Take it, it’s broken and I can’t fix any more

Good evening and welcome on Valentine’s day and I come to you I’m a very strange place.I’m using voice dictation on this and I’m trying to speak clearly but not loudly because it’s late. I need this to be said when I needs to be heard and understood. Something that maybe people want to live with Parkinson’s disease don’t know. It controls blood pressure emotions ,movement, taste, smell. Dopamine is the chemical that our brain and body use to deliver these messages. Everyone takes for granted every second nanosecond your body is telling everything to do something right. Mine doesn’t do that anymore and doesn’t feel right inside or out. I’m writing this tonight from a very dark place recently my said goodbye to two people that told me they loved me to told me that they would be there for me, they were wrong. I was wrong to have fallen for another heart. It’s funny to be me where I am now writing to you here. As I write this and three fiber of my being isn’t stage 7 stage 8 pain I can barely think straight. If it would do any difference I would cry I could throw up the pain is so bad. It’s not the pain of a broken bone or a broken heart . It’s an ache that doesn’t go away but starts in your bones across through your flesh turn to get you in mind and then it wraps around every fiber and squeezes. I am tired now it’s been 10 years and everything about this has been hard. I’ve had lovers but no one that loves me. And I have people that love me but even then with good reason a fearful to look me in the eye. Because at the end of the day there’s only one thing that happens with me. Parkinson’s disease will take my life it will slow my mind to the point where I don’t recognize you anymore it will take my legs acid has started to it’ll take my arms as it has started to take my mind as it has struggled to it is and will take over every physical capacity I have and it will take it from me. I have to say that that is scary and I don’t want to talk about it anymore because you know what I’m alone that’s right I’m sitting here right now by myself. So when we talk with loneliness and we talked about fear these are the depth in which I speak these are the realities that I face everyday ripped me to pieces every second of this life. The only way I know to make any of this any better is to try and tell a story to let somebody know what this is like I got to go I’m physically sick then I’m afraid I can’t tell you the fear what it’s like what you have lost everything that you love and how’s the world show me such a ugly faces I don’t know but I have any desire to do this for another 10 years and I certainly can’t do it alone I want anything you sit and watch me paint and bright and to live this nightmare.. I hope those are you watching I hope you learned something I have any of this was what something. Because for me this is literally a living nightmare good night I hope that you are happy.

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