Letters to my son: Hope

Everyday I hold on to this invisible thing we as humans call hope. I wake, I look at your photos. Some of them with the family we had together some of them with just you and I. Please know I think of you every day and every night. There hasn’t been a days since your mother told me she didn’t want to be my wife or to have me in our family anymore that I haven’t worried about you and your sister. There hasn’t been day since those words were uttered that I haven’t cried and hoped you’d find me. I don’t understand why we can’t have a life together. Sadly lots of families experience divorce and they still keep close. Why did our family not deserve that chance. So many people have judge me unfairly during times where I was not capable of making good choices. I was either way beyond knowing what to do or so pumped full of chemotherapy and radiation treatments for cancer that I couldn’t think or properly care for myself. Unfortunately I didn’t have people to take care of me. I couldn’t take care of myself. The combination of the Parkinson’s, the shock of the divorce and then the cancer was to much for me as man , a human being, a father, brother and friend to bare alone. The judgement passed on me by my peers was harsh and unforgiving. Since those days I’ve removed myself from the equation. I live a simple life now. The mountain has been good to me. I garden, raise a few animals and go about my day like this is all what was supposed to happen, though I know it wasn’t. There are days it feels like I woke up in a different life. Like the timeline I was on ruptured and I woke in another. One where I wasn’t happy and healthy.

One where my life had been torn apart from inside out. I don’t know why we don’t speak or share life. Hope, hope is what I have to hold onto. My body and mind are failing more and more quickly, I hope in your life you realize that I never stopped loving you, missing you or needing you in my life. I was literally kept away from you by the wealth of the family and their ability to out do anything and everything I could do. On that I hope you are well and thriving in whatever your life has in-store for you. I love dearly Andersen Prewitt.

Benjamin, your father.

Letters to my son: Everyday

Everyday I miss you. By now you’ve grown into a Young Man, it been years since we’ve met though I thought I saw you once at a game store . My head was lost, my mind full of nervous tension and anxiety. My eyes don’t see very well anymore and I can’t seem to find the help I need to find my way to get new ones , so fuzzy the world stays.

You won’t see around anymore, for been gone for years now. I try and stay away from the things in life that cause stress and make my Parkinson’s worse, sadly I’m still not very successful with that. I’ve had a few surgeries and will probably have a few more before I see you again, should I be granted that gift in this life. Deep brain surgery is back in the table according to my new neurologist. Everyday my heart breaks that your sister and I have been denied the opportunity to have a friendship let alone the relationship with all deserve. That’s life though,it happens to us all, the good the bad the unexpected and everything in between. At this point I can only hope that you are doing well, being brave, bold and thriving in the life you’ve chosen, please know I’m here always. Waiting, wishing and hoping to see you, to know you again in this life. As you look back at the things of our lives together please know and one day understand that I’m not half the monster I’ve been made out to be, not half the man I wanted to be. Yet I am still in my heart of hearts the kind, strong, loving father I hope you remember me as. It’s funny how I worked all my life to get to a point where we’d have the time to go and get to know each other as grown men. To able to mentor you in all the things not to do, to give the sound advice, care and concern I’d given to thousands of employees for years of your and my lives. I’m here, not perfect, not rich in anything but love, memories and a hug. Love always, Dad.

In a lifetime

I sit blindly in the dark waiting for you to come. I’ve seen your face face before, yes more than once . Years ago when you lifted me out of the culverts waters and spoke my true name. Then in year we crashed the car and I woke to your voice telling me to stay and everything was going to be okay. Then once again you came to me in the night when my body and mind were full cancer and chemicals. Now I sit blindly in the dark and wait for you to take me home. I’m tired and lonely, faced with argument and alcohol. Substance ms I left behind years ago creep back into my life and cloud the truths of what I’ve been through. This time I’m ready for you. My children don’t care to know my face and can’t remember my heart , dedication and love. I’ve no real home , certainly no real purpose in life anymore. So here I sit blindly waiting in dark for the light to take me home. This body can barely carry its own and the friends of the passed have turned to shadows of today. A family torn to pieces , a life wasted and soon to be forgotten like some many before me. I’ve grown tired and more lonely in my mind and body than ever before. I yearn to be in the UK with rolling hills and forever green. Wherever home is , that’s where I long to be, home a place I’ve not been in years . I hope you’ve found yours.B-2021