**Be warned not all that enter will remain the same from wence they came..
It is in the darkest of these hours that I find strength in smallest of things. The simple warmth of my blanket and gentle crackle of the fire. Here is where the tears stop and start like waterfalls. Where I can let go of the dreams I used to have. It’s the only way I know how to make it.
These hands shake more than used to.This cancer has challeged me in ways I never imagined. Driven my friends and family from me, made me angry. It has tested my physical and emotional levels of pain and patience, tolerance and temperament past there limits of rebound without damage.
Today I am weak in heart, body, mind and spirit. **When a man loses everything besides the body he has been given and that too withers in front of his very eyes…. the sunsets have become so much more beautiful and with each dawns daybreak its rise more dismal. Yet alass each night I know the darkness of loss and grief I feel will match the darkness that stands before me, somewhere in time I must have broken a million mirrors.
It was through rose coloured glasses that we gazed as we stormed through life. A torrent of passion and pain draped in the finest of memories, cut from the cleanest cloth the fabric of time had to offer.
So Pure is the heart that desired love and recieves rejection time and again . Can’t you just see me for who I want be.?
Help me cast away these demons that bare my name from choice wrongfully made with the best of intent.
Do I look so evil that you’d erase my name from history so completely or that I should do same to you…..? Soft feathers fall from the sky as the morning sun drips over the hills,gently touching each piece of the night as she ushers it sleeply off to bed.. Slowly reclaiming the days as her own.
Oh dear mother nature and goddess bound to this earth what does this day bring with hopes heavy heart still not strong enough to beat upon its own canter. Will you punish or praise be punitive or pleasant in you gifts today.
Off …. off to the living again ….. Hear….me…sing…. Sad songs they sad so much..🎼
Thank you for tuning into the (my) morning download with me. B.
Hi, it’s nice to see you again . Won’t you please come in, it’s been a while since we’ve had a chance to sit and talk like this. Some music perhaps?https://youtu.be/_mVW8tgGY_w
Where should I start..I guess everthing really went to shit in June of last year but in hindsite pretty much all of 2016 sucked. As far as catching everyone up to the events I’ll be brief and detailed all at once. First a quick timeline to bring us both uo to relatively recent cancer stuff.
July 2016:Long term gf Ms.K and I have a very ugly and public break-up.
July and part of August 2016: I retreat to Portland and stay with some friends ultimately not being able to work things out with Ms.K
Im moving forward with life.I’ve moved back home (Rural house)and started dating Mrs.E her and I have a great thing going then in steps Ms.K this is where things get complicated. I admit probably not my best choice but PD makes planning and executive functions virtually non existent. I let Mrs.E know up front that K. Reached out,I didn’t expect it and I’ve unresolved feelings for Ms.K and i need to honor where those come from before or if I’m to continue with Mrs.E. Well as you can imagine this goes over NOT GOOD and meanwhile Ms.K is totally blowing me off, lol. Story of my life. Except this time I lost both the girls and a friend.
Now we come to the end of October.
October 31 2016: I have my family doctor look in detail at my throat. Not surprisingly to me we order a biopsy.
November 3rd: I go see Dr.D and he cuts a chunk of my neck out the size of a childs large marble and says “We’ll call you, soon.”
November 5 2016:
I’m diagnosed with inoperable squamous sarcomas cancer stage 3 Oraphangle cancer. Ive 2 tumors in my throat, a bad but not matastic lymph node and two tiny spots on my lungs. Phew try saying that 4 times quick.
After a brief announcement period and a ton of best wishes I find myself walking to the first day of Chemotherapy alone. This one simple act was to define my life for the next 10 weeks and possibly forever.
Today I start 1 of 30 sessions of Radition treatment. Then weekly infusions of a highly toxic and problematic chemotherapy drug called Cisplatin. Im later to find just how nauseous a human can get. 😡😯😷.
Fast forward time to:
January 25th. Im finishing up almost 10 weeks of treatment I’ve lost nearly 60# and have 2-3 degree radiation burns on the inside of my mouth an throat. Suprisingly I find the next 2 weeks even worse as the doctors all warned me about ,but you cant really explain what “worse” is after someone has just been through what I’d been through. But he was right the pain was out of control. All I can say is the worst strep throat I’d ever had compared not even in the same league.
So then we come to aftercare. Funny right where was the care in the first place you might ask. Who was there with you for hours of sickness? Who helowed you gain your strength back or stayed up with you all those worry filled nights.?? Nobody?? Well thats not true, my Aunt and my biological Mom came up to help on week 4 of 10. And Allison,Dena,Shelly,Jerry and Joey came over. Nobody was here each day besides my carer who took me to and from my treatments and the store, all of these people and more I’m indebted to. Some far more than others. While the majority of my “Friends” chose the much more passive support of Facebook to simply wish well. I suppose thats all well and good. It really did showed me to what extent my friendships hold deep. Some I though I had a much deeper bond with than I really do. Others I found to have a much deeper bond and respect for than I knew. So I guess in the sceme of lifes Karma all is a wash as they say. Though I have to admit I was suprised to find that whom I could count on was far more different than I would have anticipated.
I recently found out that my landlord isn’t going to be renewing my lease which has me in a bit of a panic. See being an adult with a progressive incurable disorder for me means any way I can help make my life more predictable the better, a lease for my home, auto bill pay. Auto deposit.Ect Anything I can do to keep my stress levels down as it is “Stress” and multitasking that are the two largest factors that contribute to a “Good Day” meaning functional in the ability to feed,bath,clothe and be responsible for my actions with a clear head. Or a “Bad Day” in which one or multple of the things mentioned previously I require help with. Right then it’s taken me three days just to get this far so I’m going to save real quick. Okay, so cancer life. The visual tumors are gone . I’ve been told that they hoped the cisplatin treatments killed the tiny spots on my lung and after my body has some time to heal, a total of 90 days after the treatments have stopped. I’m feeling like life has really been testing my everything. From my faith in my family and friends to my beliefs of what those titles mean and the behavior of those people should have and how much I’m willing to give as a friend right now. Some things happened during and after my treatment that really hurt my feelings. Yep as a grown ass man and it really really has made me rethink who,how and where going to share my life with. So yes basically with cancer nobody knows. I have my 1 month post treatment visit Feb 23rd. Anyhow I’m rambling so off to catnap time. I hope you know that you’re loved.
So we’ve all had those moments where as artists and thinkers we have been focusing so long that sometimes we forget to save our work. I’d like to blame PD but that would be unfair. I had originally done a very elegant piece on Valentine’s day and checking in with everyone on what the deal is with my cancer. Well I forget to save hit edit a few to many times and maybe the page back button. That I can blame in pd lol. So in short Happy Valentine’s day. Very unexciting about hallmark holiday for me this year. Cancer will take far to much energy than I have right now, in short I won’t know if I still have cancer at the cellulosic level until mid to late April. The fatigue from the Radition treatment is rediculous lol I thought Parkinson’s disease fatigue was bad. Nothing compared to this. We’re talking freaking lead body suit tired. 😧😥😵
I’m at another crossroads in my life, coming close to 50 in a few years and it bothers me a bit. The lack of security I have in my life with a progressive incurable neurological disorder. Anyhow it’s not the time to chat about life. I’m tired .
Much love and light. May all your dreams come true.