Thoughtless nights and sleepless words

Sometimes I wonder with this corvid-19 adventure if it’s even worth playing the game anymore. Social isolation until a reasonable amount of people won’t die or be horribly wounded because of a rush to judgement. A year 18 months maybe longer since the last vaccine we humans made was for polio.. don’t quote me on that, it’s a tequila timeline quote. Possibly correct and possibly bullshit lol. Though I may just research it now that I’m curious. But I’m pretty sure we’ve never done an effective vaccine for a Corina virus otherwise we’d no longer have the flu or common cold. Whatever all I know is after all this bullshit I’m still gonna have Parkison’s, my kids will dislike as much as they do now and I’m still going to wake up to an empty bed , body full of pain and head full of clouds. Yay 🎉🎉🧧😵🤯😵 almost at the no thanks level. As a grown up all I ever wanted was a family. I didn’t want to be a single guy running around painting and writing poetry… Well I did want to do that stuff but I wanted a family too. I suppose I could say I’m lucky to have had both a family and a chance to be the “Artists” honestly I kind thought the Dad husband part was going to last a long time longer. Anyhow, corvid-19. I’ve been sick for 21 days now with an undetermined upper respiratory infection.. But even with world wide pandemic and people literally filling up the ER rooms around the world a person in the United States of America can’t walk in and say hey I’m sick af for no reason. Can I get tested?? Nope no Sir. You’ve gotta be so fucking sick you can’t help yourself and must be hospitalized. Or know exactly who it was that have you covid19. Which BTW is almost impossible since it’s gestation period is unknown for sure …. Why? Because it’s a Novel Virus. Novel means new for those still trying to catch up. Yes it covid19 rant time. I’m over being single. Isn’t that why all these ladies have onlyfans and premium whatever chats for?? I’m weird I know I like my sex in person. My chats online , my wife in real time and my income constant lol. Is that to much to ask? Final thoughts.. Sunday night. I miss my life, my kids this new life it kinda sucks and I’m way over it. Covid19 has killed my virtually none existing sex life and I’m also kind of I’ve that too. I still have Parkison’s and right this second I’m kinda freaked out about being sick for so long with no word as to word is wrong. I really tired of being single and being percieved as being a lunatic when in reality, I’m just broken. I did good fixing most of my broken pieces from childhood but then the grown up shit started happening and that was 22 billion times worse than being a kid FML. So yeah I’m going to put my isolated, tired , grumpy but to bed. Have a great quarantine people, shame on you if your not practicing physical distancing right now. Chances are good you’re actions are directly putting someone elses life in danger. Nobody should have that rigSht without do process. Anyhow Good night, chances are good I’ll be here tomorrow. So be good, be safe and healthy. B2020 day 19/20 practicing social distancing… I actually enjoy it truth be told. Lol.. damn people are so freaking messy.

How to see straight in a tilted world …*Just thoughts 21/03/2020

I think I’ve forgotten how to breathe or maybe the world has gone mad with crazy and now only the crazy people see straight? Truly in these days of madness all I hear and see on social media is tension, disregard, disrespect, disinformation and fear. Maybe it’s a reflection of how Ii feel the world is or the ways I see myself/ yourself in some way or ways I suppose a person of perspective could ponder it for a lifetime or many perhaps.

What I do know is that I don’t really like or understand so much much of it. The hate has no place, the fear though of what is with this virus. That fear and theses changes that are happening now and will continue to happen are real. They will force so many people to the reexamination of they are and what they need in their heart and souls to survive. I tried to send a warning to so many people about corvid-19 in January and was met with jokes and jabs about being to serious or that I was will informed or somehow that the human being that I am that’s trapped in the this fucking broken ass body is somehow less of a man, human ,father or damn good friend when a friend was in need. Well to those of you I hope you listened in some small part of your brain and prepare at least your mind for what’s to come.. There are not words in our language that can express my sorrow and heartbreak for humanity right now. Millions I human beings are dying and suffering right now. I pray with words only God knows and understands forbid all. I hope that if you are effected directly by this virus that you heal with golden light in abundance. For those who are not ill but effected which is ever single human being on this planet. This for you. May we all use this universal silence to break from bad habits of judgment and failures as a humanity. To re learn to look to own houses for support, to our neighbors for kindness . Let us remember the times when what a person had was there words and actions. And to those words and actions they would be held accountable in all truths. Let relearn to love in the way that love was meant to be.. To lift up one another in honor of each other and in honor of self. Not to sound like a preacher because I know far better than anyone’s wild dreams the creature I am. We need to remember that to love is to give, to give is to lift up not for personal gain but to truly be lifted with joy of self because another human has reached a greater place in life. Be that place a moment in time, a day, a week a year a lifetime . Each encounter we have with each other as humans does not have to be met with deflection of one another. We should meet each leesin and leave each person feeling more embraced more supported than before. Imagine that. Imagine a world where each person you met only wanted the best for you. If words were simple and straight.. like how are you. How can help you. Or can you help me please. Or imagine if what it was like when you saw someone in pain and just wanted their pain to stop and they let you help and that how it feels t know that that behavior is normal… Normal like first nature. First thought should never be run, hide, fear or anger. First thought should always be how, why, what can I do to make it better . In doing this act.. Something that in truth is often something so little as writing a lost like this to world begging each of you to please listen to your inner self. To that small voice that’s buried under all this stuff that life has out between us. To use this time of universal silence as a time to grow, to heal and to relearn what the dedication of true love and kindness is like.. I don’t edit these free though form thought posts so please don’t call the grammar and spelling police on me.

We’re all this life together and I’ve never left your side (s) never will. Though things have changed and I’m not the man I ever was, I’m something far greater and far less at the same time, and I think that it’s just okay with me. Be loved I love you. Be kind, be brave , be bold and thrive in the life you have, you never know when it’s going to change but change it will. Benjamin-2020