Sunday morning Sadness.

Letters to my son:vol: 19

I woke weeping that day. Today…. It might as well have been any day since the day my life changed. Have you ever had everything you hold most important taken from you?? Taken from you by somethinhg you can’t control? Like say your own body and mind. Parkinson’s disease and Cancer. I woke weeping today feeling the full loss of your love. Feeling the weight and gravity of this lifetime all at once like a weight to heavy to bare. A crushing,all consuming sadness. Seven hours later and the tears still flow as hide from the sunshine today. Darkness filles my heart today for soon my son I’ll be gone and will have missed your years of being a young man. I’ll have missed you and your life our lives as men together. I’ve so much to teach amd share about life and it’s perils. Don’t fish in the Midwest, do eat steak. Don’t date people who have more than one name online and never assume you have life figured out because the second you do it’ll change and new challenges and lessons will present themselves. Be kind to everyone and someday hopefully it will come back to you. The only reason I’m alive now is because of the graciousness of the universe. There are really good people in the world. Don’t become so jaded that losethe ability to see them. I worked all my life away so you could have a better one than me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to see you grow into the good hearted man I k iw you are. I love you Andersen. I always have and always will.

Love Dad.

Advertisements

Creature~ Who am I… Long free write

On such a calm wind does this heart sail. Strong and steady worse for the wearing of time yet stout hearted and stubborn to the bitter end. Has this new dawns light emerged to give hope, can such a butterflies embrace be strong enough to hold strong during the storms of passions madness.

Slowly creature emerges broken and shy does it do I dare to taste fresh air again, such tender words build waves of hope….. Where shall these wave of love break? Upon silken sands, soft as feathers in a lovers hand or upon the broken rocks and dreams of past ideals. Alas with a lovers heart and a mind on fire I press forward with the giddiness of a child yearning for rest, tired from the storm this childs heart and warriors soul is ready to come home….. Find me amongst the night and I will shine for you. Find me amongst your darkest night and brightest days. I am yours, this paradox of time and relative space become this enigma that exists only to give, a knowing I’ve seen to the end. A knowing I embrace, please take all from me… Take it!!! Better yet I give it all away as I gave it before. Take all of me, but bewarned tamed or not there be demons a foot, which never sleep. Understanding and compassion do you see me or the misdeeds if my past or my love for the future with a passionate,simple here and now..

Find me, for I am here. A place where love overflows through passages wide and deep. I will give you everything, So do beware take me as I am this creature I’ve become, a paradox of love and bitter sadness. Yet so willing to live to love, to thrive and share this tender broken heart.. Find me, my heart loves your heart and it drives my soul to madness… Find me for I am yours if you’ll have me. I’m yours if you see and understand the madness that come from the outside in and not the inside outside. This heart loves your heart though this body slowly,….. Sadly falls alart..

Come find me this creature and I for we have paid the ferryman. My demons and I are at peace for I know. Her name and it is not you… though time is now shorter than longer…. I see that now as I stand before the world bare and wounded… Time, it really does keep moving and sadly we , this body, this place as we know it does not. So for now I am here as I am not sure if i’ll ever believe in for better or worse again. But my spirit is neverending and my love though now timid and shy can still be found upon this sleeve of dreams and nightmares I bare. For my heart is your heart, these hands are not mine, this stregnth only a vehicle where from I carry the burdens of mankind so that I may earn my penance in this lifetime.

May all your dreams come.

Benjamin

Thoughts

As in gardening so in life. Never plant a seed you don’t intend to grow.

Benjamin.

My words as far as I know but I’m sure it’s been said before. Pretty much all the words have.

The time of your life

Who’s life? My life? What about my life? I’ve lived beyond my wildest dreams, climbed mountains, traveled to foriegn lands. Seen beautiful once in a lifetime moments. I’ve been graced with the experience of family and friendships at every level. Now as I feel this body and mind start to faulter from their intended paths of usefulness. I watch in great fear and wonder this husk fades away, strength leaves us quick these days and thoughts have become unclear and lost at a moment’s flutter. *Refocusing 🙄

There is a certain clarity in losing ones mind and body. I know that Parkinson’s disease is or has a huge chance of ending me in x,y,z fashion. I know that as PD progresses I will become more and more dependant on others to care for me. Even now at 48-going on 25 🙄😂I have a full time carer and just yesterday was given my first anti- dementia med…..😱😵I haven’t started them yet. I’m like oh shit things are getting really exciting now 🙃🎉.

Ready for some ed-uma-ka-shun 😂 on PD

1. Top symptom inducer goes to “STRESS”

2. Runner up is Visual and auditory over stimulation.

3. Fatigue is your friend, get ready for none stop unrelenting cellular level fatigue. You’ll be so tired your bones will hurt,😘

4. Balance hold on is that boat dock I’m standing on or did some Just poke our my eye??😨 Yes you too get to experience a wide variety of balance and stability issues. Like that time when you were 8 and spun in circles until your sick… Yeah that kind of dizzy… NOW GO get UPFAST WALK.. kinda hard huh.. 😵

5. Last but not least he’s a thiller he’s a chiller but he’s not a killer it’s Dementia… But hey it’s okay you don’t have to pray. I won’t remember a damn thing anyways…. S.C.A.R.R.Y. SHITE.

And here’s the fun part for you wild and wacky people.. it’s progress.., and,….. incurable…. And 😱😱 that’s it lol 😷🤓 it’s neurological disorder but we all knew that.

So how about that, I used a ton of words and said barely anything.I think it’s strange how words work at times. When so few words an express an overwhelming ocean on depth and evoke great emotional connection, like… Dad died . Two little words, that literally change world’s.

I forgive you. I used to think I love you were the three best and most rewarding words ever.. As I’ve grown older and had more chances to make mistakes. As I’ve lived a more full life. I’ve realized or come to realize that many people in life will tell you they love you but few will say they forgive you and then stick around to grow that love you received and shared with them to anything more than what it was.

Okay. It’s 2:00 am pst I’ve been up for 22 hrs it’s time for bed. I’ve squirreled the entire point of this post so in an effective to show how PD has effected me I’m going to leave it as is. Disjointed and random lol because…. I’m sleepy. Goodnight humans and please wherever you are and whatever you’re doing please know that you are loved and cherished. I’m tired and I’ve been through hell and back. I’ve lost everything I ever wanted and worked my ass off for. I wonder what would you do if everything you wanted,worked and sacrificed for over the course of being an adult was taken away from you because of something that you had no control over. No job, no family, no car, no stability, no home and suddenly you find yourself alone in a foreign country or in your home town where everyone who knew you is gone or dead, everyone you know is knew. You wake one morning to the sound of your cell alarm blaring as your back aches from sleeping on the floor, sleeping bag strewn and cold. The floor dusty and unfamiliar…. And yes you have a progressive incurable neurological disorder. You have Parkinson’s Disease. Welcome to my world.