are gone forever. I will not remember you tomorrow… Live with that, let it eat at your soul every moment. See me in art, in the trees and the wind. Let smell of coffee, leather and smoke remind you of my ghost for it there that I’ll linger in back of your throat like cancer growing in your mind until your heart breaks and you leave it behind as you left mine. Yes such bitter reproach spills deep this dawn for I’m alone, tired angry in pain and even though you can’t see it flow, so full of love just bursting below… I’m not a dragon by nature but born saint and made a sinner… I’m done now the dawn reaches me. I shall call your no longer.
Forevermore lost to you.
Benjamin-Purging as begin to fly again. Nobody tells you after cancer to the head and neck that it’s going to take YEARS to recover. They don’t tell you it’s going to change your perspective and to surround yourself with people who have your best interest at heart. They don’t tell you of you’ve Parkisons disease that it might just make things really fucking bad really f’ing quick. Idk why they don’t. But they didn’t . O er the last two years I’ve watched as people have manipulated me, swayed my perspective towards the betterment. I’ve watched as they stole my things, used my life force until is was nothing . Well no more . I’ve seen such unforgivable things since I started this journey and I have to say I’m disgusted. I know my sins and would and do thanks to do many people where all of them proudly and with shame openly and honestly. I wonder if you would fare so brightly should your deepest flaws and demons be freed so publicly. Any how, to for meds I’m going to brace up and go for a frozen walk in the woods.
I can not give what I do not have and I do not have what I have not been given.
Love is lost in me these days my eyes have become blind and my heart numb to the touch of another soul. For I fear that all of me will be lost again. I love to love but my fear has grown to where I doubt I doubt that I am worthy of love. What deeds have I not paid for with blood sweat and tears in this life time. I did not come from a silver spoon, I’ve scraped and scrapped to get what I had. Now only to find in my dreams and fading memory.
Love, this beast of burden I fear more than cherish yet the still inside, a small boy longs to be held. It’s been to long.. The road to hard to bare alone.. yet alone I stand judged and cruisified before Ive even begun to live a life for me. These bones are tired of games tired of the challenges of youth. Ive learned to accept what it is for what it is, sadly a little to late for what was. Now I’m left with nothing but time thousand,thousand years of sleep. Dreaming of what adventures lay in waiting to raise me once again from these patterns of life.
So live for today. I’m happy yet concerned to say I don’t need to get hip surgery right now. Unfortunately that doesn’t solve the debilitating pain I’ve been in. Hip doctors say we need to look at the back and that it’s most likely simply the progression of my Parkisons disease. Wish me luck. Sending much love amd light out to all.