Into the vast abysmal plane I cast gaze for a thousand times nine times ninety nine millennia.. Waiting, watching, wanting for something else, something, someone a soul to hold close and dear just once more.
Back from the darkest place you’ve ever been I have returned. The coldest places in the human soul past our hearts and minds, past the fluffy feel goods of our conscious mindful soul… To the places we hide in as children, to darkest hiding cubbies in ones soul. This is where I’m found , home to know one home to me…
Then a glimmer of hope.. So far away.. I dare not dream of a day this rock will bare the weight of another soul. A purpose for which I have been assembled through the years of failures and tribulations.. Yet I remain, still full of fire, still unquenchable in desire for life’s sweet embraces. Forever haunted of home…. Home, this elusive place in my heart where once I lived. I was kind and generous there. Abundance thrived and we thought we were whole.. yet I was not , I was broken beyond repair of what I knew., And I knew nothing .
Now we sit here gazing across the world and the spaces in-between wondering what do we do next. How does this door open and close , how do we not shake in fear and arresting motion for the panic of the unknown tender heart that cried for forgiveness in the darkest of rain soaked nights . Now are hearts bleed again , the low thump, thud of a angles broken heart, wings beat in the invisible ethers of the hopes hell. Waiting for forgiveness to give way to this hearts pain. Love not the beast that Iv become but the man inside that takes it eachday for I love you more than this heart could ever bare to speak in any tongue…. Good night, I hope you hear me. Benjamin M Prewitt
Every time I think I’ve rid myself of your bitter taste, I find you linger still. Failing each attempt I flee. Heart races as wings unfold all mirrors are broken now. I can’t see my face or yours. Everything is numb , I rarely know what day it is… Sadly I don’t care , I’ve no reason to.
Words written with a mind flight and broken soul. Left to wander as it has always been. Finding bits of myself hinding under rocks and worms . Tis the season of joy I’m told, as I reflect on years gone, bye. Softly they all fade away as I’m sent flying again higher further and further way each time . Fearful of the time I leave as each passing moment there seems less and less of me to come home to.
*Words written because they needed to be. Not for you , just for me. Verbal waste from me.
Soon I’ll be coming back here 4o write more. It’s been a long road since I started this blog, in the begining I still had a job, a wife and kids, a marriage and home. Now and since then I’ve lost everything, all my possession all my history of even being alive on this planet thanks to some horrible turns of fate . Oh and then there’s the two years of wasted life in which cancer treatment and recovery happened. There in which I seemed to lose track of everything literally, my stuff, my son, my home everything id tried to save from my marriage theater my ex didn’t keep or throw away. Any how I’m alive ,kinda. I’ve no place I call home anymore though my life is good. I see beauty and life all around me daily here at the mountain house. My Parkinson’s disease progression has increased hitting ten years seems to be a magic marker unfortunately and it’s depression and anxiety is unimaginable and sadly untreatble. So soon I’ll be writing here again because with next to no body around me other than the dogs I’m settling in to a much much slower life . Still no companion I’m being realistic.. ive got maybe 5-6 years of walking left at best and 10-15 yrs if I continue at this pace. Who knows thought I could be the one i beat Parkinson’s lol. Nothing else about this experience has fit the standard mode . Much love and light.
I have to write it down before it slips away. I have so many things I’ve forgotten to say. So many things that have come undone. So many things that have be left unsaid . Things that must be heard before I am dead.
I did not mean for this life that I have it came upon me in the night as lay there in bed. Next to sleeping I lay there weeping for not bone or muscle could I move nor word could be said, And. I wept as I’m weeping now and forever shall as my life is my own and I’ve lost the only home I’ve ever known. All I can say is I’m sorry for the things I’ve done and said that made you wish that I was dead. For here I am just weeping instead.