Don’t judge.. Don’t think just read and imagine… It’s fun you’ll like it.

A reminder, grammar, spelling all options I chose not to employ at any given moment based on my desire to do so. Got it…. It’s a live thought stream blog not a slow censored thing. K? Cool. Proceed at your own risk lol

How would you react to someone telling you that you were going to watch as your muscles slowly atraphy all the while your tendons would start to bare the weight of your body and in doing so become so o we burdened that they too slowly began to calcify and become increasingly rigid and compressed making simple movements unbearably painful. Then of course we need to take into count all the other things that come with the scenario afore mentioned.

Like the foot drop or dystonic cramps that will invade any random number of muscle groups at any random moment in time for any reason and send stage 7-10 level pain throughout my central nerve system that leaks like liquid, electric fire down the facia between my muscles and skin. Nor does it tell the story of the piriformus and Lisa muscles constricting to the point that they have caused permanent sciatic nerve damage in both legs. Hip displacement in both hips horizontal and vertical tilt that’s completely unmanageable even with daily exercise and physical therapy. Gosh the list as I start writing at this later stage in my war against parkison’s disease has grown so long Im find I’ll have to cover in multiple posts.

Consider this next bit a pause in thought trains. As I can’t keep one mode going for to long these days. Just found out that I’m in stage two of the surgery process I’m waiting to hear back from my new neurologist on the upcoming tests and referrals more MRI and psychological tests to make sure that when they turn me into a robot I don’t go crazy and take over the world*giggles yes I’m joking because I’m scared shirtless about what’s coming. They’ve changed my meds to reveal the awe and shock fact that my PD has progressed a great deal since cancer ***Not even going to talk about how that factors into all this FML really. We’ll talk later about that. So yay back on track double deep brain stimulation surgery one electrode each hemisphere of my noodle then two power packs implants in either chest or back/sides . Anyhow I’ve totally lost track….. Oh yeah it’s from what I know a “be awake” process so OH FCK on that it takes two days in surgery mode then a month in hospital/home care . Then they time my robot and MAYBE, MAYBE. The process will allow to take less meds, have less side effects and less lives, kidney damage from said medications. Phew that was a mouthful. Okay right then , my head’s swimming, fingers cramping and minds wandering totally off to Neverland . I love guys it’s been along time since I’ve really come and just laid it out. Short version , I’m mostly alone with my thoughts and prayers in this life. I don’t go out much , I live in stage 7-8 pain. My balance is shot, my legs are getting ready to quit and my mind is slowly going. As many of you know my perception and cognitive changes have greatly effected my personal relationships in life. I simply don’t see or feel the same way as anyone anymore. At times I feel every pulse of every living thing everywhere and at times I emotionally literally feel Dead…. Nothing , nothing mentally and physically. So much of the surface of my skin perceives the sensation of touch differently now. * I’ll explain another time . Okay now that I’ve squirrelled out completely and publicly as usual lol. I’ve got to go.

Much love and light to you and yours. TBC. Always. Benjamin 2020

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