Letters to my son, 08012020

It seems we’ve come so far from where we were. Everything I had from our lives together has been taken from me in my lowest moments in life. I few pictures of you that I kept close no matter what. Do you know that I don’t even know if your alive, chemotherapy took so much away, I wish I knew where you are, why we don’t speak? You’re older now so I can only assume that whatever I’ve done that I can’t remember most have horrible and for that I beg of your mercy. I have some photos on my phone from when you where just 17-18 years old. Then nothing 😭 there is this void in time that exists for me. A place where cancer took the rest that Parkinson’s didn’t. It took .y friends and family, it took you and your sister and the lives we still could have had together. The relationship that you both deserved to have in your life. Your mother and I, our marriage wasn’t strong enough to weather my recent into madness , for two years I took the wrong meds while in diagnosis, the for 4 more I took an agonist that slowly and most surely destroyed my ability to choose or see right from wrong , stole my ability and forever changed my life. No longer being able to see and interpret facial expressions or decern tones of voice. Unable to sense my own facial muscles .. Or even the ability to FEEL inside .. Dopamine is a not a good thing for the human mind and body to run out of. All the explanation or excuses can’t make up for the lost time and changed lives . I realize this, but please know where you are and whatever you are doing, that you are loved cherished and missed with every breath I take. Find me , I love you and will forever look forward to seeing and knowing the what and why of the last 3 years?

With love, Your Dad, your father , your friend. Benjamin


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