Realized something this morning.. I’m broken to love and affection. After my experience with Paula in Arizona I’m not sure I’m ever truly going to be able to trust another woman again. Recently I’ve had a number of people reach out to me, Everytime something in me is triggered that senses danger and I’m ready to bail. Sadly at this point in my parkisons disease I can deceren between those who have the best or worst intent for me. Anyhow needless to say, me being triggered messing up everything seems to be the going aftermath of my life these days ,😔😔😔😔 sad really. Anyhow I’m going to paint ,write and forget about love or anything of the sort. I’m just not sure that what’s left of me after all the stuff that I’ve anything to offer anyone.
That’s all I can say in fairness. I never wanted the way thing to be the way they are. I hope you know that. None of this was ever supposed to be like this. I planned for the safety of my family, the success of us. I just never planned on doing it with my family.. I’m sorry I failed you Andersen and Isa so terribly. I wish All of us would have had the strength to be a better family for each other… I hope that life has brought back normal to all of you. Sincerely Benjamin M Prewitt. Dad, father, friend and ex-husband 😔
Good evening and welcome on Valentine’s day and I come to you I’m a very strange place.I’m using voice dictation on this and I’m trying to speak clearly but not loudly because it’s late. I need this to be said when I needs to be heard and understood. Something that maybe people want to live with Parkinson’s disease don’t know. It controls blood pressure emotions ,movement, taste, smell. Dopamine is the chemical that our brain and body use to deliver these messages. Everyone takes for granted every second nanosecond your body is telling everything to do something right. Mine doesn’t do that anymore and doesn’t feel right inside or out. I’m writing this tonight from a very dark place recently my said goodbye to two people that told me they loved me to told me that they would be there for me, they were wrong. I was wrong to have fallen for another heart. It’s funny to be me where I am now writing to you here. As I write this and three fiber of my being isn’t stage 7 stage 8 pain I can barely think straight. If it would do any difference I would cry I could throw up the pain is so bad. It’s not the pain of a broken bone or a broken heart . It’s an ache that doesn’t go away but starts in your bones across through your flesh turn to get you in mind and then it wraps around every fiber and squeezes. I am tired now it’s been 10 years and everything about this has been hard. I’ve had lovers but no one that loves me. And I have people that love me but even then with good reason a fearful to look me in the eye. Because at the end of the day there’s only one thing that happens with me. Parkinson’s disease will take my life it will slow my mind to the point where I don’t recognize you anymore it will take my legs acid has started to it’ll take my arms as it has started to take my mind as it has struggled to it is and will take over every physical capacity I have and it will take it from me. I have to say that that is scary and I don’t want to talk about it anymore because you know what I’m alone that’s right I’m sitting here right now by myself. So when we talk with loneliness and we talked about fear these are the depth in which I speak these are the realities that I face everyday ripped me to pieces every second of this life. The only way I know to make any of this any better is to try and tell a story to let somebody know what this is like I got to go I’m physically sick then I’m afraid I can’t tell you the fear what it’s like what you have lost everything that you love and how’s the world show me such a ugly faces I don’t know but I have any desire to do this for another 10 years and I certainly can’t do it alone I want anything you sit and watch me paint and bright and to live this nightmare.. I hope those are you watching I hope you learned something I have any of this was what something. Because for me this is literally a living nightmare good night I hope that you are happy.
I deleted you today took your contacts and threw them away deleted our history our pictures to 3 years of love in friendship and what could I do. I texted I called I prayed and I waited, but all these days and I believe that our histories faded. I can’t reach out to you anymore because our history is gone everything’s been deleted so now let it be repeated once upon a Time we had a thing we almost got married and I gave you a ring little did I know you had little Emma inside . I wonder what it would have been like to see her little face I wonder who she looked like or if someone else took my place. Doesn’t matter now everything’s been deleted only the history in my head will the story be repeated. Goodbye my friend words I never thought I’d say certainly not on this fine day, but I guess as things shall be, you never really wanted the entirety of me. So now I hope when your times get bad you think of me and the things we had. Good-bye forever..
As the heavens gave way to light that spread that day, those moments we shared . Every last whisper, every last kiss. I remember them all. The touch of your hair, the pull if your hand in mine. The look in your eyes as they met mine and we wonder if, could it be could be. Can you be the one for me?? I feels so right it feels so real until it doesn’t..
Sadly tomorrow always comes and if we don’t hold onto to the things we cherish most they truly will slip away before your eyes. In our heads we give second chances but in our hearts we always say no. It was in that beautiful last dance I realized that you had gone. You’d found a heart better than mine. More deserving of your gaze and tender care… It was in those final moments of hope that never came, just one second I thought.. You’re here , I’ve waited like a good boy, said my prayers and brushed my teeth . Pushed all the demons away so I could see clearly again.. On that beautiful morning I wrote for us, but it would never be. Even though I could see, taste every future laugh and color of plate.. I was to late… For that I will be forever sorry.