Catching up with time.

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I don't have much to say to be honest. I'm happy mostly. A bit lonely but thankfully I'm aware of this feeling. One thing I'd like to say is you'll have to pardon my absence. I'm finding that social media has a dark side that I need to take a break. I realized that none of the people that are in my life right now on a day to day basis cause me to be upset in anyway. Yay right πŸ€˜πŸ™πŸ˜‚ first time in a very long time. Recently I've been experiencing some very severe cellular level Fatigue and Parkinson's grade anxiety attacks. Not pretty stuff, often the kind of thing that people go to the hospital for. I've been keeping it to myself until now. So I looked at my life and realized that my only stress comes from some of the connection I've made and decision I've or kept for one reason or another online. Well no more zero tolerance for BS. For those of you who know how kind I really am in my heart, I know I'll hear from you DM or whatever. I'm only going to be posting maybe once a day idk. My real-life is very consuming. It's hard living with Parkinson's disease. I don't think people understand that well enough. It's really hard to go through cancer treatment and caregiver abuse,.then try to recover from all of that with seriously the most messed up people I've ever had the challenge of meeting. Trying to take everything from me. I'm tired. Worn-out and yeah.πŸ˜’ I just looked at the start of this post πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ apparently I did have alot to say.πŸ€” Oh and by the way I'm making my IG private for a while. I never came here to achieve anything other that to share my art and words. To express my story of Parkinson's and Cancer survival. Now back on point I realize that 99% of my grief and conflict in this life comes from my online connections. So I'm done with that. Please feel free to follow or not. I will be deleting I'm sure a ton of bot accounts following me and I'll be deleting anyone that I follow but doesn't follow me. Any how that was way more than intended. Going private on Sunday 5-12-2019. ✌️ I hope you all have a great day. Please feel free to reach out, I even have a phone like a real human. πŸ˜‚πŸ€–. Much love and light to all of you. Benjamin-2019 #myshakylife

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This life – Grief and it’s many sizes

As a hu-man there are times in this where one must weep, weep like one has never before. To purge the grief buried so deep I thought the rivers of tears would never cease. Today is a day like that. A day where I mourn the Lost of my family as though a terrible calamity had befell our family…. Oh that’s right, it had first came the death father . A night I will remember as clearly as I remember cutting my son’s umbilical cord the day he arrived. I looked into the soul of that child and apologized for cutting his tether. I remember clearly how panicked I was when my daughter first fell or how my heart swelled when she called me Dad, for I did not make my daughter but I loved her as my own. Still rivers of tears pour from my face . Red as Robin’s breast am I from hours of tears. I can not break these chains today. A pain only a father can feel when he has been abandoned by his family. I did not walk away I was asked to leave. Right or wrong I did what I was asked .

Then came my wife’s mother’s cancer. It was rare it was hard and mean. So was she , more so than even the cancer or I knew. Later I would come know just how much she despised me. Why I’ll never know. I gave up everything for my family willingly and freely. I was raised to be Dad. With honor, loyalty and pride.

Then came Parkinson’s disease and a drug called ropinerol. The two worst things I’ve ever experienced in my life. The ropinerol took away while the carbidopa/levadopa fueled a dopamine starved brain. My mind spun out of control and I couldn’t keep it together. I lost my family , I lost site of the goal when things changed . I lost my identity and in the path to find who I was going to be some how I lost my way and apparently my relationship with my now ex family wasn’t strong enough to last all of my days and all that came after. Since 2011 my life is literally a blur with giant blank spaces. Late 2016-2017 I don’t remember. It botherse me to no end for I lost so many friends during cancer treatment. I look at the pictures and weep as trickles of emotions seep in but no memories, nothing that sticks. Only pain, fear, numbness and more feelings of abandoned by almost everyone.

There is so much that needs be said and I’ve no one to say it to so I say here as I type this up to the tears that now have flower for hours today. Ohh man, grief is a funny thing when it hits you like a train. I have so many things to be thankful for in this life. Each day I wake in the hopes that I will someday find my way back to where my is home. To where once I feel safe and loved for it had been a long long time .

The end of something is always the start of another. May goodness and kindness follow you for all of your days

Benjamin

It is what it is.