Every time I think I’ve rid myself of your bitter taste, I find you linger still. Failing each attempt I flee. Heart races as wings unfold all mirrors are broken now. I can’t see my face or yours. Everything is numb , I rarely know what day it is… Sadly I don’t care , I’ve no reason to.
Words written with a mind flight and broken soul. Left to wander as it has always been. Finding bits of myself hinding under rocks and worms . Tis the season of joy I’m told, as I reflect on years gone, bye. Softly they all fade away as I’m sent flying again higher further and further way each time . Fearful of the time I leave as each passing moment there seems less and less of me to come home to.
*Words written because they needed to be. Not for you , just for me. Verbal waste from me.
Soon I’ll be coming back here 4o write more. It’s been a long road since I started this blog, in the begining I still had a job, a wife and kids, a marriage and home. Now and since then I’ve lost everything, all my possession all my history of even being alive on this planet thanks to some horrible turns of fate . Oh and then there’s the two years of wasted life in which cancer treatment and recovery happened. There in which I seemed to lose track of everything literally, my stuff, my son, my home everything id tried to save from my marriage theater my ex didn’t keep or throw away. Any how I’m alive ,kinda. I’ve no place I call home anymore though my life is good. I see beauty and life all around me daily here at the mountain house. My Parkinson’s disease progression has increased hitting ten years seems to be a magic marker unfortunately and it’s depression and anxiety is unimaginable and sadly untreatble. So soon I’ll be writing here again because with next to no body around me other than the dogs I’m settling in to a much much slower life . Still no companion I’m being realistic.. ive got maybe 5-6 years of walking left at best and 10-15 yrs if I continue at this pace. Who knows thought I could be the one i beat Parkinson’s lol. Nothing else about this experience has fit the standard mode . Much love and light.
I have to write it down before it slips away. I have so many things I’ve forgotten to say. So many things that have come undone. So many things that have be left unsaid . Things that must be heard before I am dead.
I did not mean for this life that I have it came upon me in the night as lay there in bed. Next to sleeping I lay there weeping for not bone or muscle could I move nor word could be said, And. I wept as I’m weeping now and forever shall as my life is my own and I’ve lost the only home I’ve ever known. All I can say is I’m sorry for the things I’ve done and said that made you wish that I was dead. For here I am just weeping instead.
Somewhere in the story of life we got lost you and I. I thought I’d found you only to have you fade away. Where you’ve gone I don’t know. I don’t how you are or where you’ve been. All I know is I miss you. I’ve nothing to give anymore for it’s all been taken from me. My heart though is pure yet tired. I yearn like a child to be held once again.
My mind is always awash a million trillion thoughts at once colors taste funny and sound feels soooo good. I will I could share the world as I see I am feel eachday . I wish I could share it with you these colors of the world, these dreams and hopes for a greater place than I . Dreams to give back to the earth to the world and humankind . To do one last good deed before my bones lock in place and my mind fades away.
You know I loved you from the first time I saw your face .. I have to go now for tears cloud my eyes like years that have hardened my heart. I have nothing to give but myself and that never seems to be enough for anyone. It’s okay I’ll soon fade away with the knight sky. Until then I’ll play with words like you played with heart. Someday I’ll be whole again. Someday…but not today.