This life – Grief and it’s many sizes

As a hu-man there are times in this where one must weep, weep like one has never before. To purge the grief buried so deep I thought the rivers of tears would never cease. Today is a day like that. A day where I mourn the Lost of my family as though a terrible calamity had befell our family…. Oh that’s right, it had first came the death father . A night I will remember as clearly as I remember cutting my son’s umbilical cord the day he arrived. I looked into the soul of that child and apologized for cutting his tether. I remember clearly how panicked I was when my daughter first fell or how my heart swelled when she called me Dad, for I did not make my daughter but I loved her as my own. Still rivers of tears pour from my face . Red as Robin’s breast am I from hours of tears. I can not break these chains today. A pain only a father can feel when he has been abandoned by his family. I did not walk away I was asked to leave. Right or wrong I did what I was asked .

Then came my wife’s mother’s cancer. It was rare it was hard and mean. So was she , more so than even the cancer or I knew. Later I would come know just how much she despised me. Why I’ll never know. I gave up everything for my family willingly and freely. I was raised to be Dad. With honor, loyalty and pride.

Then came Parkinson’s disease and a drug called ropinerol. The two worst things I’ve ever experienced in my life. The ropinerol took away while the carbidopa/levadopa fueled a dopamine starved brain. My mind spun out of control and I couldn’t keep it together. I lost my family , I lost site of the goal when things changed . I lost my identity and in the path to find who I was going to be some how I lost my way and apparently my relationship with my now ex family wasn’t strong enough to last all of my days and all that came after. Since 2011 my life is literally a blur with giant blank spaces. Late 2016-2017 I don’t remember. It botherse me to no end for I lost so many friends during cancer treatment. I look at the pictures and weep as trickles of emotions seep in but no memories, nothing that sticks. Only pain, fear, numbness and more feelings of abandoned by almost everyone.

There is so much that needs be said and I’ve no one to say it to so I say here as I type this up to the tears that now have flower for hours today. Ohh man, grief is a funny thing when it hits you like a train. I have so many things to be thankful for in this life. Each day I wake in the hopes that I will someday find my way back to where my is home. To where once I feel safe and loved for it had been a long long time .

The end of something is always the start of another. May goodness and kindness follow you for all of your days

Benjamin

It is what it is.

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