One last time..

As the depth of my heart crash against the gentle shores of your life. Don’t fear the darkness that bares down upon me, for it is just covering the golden light behind it’s fearsome blackened eyes of pending passing. I do not fear death as I walk towards the door to forevermore. With you by my side I the darkness gives way and I fade into the light one last time.

Benjamin

2018 end of the year words.

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Merry Christmas

Just a quick hello and Merry Christmas to all of you. I love you and I miss you. I’m not sure how or if I’ll keep up on social media in 2019 this last year has me broken and honestly fairly distrustful of close relationships. Cancer , Parkisons disease, bad choices some beyond my control some because of how my perception of the word has changed me.amd my reaction to it and the people I’ve encountered. With all my belongings still in Arizona and no family in Salem I doubt I’ll stay here for long. Just enough time to settle some debts and say some good-byes. May all of you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New year. The the world be kind to you and you to it.

Benjamin

Hurts doesn’t it.

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#Goodnight to you. Today I learned a hard lesson in letting go. But I did it. I'm learning to set my #boundaries and say NO. No more of my time,energy, ect.. learning to not give away all my love, #compassionate and #friendships to people who really are just #passing through.. I guess you could say I'm learning how to give back what I receive and not 5 million times more. It's tough though as a #giver #hopelessromantic I want to believe that I'll not live this life #alone but #idk It's the holidays so I guess I'm just #thankful to be here. B-2018 #lifelessons #timechangeseverything #selfcare #thrive #mylifewithcancer #mylifewithparkinsons #movingforward #2019 #newme #soulwork #hurt #bethechangeyouwanttosee #imywcs #merrychristmas #newbeginnings

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#Goodnight to you. Today I learned a hard lesson in letting go. But I did it. I’m learning to set my #boundaries and say NO. No more of my time,energy, ect.. learning to not give away all my love, #compassionate and #friendships to people who really are just #passing through.. I guess you could say I’m learning how to give back what I receive and not 5 million times more. It’s tough though as a #giver #hopelessromantic I want to believe that I’ll not live this life #alone but #idk
It’s the holidays so I guess I’m just #thankful to be here.
B-2018
#lifelessons #timechangeseverything #selfcare #thrive #mylifewithcancer #mylifewithparkinsons #movingforward #2019 #newme #soulwork #hurt #bethechangeyouwanttosee #imywcs #merrychristmas #newbeginnings

Sometimes it’s best to just write, let it all go and flow

Within these short harrowing years of life we share on this planet why do we spend so much of it ignorant to our true purpose here. Are we but drones born to be unaware of our purpose? I’ve been peeling back the layers of sadness, confusion and rage I have over the life I’ve lead. Delicately not spending to much time in each memory box

Just enough to get the fact that I’m tired, sad, physically and emotionally worn out. It’s hard to want one true thing back into your life once you’ve stated what your own personal version of what right looks like. I don’t know that anymore what I want as a man. I fear love and relationships now. Ive been burned to many times. My judgement is shot or never was good to begin with. I had been given the gift of a family, one of my own creation but it was not my gift to keep. I had the gift of success both professional and personal in business and in the Arts much to my surprise. Now as a man nearly the last or next phase of his physical life on Earth. What do I do with me. What is it that I want to wake up and see everyday. What I want I can’t have and don’t know how to find a again. I’m not sure I’ll ever allow myself to be open enough to receive that kind of joy again. I trust in God and the universe to point things out but at some point the simple human interpretation of those thought and how they manifest into my life I keep messing up.. Sadly in some ways I feel I’ve failed. Myself, my family, forefathers and grandmothers. Thanks for letting me talk. It’s a hard day for me Sundays often are. It’s they day my son and I used to meet. Also the dad of family and rest. Realistically I know all these stuff and things will get sorted I guess I just doubt my ability to contribute to the life stream in a positive way. My paintings are dark, my mood is dark. My body rages at me daily…… Okay.. snapping out of this bullshit mood I’m in is hard. To end in a positive note. I have a new caregiver starting so at least I’ll have someone in the real world to talk to and hang out with.. Someone with no prejudgment of me someone who can just hamdle me for who and what I am. And I know, I can see everyones eyes rolling in the back in your heads. Here we go again. Well to be honest I don’t know. I hope not. I don’t want anymore drama..All Ive wanted since my separation from my family is to paint and write. I just don’t seem to be capable of setting up myself in an environment to do so. 🤔

Okay I’m done.with words for a while back to my paint and music.

Work in progress.

Sunday 12-16-18