Everything is frozen…. I love it this way. It makes the town silent. I like that theses days. It quiets the demons that still rages in my soul. I’m not a surgeon nor psychic but I can plainly see the damages that have been done to me. All you see are these quakes and shakes cover me, that I’m lost behind this fog that man’s chemicals have made me. Would you rather I slowly freeze as this disease would have me do. What if it wasn’t me what if it was you. Think about it, what would you do.?
It’s been so easy for you to blame it on me, my lost and wondering mind, my childish views and lack of concern you think makes me naive . Perhaps yes perhaps no, perhaps I’m just tired of watching you complain as you go. Maybe we should all look inside and see what makes us tick. Really, do so take a look inside see where your demons and your deepest truths still lye. There is where I’ll leave you…. Alone as you left me…. Swim in a sea of your own guilt and remorse. My stomach is sick with grief and sorrow. Those of yesteryears are gone forever. I will not remember you tomorrow… Live with that, let it eat at your soul every moment. See me in art, in the trees and the wind. Let smell of coffee, leather and smoke remind you of my ghost for it there that I’ll linger in back of your throat like cancer growing in your mind until your heart breaks and you leave it behind as you left mine. Yes such bitter reproach spills deep this dawn for I’m alone, tired angry in pain and even though you can’t see it flow, so full of love just bursting below… I’m not a dragon by nature but born saint and made a sinner… I’m done now the dawn reaches me. I shall call your no longer.
Forevermore lost to you.
Benjamin-Purging as begin to fly again. Nobody tells you after cancer to the head and neck that it’s going to take YEARS to recover. They don’t tell you it’s going to change your perspective and to surround yourself with people who have your best interest at heart. They don’t tell you of you’ve Parkisons disease that it might just make things really fucking bad really f’ing quick. Idk why they don’t. But they didn’t . O er the last two years I’ve watched as people have manipulated me, swayed my perspective towards the betterment. I’ve watched as they stole my things, used my life force until is was nothing . Well no more . I’ve seen such unforgivable things since I started this journey and I have to say I’m disgusted. I know my sins and would and do thanks to do many people where all of them proudly and with shame openly and honestly. I wonder if you would fare so brightly should your deepest flaws and demons be freed so publicly. Any how, to for meds I’m going to brace up and go for a frozen walk in the woods.
I can not give what I do not have and I do not have what I have not been given.
Love is lost in me these days my eyes have become blind and my heart numb to the touch of another soul. For I fear that all of me will be lost again. I love to love but my fear has grown to where I doubt I doubt that I am worthy of love. What deeds have I not paid for with blood sweat and tears in this life time. I did not come from a silver spoon, I’ve scraped and scrapped to get what I had. Now only to find in my dreams and fading memory.
Love, this beast of burden I fear more than cherish yet the still inside, a small boy longs to be held. It’s been to long.. The road to hard to bare alone.. yet alone I stand judged and cruisified before Ive even begun to live a life for me. These bones are tired of games tired of the challenges of youth. Ive learned to accept what it is for what it is, sadly a little to late for what was. Now I’m left with nothing but time thousand,thousand years of sleep. Dreaming of what adventures lay in waiting to raise me once again from these patterns of life.
So live for today. I’m happy yet concerned to say I don’t need to get hip surgery right now. Unfortunately that doesn’t solve the debilitating pain I’ve been in. Hip doctors say we need to look at the back and that it’s most likely simply the progression of my Parkisons disease. Wish me luck. Sending much love amd light out to all.
As I lay in the dark and think of my life as movie I’ve watched over and over a thousand times. I wonder to what end is all this suffering. To what end do we stop causing all this chaos in our world. I have a reached a point of no return as I slowly reach for the Stars again. Sadly I should have to ask in this day and age my I please be happy again. May I please be forgiven my o please learn to forgive myself for the deeds of my life and forgive those for the deeds of theirs.
Finally freedom is born of suffering and loss. The learning that truly you do make your reality in this life. Unfortunately it takes a life time to learn how to master. A warm bed, a full stomach and the feeling of safety are in valuable. Unmeasurable by all standards. For me it is things of family I don’t not speak of any more. Mine has left me though I try in vain as I reach out to the vast emptiness in the ethers. Where are you my son, my daughter my old friend. Day dreams at dawn as I watch my world change. As a man who has had to go places in the darkness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy just to survive the night as cancer bore down upon me. Or as I woke from the nightmare that it was to what it is after the fight pauses to change form. I come home to this shaking shell of man. Breathes deeply….. As my mind races. These emotions of dreams, of wishes for a real life again a born again. Fearful for they have been chewed up and crushed to dust…. Life in it’s beautiful art of nature has taught me this. With that dust that my past has become I have been given the gift of choice. As I have been given the gift and burden of words, paint and deep emotional human connection I become the sculpture of this new begining. I require so little. A tiny house, a beautiful view, someone to love and hold onto as these days come pass. For they shall for all of us regardless of form, shape or size. It’s time for me to go know. I’m taking back my life. I’m going to paint the world the colours I see it. To the world as I knew it, I miss you I love you so much. But I am a better man I’m my heart and soul than I have ever been. I will never give up. Remember this should you ever find me again. Every day is a battle between who you are and what you want to be until you become comfortable with whom you are.
I’m a sick with grief and sorrow today for I miss the things of my past. A gentle kiss or kind hand. A soft whisper without a hurtful hint of venom or distrust. Yes, I am broken. I spin like a top out of control, but I am real, I here. I am me underneath these shakes and quakes. Behind this fog that keeps the truth and simple things from me. That hides the common behind a ten billion thoughts a second. I can bare no more. I hate that you left me when you knew I was hurting, breaking inside and trying as hard as I could to climb free of this dying shell.
Now I am worse than before you found me . Hear that loud and clear. Let that sit on your tongue and rot in stomach is it does mine everyday.! I wake to this rotting corpse, daily I am more broken inside and out because of my time with you. The cost of your love, of life not the money we burn, but the life we lead and memories we keep. How we treat those and how we try to make amends for our sins shows who we are. Let that speak loudly . I’m hurt today.
I feel deeply and passionately about life. Now I’m done with this rant of pain and spilled words. I’ve got to go be cut open . Cheers .