Finding balance~ in an unbalanced world
Times in this life have grown so weary upon my heart as life bleeds out. Im tired so far beyond what these words could ever express. In any tongue you chose there is no easy way to say…… I fear for hopes heart.
How to express the hollow mans heart when everything he touches turns to dust. There is no soloace in the night when the echos of the dead out number those of the living. I sleep with ghosts with a mind on fire as the ethers of Avalon call me home for this body crumbles..
I weep like a child torn from his mother grasp again and again and again, crushed upon the floor… why break this heart of gold, why tarnish with tears like rivers flow into the tides of my life. Such small deaths to recover the butterfly kings heart and soul…
This knight is done i can fight no more…… i have left my amour on the floor. By the door…. no more…i tuly have lost my heart and soul. I wished for family and lost it.. i wished for passion and it burned me….. then i wished for nothing and sadly it found me as well.
The still darkness of nothingness.. Void of heart, light, passion or love… Yet it to embraces in its nothingness as one falls into darkness for an eteriny one becomes the darkness, in its soul and hollow man heart… The dust…. I cant get the dust out of my eyes…
I come here so infrequent these days. Im sorry for that. I’ve come to fear here to be honest. Here is where im the most truthful with myself and others. Here is where i bare my soul with no hold backs no filters of friendly or happy person here is where i say it all. Im afraid of my life. My left arm and leg are failing. My son is gone, lost to his mothers control and perceptions of my life and choices. Sigh….. Im so tired of this battle some days. Today was spent focusing on my brace fitting. A very positive thing yes? Kind of, if your a fix it person then yes. If your the patient not so much.. why you may ask,. Well heres the skinny. That guy and that leg calf foot… whatever he has a diagnosis. ITS PARKINSONS DISEASE and that f’ed up left leg and arm well im the guy who wakes up daily hoping that they still work i have a name and a story. Yes btw it was the radiation treatment that fried my nerves. Yes it’s okay bc otherwise it’s cancer time and i literally don’t have time to mess around with that.
Breathing would probably help i’m thinking…. so yeah its been a big day. I cherish you all dearly.
“A life in progress.”
Not like anyother before it nor any after. Today i go to see a man about leg and brace for life and movement of my own. I go and face yet another emotional and physical hurdle in this life i give my leg freely to the fates in exchange for few my hours on this rock,in this cursed life. My body has never been my own not since i was child hiding in the dark affraid of the demons that wait for me. Today is like no other day. I grieve my loss and ready myself to learn a new. To learn to walk again with aid of science and with faith and fear in my heart i fear nothing for i face it straight on. I am one with this body and life i am at peace with these changes… as at peace as one can be one breath at a time.
Benjamin “A life in progress.” 2017
Where does one begin to tell the story of what it is like to slowly watch your body and mind fade away…?
A story that twists and turns through a lifetime of love and loss.
A lifetime of fear and confusion, of always feeling either empty inside or
overwhelmed by the colors, textures and sounds of our world. Feeling
every color and tasting every sweet drop of sound as if a symphony of
texture and light sang just for me.
Then the darkness of knowing…. Of listening to deeply… Of feeling things to deeply
And the crushing fear and pain that comes with it.
My dear sweetest friends of the ether nets and those
whom I’ve been blessed to have known thank you for
your part in this journey we’ve taken together. I fear it will not end well
for me but I’m forever grateful to have moments of clarity to
share the beginning of the beginning of the end of Me.
Chapter One: The who’s, what’s and whys of it all.
A passage of time through my life with Young onset Parkinson’s Disease
battle with metastic cancer and trying ones hardest to THRIVE in the face of it all.
I cherish you all so dearly.
Benjamin ~ 2017 “A life in progress.”
“Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.”