I wish I could find the words to express how it feels to feel everything. To sense a person’s mood and sometimes hear the very thoughts they make loud as day. Simply by looking them amd sometimes when I’m not even close . It a burden I’m not sure I want to carry any more. Not only now does my mind vibrate but my body does as well. It kind feels like I’m God’s tuning fork. Though I admit I’m tired . I’m tired of trying and failing I’m tried of the loss and betrayals. I want simple chaos , mindful madness. I need to fill each day with as much beauty, love and kindness as can.

When I look at the world today all I see I people taring each other apart for one scrap of meat or one step up the Corp ladder. I have recently seen corporate greed at it’s finest. I had to hire good guys that were worse bad guys than the corporate bad guys to win. Now I’m paying the new good-bad guys to keep the other bad- bad guys away. So dumb and so hypocritical.

No,… I’ll be good and not name names because I now a life long relationship with my new found good-bad guys. If that makes any sense. Yes I used fire to fight fire and got burned. But not toasted like I would have been….. Still vague in know sorry.

Anyhow part of the reason I don’t feel happy anymore, I have to assume has a bit to do with Parkisons disease. Since dopamine is the bodies main source of “happy- juice”, autonomic functions,fluid movement, processing of the executive function ect,ect, yes Dopamine the thing that makes ALL OF US “Happy” my brain doesn’t make anymore…. So yeah go figure that one out.

How in the Ff I’m I supposed to cope with this. I feel these waves now. Waves of emotional chaos that come deep and hard it’s like the only thing left is tthr core of hope and love. The most gutteral and pure of emotions . Those I love, I love and crave I want all of the attention and those I dislike…. Very very few maybe one or two people alive that I truly despise and have not forgiven the depths to which I dislike them is visceral .

I wish-feel to much and to little at the same time 😔😞 I love to deeply, miss to deeply and hurt to deeply to continue with this path. Soon, as I’ve whispered I’m going to go away. Maybe I will write and Paint more maybe I won’t. I will however not continue to be taken advantage of by others . There has been to much pain and grief surrounding this Parkisons disease and cancer. Nobody has stayed to see it through which is fine, it is what it is. I love each of you for who you are. I see far more clearly now than I did before. Before I believed that everyone was good, that everyone had honest intentions as I do. Now at only 48 years young I’ve seen the worst of us humans women and men alike . Pure evil ,broken damaged, vile and bitter creatures . Users,takers and fakers. Is what I like to call them and yep they really are real.

There are people out there that are shit. Sadly for as many beautiful souls that I’ve met here and on Instagram or Twitter, Facebook and real life. For every nice person that I’ve met ,.I’ve met and had to literally evicted from my life 3-4 severely toxic people that really didn’t care what happened to me or not. My well being wasn’t, isn’t nor will be a true concern to that person. Idk what the point of all that was or is but it needs to come out of me and into somewhere else.

I’m tired of carrying these words and feeling around. At my age my friends are either, Dead, married and set in their ways or simply busy being productive humans. So I spend a lot of time alone in my heart and head, this stiff, shaking painful body. Soon I’ll be with the trees and the birds and the bees. Soon a camp fire nightly as it should be, star lit above bright nights and coyotes howling at the night. I have no more time to waste. No more life to give to those who would waste the precious little time I have left.

I’ve run out of things to say. I’m numb, Inside and out these days. For what it’s worth . I think those of you who made it all the way through that rant are pretty cool. I’m sorry that my mind isn’t calm and clear anymore.

B-2019

**I’m just tired of being always sick, always in pain always kinda confused always wondering what fucking day it is or why the next day is important. For instance… Scenario

Me: I have a very important appointment in Saturday 4th.

Me: it’s Saturday the 4th it feels like I’m supposed to do something…. This after counting the days down but giving them ZERO weight of importance. So, I’m aware of the the two separate pieces in: 4th and Saturday.. you following so far???

K well Parkisons disease makes it Impossible for me to put the two things together anymore. Hence making planning, execution and task management something I don’t do well. Anyhow ✌️🙏✨📿☕I need coffee. Mhlyh

Benjamin