I wish, I wish I was a fish

I wish I could find the words to express how it feels to feel everything. To sense a person’s mood and sometimes hear the very thoughts they make loud as day. Simply by looking them amd sometimes when I’m not even close . It a burden I’m not sure I want to carry any more. Not only now does my mind vibrate but my body does as well. It kind feels like I’m God’s tuning fork. Though I admit I’m tired . I’m tired of trying and failing I’m tried of the loss and betrayals. I want simple chaos , mindful madness. I need to fill each day with as much beauty, love and kindness as can.

When I look at the world today all I see I people taring each other apart for one scrap of meat or one step up the Corp ladder. I have recently seen corporate greed at it’s finest. I had to hire good guys that were worse bad guys than the corporate bad guys to win. Now I’m paying the new good-bad guys to keep the other bad- bad guys away. So dumb and so hypocritical.

No,… I’ll be good and not name names because I now a life long relationship with my new found good-bad guys. If that makes any sense. Yes I used fire to fight fire and got burned. But not toasted like I would have been….. Still vague in know sorry.

Anyhow part of the reason I don’t feel happy anymore, I have to assume has a bit to do with Parkisons disease. Since dopamine is the bodies main source of “happy- juice”, autonomic functions,fluid movement, processing of the executive function ect,ect, yes Dopamine the thing that makes ALL OF US “Happy” my brain doesn’t make anymore…. So yeah go figure that one out.

How in the Ff I’m I supposed to cope with this. I feel these waves now. Waves of emotional chaos that come deep and hard it’s like the only thing left is tthr core of hope and love. The most gutteral and pure of emotions . Those I love, I love and crave I want all of the attention and those I dislike…. Very very few maybe one or two people alive that I truly despise and have not forgiven the depths to which I dislike them is visceral .

I wish-feel to much and to little at the same time πŸ˜”πŸ˜ž I love to deeply, miss to deeply and hurt to deeply to continue with this path. Soon, as I’ve whispered I’m going to go away. Maybe I will write and Paint more maybe I won’t. I will however not continue to be taken advantage of by others . There has been to much pain and grief surrounding this Parkisons disease and cancer. Nobody has stayed to see it through which is fine, it is what it is. I love each of you for who you are. I see far more clearly now than I did before. Before I believed that everyone was good, that everyone had honest intentions as I do. Now at only 48 years young I’ve seen the worst of us humans women and men alike . Pure evil ,broken damaged, vile and bitter creatures . Users,takers and fakers. Is what I like to call them and yep they really are real.

There are people out there that are shit. Sadly for as many beautiful souls that I’ve met here and on Instagram or Twitter, Facebook and real life. For every nice person that I’ve met ,.I’ve met and had to literally evicted from my life 3-4 severely toxic people that really didn’t care what happened to me or not. My well being wasn’t, isn’t nor will be a true concern to that person. Idk what the point of all that was or is but it needs to come out of me and into somewhere else.

I’m tired of carrying these words and feeling around. At my age my friends are either, Dead, married and set in their ways or simply busy being productive humans. So I spend a lot of time alone in my heart and head, this stiff, shaking painful body. Soon I’ll be with the trees and the birds and the bees. Soon a camp fire nightly as it should be, star lit above bright nights and coyotes howling at the night. I have no more time to waste. No more life to give to those who would waste the precious little time I have left.

I’ve run out of things to say. I’m numb, Inside and out these days. For what it’s worth . I think those of you who made it all the way through that rant are pretty cool. I’m sorry that my mind isn’t calm and clear anymore.

B-2019

**I’m just tired of being always sick, always in pain always kinda confused always wondering what fucking day it is or why the next day is important. For instance… Scenario

Me: I have a very important appointment in Saturday 4th.

Me: it’s Saturday the 4th it feels like I’m supposed to do something…. This after counting the days down but giving them ZERO weight of importance. So, I’m aware of the the two separate pieces in: 4th and Saturday.. you following so far???

K well Parkisons disease makes it Impossible for me to put the two things together anymore. Hence making planning, execution and task management something I don’t do well. Anyhow βœŒοΈπŸ™βœ¨πŸ“Ώβ˜•I need coffee. Mhlyh

Benjamin

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Happy Friday-Gotta whole lotta love

Slowly but surely I promise myself and my family. I will succeed in life even if it is only to leave this planet a better place than I found it. To my son and daughter I miss you more than human words could ever express. My life is better having known you. Happy Friday to everyone and remember to spread the love not the hate. πŸ™πŸ“ΏπŸ•―οΈ

B. aka: Hey dad Mr. B and benjamin.

Monday -monday how could it be….?🎢

There are few times in which I feel most whole and normal. It’s probably when I’m in the most pain but my head is the most clear. It’s when I wake up first thing. My head hasn’t been filled with words and other people’s emotions and thoughts. The city is quiet everyone is asleep and world is peacefully sleeping. This is when I am most a one this myself . I can feel the tension in my tendons ready to snap over the slightest movement. Slowly I wake stretching each tiny bit and piece . Eventually making so my feet touch the floor, I’m sitting with my back straight ,knees bent and ready to stand up….15-20 mins later IM UP!!!

Yeah getting in a standing position from sitting has become more and more difficult. I’ve developed sciatica on my right side now which is making sitting or standing for longer than 10-15 min at a time excruciatingly painful but hey what’s a fella gonna do? I have to be sitting or standing?? Right, I’m not sure what the other natural human position would be?

Okay sooooo my mornings ,today for instance. I woke up at 230am after sleeping form 3-10p 12-230a πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€” sounds bout right. Lately my body has been going through it’s biannual sleep switch where my days and nights switch. It’s a PD thing, I used to think it was me just being weirdo but thankfully no, every six months or so I swing to nights then back again. Hey built in reality/perspective changer right lol . I just roll with it πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

So pain in the AM. Yep by the truck load . Over the course of the night my body tightens up as I sleep the meds slowly leaving my system. So I wake kinda like it feels after you’ve been really really cold or sitting for a seriously unusually long amount of time in a very very confined space. It’s pretty wild tbh. I promised myself today that I would be kind to myself in the way I self talk.

Since Arizona and the things that happened just shortly after coming home those events killed whatever self-esteem I had left. I’ve been recovering from the trauma of those events and now six months later I’m at a place where I can think about what direction I’d like to go. I’m finding since these events my self-esteem is crap. My self talk is negative and I’m spending to much time looking outside myself for happiness. Valentine’s day really showed me that. So today Monday the whatever of February? I’m not going to let negative self talk enter my head and heart. I wanted to not complai about stuff on this post. Kept it real and not to heavy , at least I don’t think to heavy. Remember the weight of your burdens is dependent upon your perception of their weight. Think about that for while. Trying to keep it real and feel but still have the power to heal.

Much love and light.

Benjamin. 2019

Special days

I have nothing good to say today. So I’m going to say everything by writing nothing. Well nothing compared to the whole I space I was ready to tare..

Two humans whom I’ve recently known have given me the opportunity to realize my greatest fears and pushed me to grow further than I realized I could and for that I’ll say thank you. May the good Lord take you sooner than later. Just saying πŸ˜‰

Happy Valentines day.

Sincerely. Benjamin

6:28 am 02/2019 I write because I can’t ease the pain.

***Not edited for Grammer or spelling sorry.

Everything is frozen…. I love it this way. It makes the town silent. I like that theses days. It quiets the demons that still rages in my soul. I’m not a surgeon nor psychic but I can plainly see the damages that have been done to me. All you see are these quakes and shakes cover me, that I’m lost behind this fog that man’s chemicals have made me. Would you rather I slowly freeze as this disease would have me do. What if it wasn’t me what if it was you. Think about it, what would you do.?

It’s been so easy for you to blame it on me, my lost and wondering mind, my childish views and lack of concern you think makes me naive . Perhaps yes perhaps no, perhaps I’m just tired of watching you complain as you go. Maybe we should all look inside and see what makes us tick. Really, do so take a look inside see where your demons and your deepest truths still lye. There is where I’ll leave you…. Alone as you left me…. Swim in a sea of your own guilt and remorse. My stomach is sick with grief and sorrow. Those of yesteryears are gone forever. I will not remember you tomorrow… Live with that, let it eat at your soul every moment. See me in art, in the trees and the wind. Let smell of coffee, leather and smoke remind you of my ghost for it there that I’ll linger in back of your throat like cancer growing in your mind until your heart breaks and you leave it behind as you left mine. Yes such bitter reproach spills deep this dawn for I’m alone, tired angry in pain and even though you can’t see it flow, so full of love just bursting below… I’m not a dragon by nature but born saint and made a sinner… I’m done now the dawn reaches me. I shall call your no longer.

Forevermore lost to you.

Benjamin-Purging as begin to fly again. Nobody tells you after cancer to the head and neck that it’s going to take YEARS to recover. They don’t tell you it’s going to change your perspective and to surround yourself with people who have your best interest at heart. They don’t tell you of you’ve Parkisons disease that it might just make things really fucking bad really f’ing quick. Idk why they don’t. But they didn’t . O er the last two years I’ve watched as people have manipulated me, swayed my perspective towards the betterment. I’ve watched as they stole my things, used my life force until is was nothing . Well no more . I’ve seen such unforgivable things since I started this journey and I have to say I’m disgusted. I know my sins and would and do thanks to do many people where all of them proudly and with shame openly and honestly. I wonder if you would fare so brightly should your deepest flaws and demons be freed so publicly. Any how, to for meds I’m going to brace up and go for a frozen walk in the woods.

Good morning God afternoon and good evening.

B-2070