“The Beatles – A Day In The Life” 

Well my friend we did it. One week 6 radiation treatments and 1 chemohellfire  (Cisplatin) left. Somehow time has passed from 31/10/2016 when I went to see the Dr about my throat and 11/5 diagnosed with cancer. Now here are looking towards the end of treatment and the rest of my life. I’m going to try desperately try not get ahead of myself. First I’ll give myself time to heal from treatments then im goingbto look at my options on moving,somewhere. My son turns 18 this year but I’ve a feeling he’s probably not going want to hang out with his old dad.lol. I sure didn’t want to at 17-18. 

Anyhow much love and light. Thank you again for your years of support. After this cancer is done it’s going to be time to reset my Parkinson’s life as well. Grrrrrrrr. Oh well, it beats being eaten alive by cancer. 

Cheers. 

Benjamin ~ 2017 

screenshot_2016-10-05-09-37-30-1.png

Thoughts and bit of goo.

In small places I lay weeping in seek of a life that was sleeping.

There comes a time when the true test if a man becomes the time he spends alone in crisis.  Nothing has tested my resolve to stay positive more than this. My inner child weeps and lashes out in anger as my reflective self thinks. What type of human do they seem me as that would keep my so called friends and family at bay during these times of great burden. Have I become to the everything they hate? I feel it to be true more often than not. 

It is that burden alone I think would crush the will to live of any loving person. Would it not? It is this well of bitter burden that makes me think it’s time to go. To where I know not but if I am to bare this memory as I do, then I shall do it in a place where Maxfields clouds greet my day and history blesses my feet. I think in a way this forced isolation has shown me that I’m blessed in ways most are not and cursed in the same way. 

All I truly know is today my heart is heavy, my body is tired and my mind wandering the skys. I’m tired to the core in ways I never imagined possible. So for that I’m blessed to have a deeper compassion for those in need. Okay that’s all. Thanks for letting me vent. This is a hard experience, one I’m having a hard time articulating through paint or words. I’m trying to look for the positive in all of it but at times honestly it’s hard enough just to get dressed knowing what I have to do each day. Anyhow.  Thanks cheers. May the world be kind to you today and you to it. 

Always.                     Benjamin. 2017.                   “a life in progress.”

Week 5 Radition and Chemotherapy wrap up. 

Hi, thanks for stopping by today. Well lets get right to it. Today marks the last day of week five of my cancer treatments. Today started with a visit to my speech pathologist whom I realized today is going to continue to be my speech pathologist as part of my normal Parkinson’s care routine.
Kind of a cool thing with that, is Salem hospital has joined with OHSU for combined care in a number of areas. Cancer and physical therapy being two that happen to be in my scope of need . So I’m going to start doing SPL and PT here in Salem post cancer. Then I’ll have my Parkinson’s neuropsychologist and main Neurologist in Portland. Anyhow blah blah lol.

Get with your story right. 😉😉 cancer update. My last radiation treatment will be January 25th. And next week will be my last chemotherapy!!! 

Before we all get excited about this advanced treatment schedule, deep breath. This is all based on a CT scan I had today that clearly indicates that my tumors have been successfully shrunk. Dr.Kang and I spoke at great length about this. 

It will be still a few months up to 3 to be exact. Before we can re-test. Apparently I have to wait ex amount of time after treatment before they can do a true P.E.T. scan and get reliable results do to treatment causing a false positive if done to soon post treatment. But today was a great day, chances are good that between my eastern and western medical combo that we’ve been able to be “higly effective” against this cancer on the whole. So yay to that, but if life with illness has taught me anything it’s to NEVER count your chickens befor they hatch. Seriously. On a closing note I’m not going to go into a great speech because honestly I’m exhausted beyond words. 

But to those of you who have been vocal in your support and to those few who could actually come and physically help me through the treatment process (healing is next) thank you. From the bottom of my limitless soul. Thank you for being a part of literally saving my life.
Benjamin.
2017
“A life in progress.”

img_20161105_050305.jpg

Wk:5 Day:3 mid-week words.

I come here when I’m quiet or afraid. Sometimes I come here just to here myself thinking about what I’m thinking about. .. I come here when the thoughts are to many and the directions infinite. 

I come here when I’m lost in a world where all points connect and the sound of the universe echos across my time line.  There has never been a better time to live your life than now. 

Now Thursday is upon me and I’ve forgotten to post the previous 6:30am pst 3 hrs till day Day 4 Chemo and radiation double day. Not fun but only one day away from Friday WOOT. 

Over and out 

B ~2017 

IMG_7861.JPG

In the middle of the night.

In the middle of the night, I wake with a fire of a thousand suns burning in my body.
Waves of nausea like an unsettled sea ebb and flow in this darkness as the sun rolls closer.
Then im up, awake wondering the darkness at 1:48a searching for a porcelain God to hurl insults at in tongues only the sick speak at 2am.
The weeks are starting to drag as I knew they would, honestly I’m surprised sheer Irish bullheadedness made it 5 weeks.
Now zen Ben has to come and play because it’s getting intense the burns,nausea.
It comes when I’m alone it waits until I’m vulnerable, until I’m cozy in my cancer cocoon of the blankets made from promises and prayers. It’s there where I wait for this demon of my pasted to be purged. Today I am tired and in pain. To many days that start and stop to much pain ever present non relenting constant burn to many people fallen by the wayside of grief and rage. Soon though, soon I will find a place where I am more loved than questioned and that place, that place will be home. Me, the dog I don’t have and paints I do will be off to “the other side of the mountain” I live in a valley so that doesn’t really make sense lol I could go about many mountains 😂 honestly if I have it my way I’ll go across all of them, again. Any how slowly I’m waking it’s now almost 6:00am pst I’ve had 5 hrs to control the ick and now it’s time to start preparing the body and mind for treatment.
Much love and light.
B~ 2017
A life in progress