Letters to my son: page 734

I wish I knew what to say. I wish knew where you were or what happened. I had cancer , you came to see me , I didn’t die, I tried so hard to live so that we could have a life together. I know it wasn’t the life we wanted to have or that we had as a family. I’m sorry for that change in our lives, but please understand that all the choices were not mine. Many of those choices were made for me or my reactions to things around me. I never meant for one second to lose you in all of this. Slowly as the chemo-brain fog and radiation treatments fade. In between the moments where Parkinson’s disease doesn’t have me running every which way. I see things clearly and yet I don’t understand why you are not here with me from time to time . Why did you have to disappear and where did you go. What happened between us that would take you so far away. I can’t imagine myself ever doing anything that would make you leave like this. I tried to give our family everything I didn’t have growing up and in many ways I did. We wanted for nothing. Little did I know the thing I didn’t give you was myself. Even though I gave you everything of myself , after 50,60,70 hrs of work a week providing for the family. There was barely waking time to be a family. Though my mind is filled only with joyful memories I can only assume that your are not. For if your childhood wasn’t the gift I thought it was I’m truly sorry. I did everything, gave everything I had and in the end when I got sick , it felt like everyone left . Left me to die , let me have this burden of Parkinson’s alone with no family to find shelter upon. No home to come home to. Then came the cancer and soon to follow a line of humans who would have rather taken everything from me rather than see me well. Tisha and Paula. Shame on you. So here I am yet again writing to you, writing to the world cruel as it is. Where are you? What happened to you? To us. I am here , I alive, not entirely lost to my diagnosis, painting and writing, growing green things and food to eat. Living a lift inspired by living well. I’m not rich anymore, I don’t have anything to call my own. No Physical reminder of my past. All that stolen from me in Arizona. Everything is worked for all my life of gone. Every gift, memory of my life ripped from me. Now I am truly and only a representative of myself. No fancy clothes or nice things, no house of my own nor future to offer. But I am and have always been a kind and gentle soul. Generous and kind to a fault. Naive to the true evils of man and womankind alike. I miss you my son and I miss my step daughter as well though it’s odd to say it that way as I never raised you as a step anything. So here I reach out knowing not what else to do. Here I leave a story written from me to you. In hopes before I’m gone , before PD takes my fully my ability to even recognize your face I hope with every heartbeat and every breath that I’ll have the chance to know you again. Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, please know that you are loved and cherished, missed dearly with every fiber of my being. I love you boo and wish I knew what to say or what to do to make you come back to me. Sincerely your Dad, your father. Benjamin M Prewitt.

Things written.. page 72,345 give or take

How lucky are we to live through this life long enough to endure the pain of its beauty. Sadly though to feel every thought of everything is to much for human heart to bare. Such a nostalgic wasteland of crushed dreams and next things. A consumption of time and stuff that bogs the mind and lessons the blows of age and time and death and fear of actually loving our dreams to there fullest. How frial this human heart that can best forever if givens chance yet breaks on dime and stops at every chance to weak to furthermore this broken shell. Words…… Drip from a wounded life , a tired soul lost inside a lost souls nightmare . Heartache is what breaks the human soul. I know , I’ve seen it with my own eyes as it devours everything in it’s path until it’s gone… These words , this life of constant questions and qweery. A life spent pondering why. A life worked hard for others gone and all for what? After a lifetime pondering and wondering the world I still don’t know the answer to the question or questions to answers I’ve found. I did meet a smaller me in cancer death. We sat and we cried as the life that was died. I wonder why I had to die that day so long ago so very far away when we heard the doctors say…… It’s Parkinson’s disease….. Everything is a bit hazzy since then and cancer did as it pleased.. Does one ever recover from such loss of lives, love and loss.

**It’s been a while since I’ve purged words from my soul, so please pardon the feverish flow of getting go of things I may never know. This life is not what I thought it would be and still find moments where I look back in utter shock and awe of the choices I felt I was forced to make and that of those I saw others make in the wake of what was . Cancer and it’s treatment are mother fx#&$er . There I’m done.

Benjamin. 2020

403 reasons to live.

Enjoy it.. it seems to be the only thing my last life requires from me is money. I gave you my heart, my health and very life I had. When it came time to be a family you choose money over me. Asked ME TO LEAVE. NOT MY CHOICE. Now HERE take the very little I have while I starve to death in a home I’ll never have. 10,880.00 I hope it fill it the void that I left behind. These words may sound angry to you from so far away from my world . But everyday for the last 8 years of my life has been hard, ugly and transformative. I’ve done all this virtually alone. Parkinson’s disease daily, Cancer, Covid-19, from where I sit. On the hand me downs of hand me downs take it all you e already taken my family. Take may ability to pay for life as well… Like I said before enjoy it. Out it good use. As you do, I’ll be living in shack eating rice and beans from paper plates . Remembering the times when I was King. These days I’m broken and well aware of who, how and why. I know I’ve maybe ten years left. I know exactly what is up with this mind and body. I’ve. Watched helplessly as it’s all fallen apart Infront of me. So yeah. Hope you all are well. I.M.A you know where to find me , you have my numbers, you get to live with your choices Knowing that you not I made the choice to live a life without me and not the other way around. I didn’t leave my family. My family choose to leave me…. Enjoy the money.

Sincerely Benjamin M Prewitt aka a guy once called Dad.

Thoughtless nights and sleepless words

Sometimes I wonder with this corvid-19 adventure if it’s even worth playing the game anymore. Social isolation until a reasonable amount of people won’t die or be horribly wounded because of a rush to judgement. A year 18 months maybe longer since the last vaccine we humans made was for polio.. don’t quote me on that, it’s a tequila timeline quote. Possibly correct and possibly bullshit lol. Though I may just research it now that I’m curious. But I’m pretty sure we’ve never done an effective vaccine for a Corina virus otherwise we’d no longer have the flu or common cold. Whatever all I know is after all this bullshit I’m still gonna have Parkison’s, my kids will dislike as much as they do now and I’m still going to wake up to an empty bed , body full of pain and head full of clouds. Yay 🎉🎉🧧😵🤯😵 almost at the no thanks level. As a grown up all I ever wanted was a family. I didn’t want to be a single guy running around painting and writing poetry… Well I did want to do that stuff but I wanted a family too. I suppose I could say I’m lucky to have had both a family and a chance to be the “Artists” honestly I kind thought the Dad husband part was going to last a long time longer. Anyhow, corvid-19. I’ve been sick for 21 days now with an undetermined upper respiratory infection.. But even with world wide pandemic and people literally filling up the ER rooms around the world a person in the United States of America can’t walk in and say hey I’m sick af for no reason. Can I get tested?? Nope no Sir. You’ve gotta be so fucking sick you can’t help yourself and must be hospitalized. Or know exactly who it was that have you covid19. Which BTW is almost impossible since it’s gestation period is unknown for sure …. Why? Because it’s a Novel Virus. Novel means new for those still trying to catch up. Yes it covid19 rant time. I’m over being single. Isn’t that why all these ladies have onlyfans and premium whatever chats for?? I’m weird I know I like my sex in person. My chats online , my wife in real time and my income constant lol. Is that to much to ask? Final thoughts.. Sunday night. I miss my life, my kids this new life it kinda sucks and I’m way over it. Covid19 has killed my virtually none existing sex life and I’m also kind of I’ve that too. I still have Parkison’s and right this second I’m kinda freaked out about being sick for so long with no word as to word is wrong. I really tired of being single and being percieved as being a lunatic when in reality, I’m just broken. I did good fixing most of my broken pieces from childhood but then the grown up shit started happening and that was 22 billion times worse than being a kid FML. So yeah I’m going to put my isolated, tired , grumpy but to bed. Have a great quarantine people, shame on you if your not practicing physical distancing right now. Chances are good you’re actions are directly putting someone elses life in danger. Nobody should have that rigSht without do process. Anyhow Good night, chances are good I’ll be here tomorrow. So be good, be safe and healthy. B2020 day 19/20 practicing social distancing… I actually enjoy it truth be told. Lol.. damn people are so freaking messy.