I think i have no idea what to say anymore.

I think I need to grieve for the loss of you. I try so hard to forget these days. Do you know what it’s like to lose everything you’ve ever cared about?

It’s exhausting, life ending and will ruin you for life. It’s like losing everything and everyone you love in a car crash. They are just gone. An empty void sits where ,my kids , ex-wife-friends, lovers, and family memories sit. A huge emotional black hole that presses against my soul with the force of a thousand suns. I’m more than sad these days I’m sick with darkness down to the very pit of my soul. At this point the only thing keeping me here is my fear of going . We shall see how long the human soul can live in grief and loneliness before it becomes to much to bare.

I think I need to accept that I need to be sad for a while. I can’t just pop back from these things and pretend that I can just magically bare this weight. Cancer, then my last grandmother passing, straight into weird caregiver scenarios Arizona, Rural house closure, fake lovers welcoming me home. Makes me sick and tired.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to simply be loyal, work towards a goal and enjoy this time on Earth. I don’t have long and I just wanna paint and write, with any luck I can find an honest soul to share that journey with. I can’t do it alone and I’m not sure I wanna go to one of those homes to die. Or slowly wither away as it is with Parkisons disease. Deep sigh, sorry to spill my tears and blood here but I’ve nowhere else to go and nobody I’d care to share this with face to face. 💔 Don’t worry I’m not doing anything drastic as usual, not going to try and save the world or myself this time. I’ve no strength left to do so.

Much love and light.

Benjamin.

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Here: a rant a rave and some real truths .

Here is where I come cry, to throw my arms in the air a curse to the high Heavens. It’s here where I crawl into myself and sink away from all. It’s here where I feel safe and small. It’s here where I can feel free, to feel me as I am. As I feel to feel when I feel and what I feel.

Today it is rage and sadness all mixed in with the pain of this body of shakes and wiggles. Do you know how bad it feels? I wish for one second you could step into this body. For weeks it’s felt like my toe is made of ice and every time the slightest breeze touches it… It feels like someone is literally nailing it to floor. Did I mention I walk 99%of the time….

Did you know that Parkisons disease has taken my self perception almost 100% away and my visual Agnosia has made my ability to read others facial cues neigh I’mpossible. So here live this life in this body. I ask not for anyone’s pity. Keep it, what ask is for compassion and understanding from this world and those I encounter. But I have learned that in my quest to live a quiet normal life. That those whom need compassion the most seek it from those whom have the least ability to give it. I don’t know why that is.

I’m to vulnerable right now for me to open up to anyone.. I feel best down afraid for the first time in my life to love to accept kindness in fear that it’s attached to strings that will later be used against me. The world has shown me what’s out there once on the good the best if mankind and now twice on the worst. I have no strength left for a fourth time I’m done. Jaded, my inner spark literally told me this morning. I dont give a fck. This as I looked towards the beauty of the rising sun on this wonderful day…

What’s the saying. Strike three, you’re out…. Yeah.. that’s me.

Benjamin

One thing I’ve learned

A friend once told me that there’s always one person who likes the other person more in a relationship… After great amounts of thought I e come to a feeling about this…

🙏💔✌️

And now what~A rambling post of words and stuff.

I wonder if I will ever settle down again.? In my youth all I wanted was the family I never had. Then when I had it for 17 years I fucked it up. Well not entirely my fault but I’m certainly to blame in part. Once cut free from the life I wanted I was left with what I knew and that was art and writing. Having published my first piece in a local school district contest when I was 9 and having painted with my father since the age of 6 it felt natural and honestly the only thing I knew to do. My life, career and dreams of the future had all suddenly changed. Having Parkisons disease, little did I know at the time disorder had changed my ability to see or predict the outcome of a situation. Ie: A+B=C my brain had started only to see the A,B,C Not the connection of events or the outcome of each. This did not bode well socially as you can imagine. Slowly losing the ability to control my vocal influctions and breathing made talking hard. Coupled with a huge lack of quick response word find skills, especially during mentally and or emotionally charged situations. It pretty much has made communication with people hard as you can imagine.

So now what, I’m a single Dad who’s kids never talk to him. Honestly I’ve no idea why? It breaks my heart every day. I rent a room in a house, I’m very thankful for, but still not my own place. Hmm, Ive had PD for 9 years and I’m still recovering from the chemo and radiation treatment that literally zapped my head. 35 radition sessions. It sounds like a sob story but really it’s just the way stuff happened. For whatever reason I was destined to live this life, why I don’t know and I don’t really like it but I will do my best daily to not let it destroy me and the good that I feel I still have in my heart. These days though I admit I have a lot of hate and sadness in my heart for some people I used to care for a great deal. But in time I will forgive and forget them. I’m learning slowly that people will take everything you give. They will take without asking, they will take without regard and they will not be thankful in their actions. So now for the first time in my life I feel hesitant to let people in.

I’m a giant mirror because I’ve no self perception thanks to the PD and people don’t understand that. They don’t understand the things they see in me that they love or hate is mostly themselves and what they chose to manifest onto me to better their conclusion of self. I’m staggered by people’s ability to stuff each other into boxes because a person says or does something that offendse another unwillingly.. it’s not intelligent thinking to me. I know from experience that the world ebbs and flows. That good people do bad things and bad people do good things. We, you and I are not here to judge others. If you do not enjoy the presence of another human we used to be taught to just move on. These days I find we cling onto toxic connections for weird revengeful reasons. I truly don’t understand why people do intentially hurtful things outside moments of sheer chaos.

I was raised in a generation that quoted from Horton hatches an egg. By Dr.Suess. “I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent!”

In my youth, plan B, or side guy/girl wasn’t a thing. Idk, I’m tired, my brains hurt and my body is a wreck.

Topic switch lol stay with me here,, I’m starting to understand why the doctors say it’s hard to regain muscle with Parkison’s disease. I’ve been walking lots to try and regain some stamina and strength…. Yeah not working really I’m losing weight and getting chicken legs 😂😂😂 nobody wants chicken legs except chickens.

Anyhow, so now what, I don’t know but I’m hungry so, until another day. All my love always.*squirrels*

Benjamin

When

When I think of you you my heart breaks with joy amd sadness all at once. To have had the chance to bathe in your beauty forever and have lost that chance have left me a changed man. Every butterfly deserve a chance at freedom and every Raven a branch to perch. Mhlyh always and forever.

B-2018

Writing because it kills the heartache of reality.