Letters to my son: Hope

Everyday I hold on to this invisible thing we as humans call hope. I wake, I look at your photos. Some of them with the family we had together some of them with just you and I. Please know I think of you every day and every night. There hasn’t been a days since your mother told me she didn’t want to be my wife or to have me in our family anymore that I haven’t worried about you and your sister. There hasn’t been day since those words were uttered that I haven’t cried and hoped you’d find me. I don’t understand why we can’t have a life together. Sadly lots of families experience divorce and they still keep close. Why did our family not deserve that chance. So many people have judge me unfairly during times where I was not capable of making good choices. I was either way beyond knowing what to do or so pumped full of chemotherapy and radiation treatments for cancer that I couldn’t think or properly care for myself. Unfortunately I didn’t have people to take care of me. I couldn’t take care of myself. The combination of the Parkinson’s, the shock of the divorce and then the cancer was to much for me as man , a human being, a father, brother and friend to bare alone. The judgement passed on me by my peers was harsh and unforgiving. Since those days I’ve removed myself from the equation. I live a simple life now. The mountain has been good to me. I garden, raise a few animals and go about my day like this is all what was supposed to happen, though I know it wasn’t. There are days it feels like I woke up in a different life. Like the timeline I was on ruptured and I woke in another. One where I wasn’t happy and healthy.

One where my life had been torn apart from inside out. I don’t know why we don’t speak or share life. Hope, hope is what I have to hold onto. My body and mind are failing more and more quickly, I hope in your life you realize that I never stopped loving you, missing you or needing you in my life. I was literally kept away from you by the wealth of the family and their ability to out do anything and everything I could do. On that I hope you are well and thriving in whatever your life has in-store for you. I love dearly Andersen Prewitt.

Benjamin, your father.

In the end

In the end which comes soon I hope you remember me well..I hope you think back to a time when was more kind, when life was more innocent and forgiving.

I’ve come here today to give an update on my life . Maybe someday you’ll visit here u like you’ve searched for me to find resolve. I must assume that you’ve chosen to let me go a long while ago . That is one thing out of this life that I regret. The loss of your trust, friendship and love has broken me. I guess a stronger person wouldn’t admit such defeat in world do cold and ready to devour any sign of weakness. This would the people I knew that I called friend, brother and lover have all gone for most part. A few reminders of the past that cling to the idea that maybe I was going through life with Parkinson’s and cancer, a bunch medicine for a few years that wasn’t right and a lemony snicket’s of bad luck and choices.

Well that’s all passed and now I find myself at a place in life where I’ve seen before. I’ve seen it in the end of life. In the next few days I’ll start a series of surgeries that I can hope to have the strength to recover from. Wednesday I go in and cyst ( ? cancerous? Idk yet) and bone sour from my inner ear. After I heal from that I’ve got torn labral tissue in both my right and left shoulder. Apparently one can fight to hard against the ridigty of Parkinson’s disease. It’s literally ripping me apart as I strive to let this beast consume me. During the course of x-rays and MRIs they have found numberous endochroma tumors on my spine T1-T2 and on my femural and humorous heads. Sooo we shall see it’s been my experience as I’ve watch those before me go that once the surgeries start they weakening begins and the body spends more time healing than growing.

I have wonderful woman in my life who cares deeply for the man I am , she believes in person I was and defends me as true loving life partner would and does. I have no real home anymore sans the RV, which new and modern,nice for what it is and maybe just maybe I’ll love long enough to leave something behind besides a legacy of pain and paintings. I’m sorry for the pain and tears I’ve caused in this life and hope those who knew me before can find the forgiveness in their hearts as I’ve found for them and the way I perceive the way things happened. Either way not much matters anymore it’s been years since I’ve spoken with you yet not a moment has passed that teats Haven’t fallen from eyes and broken heart. I do not understand how I can be so unforgivable to you.

I’m not painting nor inspired to paint. I’ve spent the last four years healing but sadly chasing a dream I’d never see to the end. No tiny house, no air BB nothing of merit for my time and unappreciated efforts. I’ll be leaving here as soon as can . Off to find a peaceful place to spend my last few years of healing, laughing and loving the few people that find me tolerable. Best wiahes to all those I’ve come to know, maybe I’ll write again before it’s all done. If not please know I loved my time with my friends and family while I had them. I wish more of you had taken the time to find out what I was going through or even asked what it was like. I wish that during this massive shifts in .y reality that I was able to communicate better. To articulate what it’s like to go through 35 radiation treatment directly to your head, to go through 10 chemotherapy treatments without anti nausea medication. *Clashed with my pd meds* I wish could have spoken more precisely about what it feels like to not have dopamine in my body. Anyhow it doesn’t really matter at this point those whom have forsaken me have done so long enough ago to have their choices . Now we all simply live and die with those choices.

I will miss you, as I’ve done every day since the moment I was asked to leave . Please remember that it wasn’t my choice for everything to change. It truly was a thing that just happened, nobody planned for me to sick, nobody could foresee that I’d be highly sensitive to ropineral and it’s deviating side effects and that in course of time it took to understand my medication and the new normals of Parkinson’s that it destroy everything I’d spent a lifetime working toward .

On that note , with great love and sadness I say adieu. I hope to check in from time to time on my Instagram and here. I believe my email and phone are listed here on the site . Be well and may whatever faithe you hold dear give you peace in life . Always, Benjamin, Father and brother.

Happy birthday my son

The best part of my life was spent with you. Happy birthday to my one and only boy. I love you and miss you.

Always,Dad.

Somewhere, somehow we met the world come between us. Please know I’m here, I love you and when you’re ready I am too.

Then again maybe not

It’s been a while since I’ve had anything of substance to share that wasn’t tainted with my anger, deep deep grief and unyeilding sense of loss I’ve carried with me the days and months that my life truly fell apart. Divorce, death, cancer, chronic pain, abuse at the hands of trusted family and friends. Sadly it seems this is what my world became during my battle with cancer and during the time I should have been recovering from, honestly what probably should have killed me. I was fighting for my life and sanity. Now I sit 3 years safe in the mountain home hiding from everything and everyone. It’s almost my 51st birthday and I’ve I’ve barely bought new clothes or furnishings of any kind since M tossed out my stuff and since Paula tried to blackmail me and my family by tossing me to desert and stealing what was left of a life I’d never back and who knows if I’ll ever truly recover from the life that’s been given me.

When I was younger I learned very very early that the world was an evil place. In doing so I looked for the good in everyone, this to fault by holding onto false hopes that a person would ever change the way I saw the goodness in them. I learned that just knowing where an issue comes from or that it is an issue at all is entirely different that possessing the ability to know how to fix it. In a few short days assuming I live to see my birthday I’ll be 51. I’m thankful for the people I have in my life, though I will always carry the grief of a broken father. I don’t where my son is, I don’t know why he and I don’t speak or why we stopped speaking. I just hope he knows how much I love him and miss him. I hope he can forgive me for my part in the loss of his family constuct. I hope someday he and many others understand that so did I…. Much love and happy almost birthday to me.

Special prayers to those who passed before me, Dad, Grandma Ruth, Grandma Pat, Josh and probably more in the month of May than I care to remember. Be well out there in the land of pandemic and mayhem. Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have. You never know when everything can change. B-2021

Alive,well and still here holding onto hope.

I'm still here, waiting as I've searched and been met with rejection at every turn.