Letters to my son:vol: 19

I woke weeping that day. Today…. It might as well have been any day since the day my life changed. Have you ever had everything you hold most important taken from you?? Taken from you by somethinhg you can’t control? Like say your own body and mind. Parkinson’s disease and Cancer. I woke weeping today feeling the full loss of your love. Feeling the weight and gravity of this lifetime all at once like a weight to heavy to bare. A crushing,all consuming sadness. Seven hours later and the tears still flow as hide from the sunshine today. Darkness filles my heart today for soon my son I’ll be gone and will have missed your years of being a young man. I’ll have missed you and your life our lives as men together. I’ve so much to teach amd share about life and it’s perils. Don’t fish in the Midwest, do eat steak. Don’t date people who have more than one name online and never assume you have life figured out because the second you do it’ll change and new challenges and lessons will present themselves. Be kind to everyone and someday hopefully it will come back to you. The only reason I’m alive now is because of the graciousness of the universe. There are really good people in the world. Don’t become so jaded that losethe ability to see them. I worked all my life away so you could have a better one than me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to see you grow into the good hearted man I k iw you are. I love you Andersen. I always have and always will.

Love Dad.

On such a calm wind does this heart sail. Strong and steady worse for the wearing of time yet stout hearted and stubborn to the bitter end. Has this new dawns light emerged to give hope, can such a butterflies embrace be strong enough to hold strong during the storms of passions madness.

Slowly creature emerges broken and shy does it do I dare to taste fresh air again, such tender words build waves of hope….. Where shall these wave of love break? Upon silken sands, soft as feathers in a lovers hand or upon the broken rocks and dreams of past ideals. Alas with a lovers heart and a mind on fire I press forward with the giddiness of a child yearning for rest, tired from the storm this childs heart and warriors soul is ready to come home….. Find me amongst the night and I will shine for you. Find me amongst your darkest night and brightest days. I am yours, this paradox of time and relative space become this enigma that exists only to give, a knowing I’ve seen to the end. A knowing I embrace, please take all from me… Take it!!! Better yet I give it all away as I gave it before. Take all of me, but bewarned tamed or not there be demons a foot, which never sleep. Understanding and compassion do you see me or the misdeeds if my past or my love for the future with a passionate,simple here and now..

Find me, for I am here. A place where love overflows through passages wide and deep. I will give you everything, So do beware take me as I am this creature I’ve become, a paradox of love and bitter sadness. Yet so willing to live to love, to thrive and share this tender broken heart.. Find me, my heart loves your heart and it drives my soul to madness… Find me for I am yours if you’ll have me. I’m yours if you see and understand the madness that come from the outside in and not the inside outside. This heart loves your heart though this body slowly,….. Sadly falls alart..

Come find me this creature and I for we have paid the ferryman. My demons and I are at peace for I know. Her name and it is not you… though time is now shorter than longer…. I see that now as I stand before the world bare and wounded… Time, it really does keep moving and sadly we , this body, this place as we know it does not. So for now I am here as I am not sure if i’ll ever believe in for better or worse again. But my spirit is neverending and my love though now timid and shy can still be found upon this sleeve of dreams and nightmares I bare. For my heart is your heart, these hands are not mine, this stregnth only a vehicle where from I carry the burdens of mankind so that I may earn my penance in this lifetime.

May all your dreams come.

Benjamin