With every breath I miss you as I stand under the powder blue sky. A Skyline laced with golden ribbons of pink and fire as it licks the morning blues from their sleep.
Come my child, watch the morning sky lit with fire with me. Come stand by my side once more as day unfolds,. Letting the possibility of infinite joy and happiness Cascade over the past pains and tears of life gone by.
Here I search the desert to be reborn. To be found again in this heart of darkness as it bares witness to the life granted to this man. My life has changed but the faces and places that haunt me , mocking me end.
I find familiar everywhere yet nothing is the same. I look at the morning sky and weep tears of confusion as the days pass. Such a beautiful morning, such a beautiful day… Then why?… Why do I ache so though as do. This internal missive that echos through time.. someday I will truly rest in the arms of Angels and then maybe I shall sleep free of this mortal coil and demons that destroy my slumber.
May all your days be filled with confidence in whom you are and the choices you’ve made.
I think there comes a time in each of our lives where one is simply to exhausted to explain any further the amount of stress and disappointment a human mind and body can feel.
7:45;When I’m not actually communicating my brain is fine. When talking though is another story. I’m thinking 409 times faster than my body can process so I lose the ability to effectively communicate or properly execute basic daily tasks, make. Literally overwhelmed visually and audittoraly. Phone calls, schedule tasks, plan, cook, it pretty much sucks butt. There ya go. Life with Parkinson’s disease. Here’s the thing folks, Parkisons disease is a rough one. Nobody knows what’s next, some ppl with PD simply die 😂 really just randomly. Some live long happy lives. Some like me get it young and then it gets interesting. See at my age and skill set I’ve been able to chronicle the madness that is PD. From a strong healthy family man, business leader and community NPO advocate to a bewildered, confused post cancer, advanced now 9 years later with PD. Dementia creeping it’s ugly f#+ker of a face in the shadows. Yes I’ve been lucky to have been able to share my story. To share what it’s like to be torn apart by a society that doesn’t believe in taking care of it’s own, being dis valued by a society that says not fixable is unwanted and unworthy of fair and compassionate judgment. I’m tired and in the middle of what will hopefully be my last rollercoaster for a while. Left high amongst the precipus of a breaking wave told to have faith one last time. This time I’ve truly committed my soul and every last fiber of my being to. I have nothing left to give. No vial ke future to see or dreams to jave that are dependant upon others. So…. Yeah… Parkisons disease sucks. Be kind to each other as the days go by in the end the thought of dying alone is terrifying.
Change is coming my friends a cold will blows this morning as my fragile heart opens slowly to see what damage has been done by the passing storms of my life. This ship is setting sail to a warmer Sea. On a gently breeze to a place where I can be me judgment and expectation free of the old me. For he his gone, he can’t drive anymore,talk or walk well. That me is always confused and affraid of the demons that made me who I am today. Build me up to let me go just to see if I have the strength to believe that a kitten can learn new tricks or an old dog to stop chewing a bone. We shall see. The he,me,we I…. That I am today has had Eno pain and regrets, should haves and could haves. Before this dementia takes me wholey. Yes Parkisons disease comes with a whole host of periphreial issues that it comes with, dementia, instability, Ridgid tendons and ligaments,muscles and weakness. Before some of the really fun shit sets in one gets to experience the Agnosia. The inability to executive function. Plan ,start or finish tasks on a timeline, the in ability to process words ,light, motion and sound at a regular rate.. Put things in the correct order. You know all that basic shit that keeps the works spinning. I can’t do effectively anymore… Honestly it’s scary AF .
When one has lived their entire life with an overwhelming and when I say OVERWHELMED I mean it. Growing up I was so far inside my head half the time I’m surprised they didn’t lock me up as a kid. Abandonment does fucked up things to kids. Anyhow here I am 48 years old I’ve raised a Family. Been married twice, raised 3 kids, made one my son Andersen whom I’ve not see or spoken to in over a year. **Huge reason I’m moving, why stay where your not wanted. Right??
I’ve had a great working career I was able to prove to myself that even with a less than highschool education that a person could be successful in anything and I was. Too 3-5% of every company I worked for, accolades at every turn. So I’m know I was good at business.
I love you all dearly but I seem to have lost the ability to show that feeling correctly these days and most of the time you don’t care to figure me out. I get it I was once to busy in my life as well. Now in this last chapter of my life. I’m battling the very insurance company that that deemed me disabled 6 years ago. I’ve lost my career,house,kids,wife, family and confidence. The state wants me to pay back child support to a woman whom I have a separation agreement with and who has millions of dollars. It’s rediculous as I live on SSDI meager amount of money barely even poverty level. She wants me to pay her from keeping my son from me. Fuck that. Back to court we go. Then I file bankruptcy because this world is not fair ,mean spirited and bitter. Everything I hate about being human.
Anyhow I’ve whined and raved enough. I’m moving away. Wether it’s the right hoice or not idk but I’m making a choice which is more than most people do. I find that so often ppl sit around and do nothing with thier lives. I have a friend and all he does is tan. He’s disabled but that all he does m-f then Fri,sat,sun sees his kid on the weekends the back to tanning. I want more from life.
My choice in life is same as it’s always been. Try and be the best person I can be every day. For years it was please give me the strength to be the best father, employee (r) , husband I can be.
Now it’s more like thanks you for the ability to breath and stand on my own. May someday someone come along and live me enough to help me through the end of my days…. Kinda scary when my head’s clear enough to comprehend the true gravity of the situation.
So many things I’ve shared openly and painfully with the thousands of people here on WP. This my dear friend will be some of the last for a while. I love you all so very dearly and I appreciate you very much. I would have left this world long ago if not for a free of you here and a few on Instagram who helped me through throat Cancer.
Anyhow I’m off to pretend I’m packing boxes. Supposedly the world is being kind to me and has opened a door to Bisbee Arizona. We shall see if that door can hold itself open for a while and stay true before I walk through it. I’m tired of the struggle for reals this is it. I’m moving from the Pacific Northwest, it makes me sad but my body felt 200% better in the high desert than in the valley. Who knew 🤔🤔
Anyhow stay tuned and stay in touch UK reduced price paintings due to shipping g costs and Free shipping to All UScustomers on unframed panels smaller than 36″×48″
Best wishes please stay tuned taking travel donations and painting sales all go towards moving expenses and bills.
If two birds sang the same song of love for just one moment would time stop and heal the wounds of the past and forgive the faults of mankind further failures. Does love transend time, space and the little bits in between? When we reach out to one another are you there? Can you feel my thoughts are with you.
I often wonder amongst the clouds whispering whishes of cool nights by the fire, sunsets that last until dawn.
I dream of warm rain…… The feel of the sun on my back as I paint the pain away a lifetime of times gone dark and silent in night sky.. Give me this one thing, I’ve carried hope for you all these centuries and my wings have grown tired. I yearn to dance with the flowers and sing with trees, such simple wishes are these.
