Wax on, wax off

There are times in the night that are so long and so fearful that not even upon my demons would I wish this gripping fear and anxiety upon them or any another living soul. They feed on the slightest touch, even a glance or side stare and they’re back and I am human I am full of weakness and tortured pains. Crushing darkness like only those who have truly looked into deaths cold dark eyes can understand. A pain so encompassing and soul sucking that the very thought of it leaves a a foul taste in my mouth.

Then I am lost in sea of words that have feeling, as to say a true chemical touch like licking a light socket while dancing in the rain with your head on fire as they laugh and throw broken bottles at your feet at you, while you stumble and fall from grace.

These days are spent pretending to care, pretending to be alive and not just some walking corpse of a man used to be. A shell of a human I even want to be anymore, dancing with beggars and demons, used for shelter while giving shelter while needing shelter is a hard place to hide from. Not a good place to be nor a place or human I ever thought I’d see never the less live fully as a man my age… Life, love, cancer and disease are fickle bitches in the night and abusive masters during the day….

Gone are the days of wine and roses. Gone are the days where I care about how much I weight or the swagger of my step. Belittled finally to the point where I don’t care anymore. Sick to my stomach as I watch the fairy light twinkle and fade. Flickering from muse to muse then expect to be fed and bed then put fast asleep. In slender sheets of cotten lace and paper trace, pretty little liars make suck delicate treats to eat if you can balance thier fires.

The End

“And then we all fall down.”

B-2018

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Touched

Funny how our perspective changes over time. Currently laying in bed sick with a head cold its kinda lame. The funny part is I’m such a huge baby when it comes to being sick. Fight cancer!! No problems, live daily with the challenges of Parkinson’s disease, I got this… But oh no πŸ˜±πŸ˜·πŸ€’πŸ€’πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ give me a head cold and I’m doomed..

I really do hate being sick, I don’t think of myself as a sick person, yes I have Parkinson’s disease and I beat cancer but I don’t feel like a “sick” or like an ill person. Anyhow someday I’ll tell you about this next adventure in life. Until then be safe and make good choices. Always.

Benjamin-2018

Unteather my love.

As the sounds of the night echo in the distance,a car door closes as the reminder to us all that we’re never really alone. Just often really lonely. Funny thing fear and being alone can do to one’s confidence and morale. It makes us accept less than we would ever have. Simply. A short story: Once upon a time, love meant never having to be affraid. Now I’m not sure what it means to be truly loved. So many people coming and going so many sad stories to be told over and over again. These days nobody wants to commit because nobody wants to get hurt. Even myself these days I find I’m more reserved than before.. some of you are rolling your eyes as we speak πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I’ve grown, though begrudgingly to accept that I most likely will never have another “normal” physical/soulful relationship. Sometimes it bothers me lots like tonight, but others times I’m rather thankful.

My head is swimming with thoughts tonight millions of them, and all I really wanted was a safe place to rest for the night. Unteather my love.

This lower section is a bit of a ramble, so if that matters then read no further.

In this madness of modern day communication, stop and look at yourself. The real you, not your FB page or Instagram. But you, take a look at the people who really are there.. those are your people that are in your real life. With all this advancement of knowledge and humans relationship yet we still cheat and lie to each others faces just to avoid the consequences of our own actions. Just a social observation, btw. I’m not sure what or if I like what the world has turned into these days. If words mean then nothing to a world gone cold then I shall sit quietly and wait to die, count my blessings and be thankful for the life I’ve had the honor of living. Anyhow I’m done for tonight. I hope wherever the world finds you that you are kind to it and it to you.

B-2018

Blessings and surprises

Once upon a time, I was like so many of you out there. I had a good job that I was good at. I had the two kids, 2 cars, cats, a wife and house that I’d finally after a lifetime built.

Then came Parkinson’s disease in 2009, diagnosed by 2011 and retired by 2012. Deemed Federally unfit for duty in 2014, diagnosed with inoperable metastic throat cancer in 2016 which brings us to this year 2018 where I’m embroiled in a battle with the same company that helped me through the process my LTD insurance company Cigna. Like a made for TV movie during cancer treatment 10 weeks of chemo and radiation treatments. Cigna does a random 6 year review which is leagel per policy but completely underhanded. In my chemo fog I give them what I believe is the most recent information. Here’s where it gets good…. They deny my claim after 6 years based on lack of information!!!!! Like someone found a cure for Parkinson’s disease 😱😱😱 So since September of last year I’ve been without the income my LTD insurance provides and simply depending on the grace of God and kind souls to provide for my well being. Rent and Medicaid and Medicare aren’t free when you’re only 47. Huge amounts of gratitude for my SSDI. With no Carer and no roommate. I’ve been forced to make a huge decision of whether or not to fight to stay in my house or give up everything I’ve worked for since my Divorce and separation from K a few years ago. Okay now to the blessings.

Here a is the last piece SOLD. Thanks to Mrs. Green and dear friend whom I’ve know since the beginning of this journey with Parkinson’s disease and cancer. Also my dear friend Ms.Cole who has bought one and commissioned 2 more.

Angels both of you are to me and I’m forever thankful for your support. You’ve given hope wich is something I’ve been running out of in a way I’ve never experienced before. So truly thank you from my soul to yours.

Benjamin-2018

Bye bye butterfly bye bye

I once caught a butterfly, she was most magnificent thing you’ll ever see. I chased and chased then finally she was mine… Slowly, then quicker and quicker the glitter began to fade. Little did I know that you can’t catch butterflies they catch you. For in my capture she fluttered and failed. Fell apart piece by beautiful piece, she was not to be caught for she needed a thousand points of light to free and with me she could never be. Bye bye butterfly bye bye.

The End.

B-2018