Thoughtless nights and sleepless words

Sometimes I wonder with this corvid-19 adventure if it’s even worth playing the game anymore. Social isolation until a reasonable amount of people won’t die or be horribly wounded because of a rush to judgement. A year 18 months maybe longer since the last vaccine we humans made was for polio.. don’t quote me on that, it’s a tequila timeline quote. Possibly correct and possibly bullshit lol. Though I may just research it now that I’m curious. But I’m pretty sure we’ve never done an effective vaccine for a Corina virus otherwise we’d no longer have the flu or common cold. Whatever all I know is after all this bullshit I’m still gonna have Parkison’s, my kids will dislike as much as they do now and I’m still going to wake up to an empty bed , body full of pain and head full of clouds. Yay πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸ§§πŸ˜΅πŸ€―πŸ˜΅ almost at the no thanks level. As a grown up all I ever wanted was a family. I didn’t want to be a single guy running around painting and writing poetry… Well I did want to do that stuff but I wanted a family too. I suppose I could say I’m lucky to have had both a family and a chance to be the “Artists” honestly I kind thought the Dad husband part was going to last a long time longer. Anyhow, corvid-19. I’ve been sick for 21 days now with an undetermined upper respiratory infection.. But even with world wide pandemic and people literally filling up the ER rooms around the world a person in the United States of America can’t walk in and say hey I’m sick af for no reason. Can I get tested?? Nope no Sir. You’ve gotta be so fucking sick you can’t help yourself and must be hospitalized. Or know exactly who it was that have you covid19. Which BTW is almost impossible since it’s gestation period is unknown for sure …. Why? Because it’s a Novel Virus. Novel means new for those still trying to catch up. Yes it covid19 rant time. I’m over being single. Isn’t that why all these ladies have onlyfans and premium whatever chats for?? I’m weird I know I like my sex in person. My chats online , my wife in real time and my income constant lol. Is that to much to ask? Final thoughts.. Sunday night. I miss my life, my kids this new life it kinda sucks and I’m way over it. Covid19 has killed my virtually none existing sex life and I’m also kind of I’ve that too. I still have Parkison’s and right this second I’m kinda freaked out about being sick for so long with no word as to word is wrong. I really tired of being single and being percieved as being a lunatic when in reality, I’m just broken. I did good fixing most of my broken pieces from childhood but then the grown up shit started happening and that was 22 billion times worse than being a kid FML. So yeah I’m going to put my isolated, tired , grumpy but to bed. Have a great quarantine people, shame on you if your not practicing physical distancing right now. Chances are good you’re actions are directly putting someone elses life in danger. Nobody should have that rigSht without do process. Anyhow Good night, chances are good I’ll be here tomorrow. So be good, be safe and healthy. B2020 day 19/20 practicing social distancing… I actually enjoy it truth be told. Lol.. damn people are so freaking messy.

How to see straight in a tilted world …*Just thoughts 21/03/2020

I think I’ve forgotten how to breathe or maybe the world has gone mad with crazy and now only the crazy people see straight? Truly in these days of madness all I hear and see on social media is tension, disregard, disrespect, disinformation and fear. Maybe it’s a reflection of how Ii feel the world is or the ways I see myself/ yourself in some way or ways I suppose a person of perspective could ponder it for a lifetime or many perhaps.

What I do know is that I don’t really like or understand so much much of it. The hate has no place, the fear though of what is with this virus. That fear and theses changes that are happening now and will continue to happen are real. They will force so many people to the reexamination of they are and what they need in their heart and souls to survive. I tried to send a warning to so many people about corvid-19 in January and was met with jokes and jabs about being to serious or that I was will informed or somehow that the human being that I am that’s trapped in the this fucking broken ass body is somehow less of a man, human ,father or damn good friend when a friend was in need. Well to those of you I hope you listened in some small part of your brain and prepare at least your mind for what’s to come.. There are not words in our language that can express my sorrow and heartbreak for humanity right now. Millions I human beings are dying and suffering right now. I pray with words only God knows and understands forbid all. I hope that if you are effected directly by this virus that you heal with golden light in abundance. For those who are not ill but effected which is ever single human being on this planet. This for you. May we all use this universal silence to break from bad habits of judgment and failures as a humanity. To re learn to look to own houses for support, to our neighbors for kindness . Let us remember the times when what a person had was there words and actions. And to those words and actions they would be held accountable in all truths. Let relearn to love in the way that love was meant to be.. To lift up one another in honor of each other and in honor of self. Not to sound like a preacher because I know far better than anyone’s wild dreams the creature I am. We need to remember that to love is to give, to give is to lift up not for personal gain but to truly be lifted with joy of self because another human has reached a greater place in life. Be that place a moment in time, a day, a week a year a lifetime . Each encounter we have with each other as humans does not have to be met with deflection of one another. We should meet each leesin and leave each person feeling more embraced more supported than before. Imagine that. Imagine a world where each person you met only wanted the best for you. If words were simple and straight.. like how are you. How can help you. Or can you help me please. Or imagine if what it was like when you saw someone in pain and just wanted their pain to stop and they let you help and that how it feels t know that that behavior is normal… Normal like first nature. First thought should never be run, hide, fear or anger. First thought should always be how, why, what can I do to make it better . In doing this act.. Something that in truth is often something so little as writing a lost like this to world begging each of you to please listen to your inner self. To that small voice that’s buried under all this stuff that life has out between us. To use this time of universal silence as a time to grow, to heal and to relearn what the dedication of true love and kindness is like.. I don’t edit these free though form thought posts so please don’t call the grammar and spelling police on me.

We’re all this life together and I’ve never left your side (s) never will. Though things have changed and I’m not the man I ever was, I’m something far greater and far less at the same time, and I think that it’s just okay with me. Be loved I love you. Be kind, be brave , be bold and thrive in the life you have, you never know when it’s going to change but change it will. Benjamin-2020

Three A.M. and do you know where your dog is…

Two AM words that leaked from ear into the pillow. I tried to scoop them up and put them into some kind of order for you today. Be sure to chew your food. πŸŽ™οΈIn my best Bukowski reading voice.**. You must have a mental note of this voice for this poem to make sense in your inner (voice)head. πŸŽ™οΈArt is like a lonely whore on thirds street 🚬 She wakes you at 3am to get lift into town. Makes you wait while she showers then calls you Daddy until payday.. πŸ’Έ Art is fickle but I love her so , she comes and goes , knows my name well by now. At least when she leaves she doesn’t use her teeth. I’ve taught her that much. Art is fickle though I love her so, each day before leaves she sews my heart back together, pour me a drink, kisses my forehead and gives me a small small that only I know means she’ll be back, she’s sorry she can’t stay but nobody wants to watch a young fool turn into tired warrior. Maybe I’ll sleep till Christmas or maybe I’ll pour another Scotch, change the radio and dance myself to sleep. Art is fickle but I love her so…. B-2020 #iwritestuff #bukowskifan #darkart #wordsmatter #myart #myshakylife #cancersurvivor #parkinsonswarrior ##workinprogress #iwillnevergiveup #latenightthoughts #welcometomyworld #gemini #pnwartist #liveart https://www.instagram.com/p/B9OpfPLlQUedm7wU1dMCJ9I7fpiGnlujlFCJjI0/?igshid=bu5bj2s7zgrz

In time

I will find another life to lead until then this one I’ve used to death, it’s time is near. I can feel it in my bones and my soul. This heart doesn’t want this life , it’s that simple. People for the last few years have been so vocal about how strong I am , brave for going it alone, cancer, Parkinson’s the trauma of losing a family a house and my past, present and future taken from you. For those of you while been paying attention.. This adventure has sucked . To be honest I’m really just hanging out to see what happens . I’ve almost no motivation or desires for my own personal self anymore. The lack of dopamine in my head literally makes everything bland… It’s hand to explain when one doesn’t have sustained emotions and when I do they are often associated with truama. Why because for the most part since my wife decided I was not in the plan. Then 2 years with Katelyn and I split it’s been nothing but hell with moments of very brief sunshine. PD has made it so I literally can’t tell who’s on my side or not. Visual Agnosia is a horrible thing. Not understand or I should say recognizing the social warning signs until it’s to late has become detrimental to my existence. But here’s the thing, I’m not sure I really wanna live like this. No companion to keep me from making stupid choices or helping me guide through what’s left of this life. Sure soon I’ll take my final tests for DBS hopefully I’ll get in surgery as planned and I’ll be able to tell you guys of what it’s like to have two implants put permanent into your skull and zapped with electrical current. Yay, go me wooohooo ..FML

Some of you may be thinking but why be upset you get this chance to continue to live….. Yes I realize this obviously and I retort I’d say. Have you not been paying attention, what part of my life is good to the point of no return.. well let’s look.

I’ve no home , except for with friends and at 49 that’s kinda a big FAIL. I’ve no job or real prospect to make more money than I currently get and if I do 2 things will happen, if it’s Physical work, which is what the farm and gardens are. I’ll destroy my body in the process because PD and this type of work don’t mix well. 2. I’ll make enough money to have to pay a crap ton of taxes. So let’s see, constantly in pain, constantly unsure if I’m making the right choice,(even about simple stuff) visual and audio hallucinations all day everyday, freezing in place or locked in as they say, losing ones balance and mobility, tendons pulled so tight that you can ear them strum across my bones as I get dressed,walk ….

I’m not even sure where to go from here. This crap plus the normal shit all of the rest of you*us* have to deal with on a daily basis except for in my end , there are no family to help pick up the pieces and for the very very few I do have left. They have their own burdens . Aunts and uncles. I’d never put the full weight of this beast I carry on anyone, so my mom helps when she can but as many of you know ..as.much as. I do love my momma with everything I am. I have no desire to live in th desert again. If a had it my way I’d glass Arizona in heart beat just to disappear that Paula women. Anyhow I’ll die in the pnw or in a village in Europe. That the only place I’ve felt at home since PD kicked in. Canada, Scotland, England (somewhere) or Spain. So there ya go. I’m here at the bottom of this fucked up life looking up at all of you wondering how did I fall so far. Once I had a freaking epic job. 12 years in the video game and electronic field, two great kids and a fantastic wife. A huge house with some land. We had finally made it 😜πŸ€ͺ😜πŸ€ͺ turns out my mother-in-law hated me so once the PD kicked and the bad medicine , followed by a fuck ton of literally the wrong medications. Remember I was under dx for two years..That’s two years of taking the wrong highly impactful brain medications that WERE THE WRONG ONES. people have met me with such harsh judgement of the last five years . But you know the saddest part of all. Is once a person doesn’t have a family. Nobody is obligated to help. Not like family, family stays no matter what, especially in cases of health. I mean really what kind of person would I be if I’d let either one of my grandmothers die alone..

Then again I guess that’s why I’m sleeping in a bed that’s not mine, with hand me down clothes and broken art supplies. No future, except for the farm and tiny house goals. But to be honest, that’s more for my housemate and his life a legacy for his family. At this point I’m tired, tired of fighting, tired of being alone and tired of trying to explain all this crap to people.. so there you go. My state of mind. And please hold your tongues on the comments. If anyone says oh it’s not been that hard or your blowing this out of proportion.. Be prepared to have me forget who you are completely..This words are not .LET ME REPEAT, THESE WORDS ARE NOT UP FOR INTERPRETATION..this isn’t a story you get assume stuff on. It’s not a fictional adventure tale. It’s my life and I’m giving you the perspective of the human who’s living it. That’s all..

B2020. I’m sure I’ll write more because this is what I have left. When your never going to get better people stop asking how you are… So this is the only way I can speak my truths and not have to burden any one soul.y photos, my writing and hoping to be able to paint a while more before I go. Who knows we shall see. On that note happy Friday for to you time keepers out there. Over and out. Benjamin

Here we are again..

Realized something this morning.. I’m broken to love and affection. After my experience with Paula in Arizona I’m not sure I’m ever truly going to be able to trust another woman again. Recently I’ve had a number of people reach out to me, Everytime something in me is triggered that senses danger and I’m ready to bail. Sadly at this point in my parkisons disease I can deceren between those who have the best or worst intent for me. Anyhow needless to say, me being triggered messing up everything seems to be the going aftermath of my life these days ,πŸ˜”πŸ˜”πŸ˜”πŸ˜” sad really. Anyhow I’m going to paint ,write and forget about love or anything of the sort. I’m just not sure that what’s left of me after all the stuff that I’ve anything to offer anyone.

Bye, b2020 #leftbehind