As I lay in the dark and think of my life as movie I’ve watched over and over a thousand times. I wonder to what end is all this suffering. To what end do we stop causing all this chaos in our world. I have a reached a point of no return as I slowly reach for the Stars again. Sadly I should have to ask in this day and age my I please be happy again. May I please be forgiven my o please learn to forgive myself for the deeds of my life and forgive those for the deeds of theirs.
Finally freedom is born of suffering and loss. The learning that truly you do make your reality in this life. Unfortunately it takes a life time to learn how to master. A warm bed, a full stomach and the feeling of safety are in valuable. Unmeasurable by all standards. For me it is things of family I don’t not speak of any more. Mine has left me though I try in vain as I reach out to the vast emptiness in the ethers. Where are you my son, my daughter my old friend. Day dreams at dawn as I watch my world change. As a man who has had to go places in the darkness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy just to survive the night as cancer bore down upon me. Or as I woke from the nightmare that it was to what it is after the fight pauses to change form. I come home to this shaking shell of man. Breathes deeply….. As my mind races. These emotions of dreams, of wishes for a real life again a born again. Fearful for they have been chewed up and crushed to dust…. Life in it’s beautiful art of nature has taught me this. With that dust that my past has become I have been given the gift of choice. As I have been given the gift and burden of words, paint and deep emotional human connection I become the sculpture of this new begining. I require so little. A tiny house, a beautiful view, someone to love and hold onto as these days come pass. For they shall for all of us regardless of form, shape or size. It’s time for me to go know. I’m taking back my life. I’m going to paint the world the colours I see it. To the world as I knew it, I miss you I love you so much. But I am a better man I’m my heart and soul than I have ever been. I will never give up. Remember this should you ever find me again. Every day is a battle between who you are and what you want to be until you become comfortable with whom you are.
Day dreams at dawn.
“Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.” © 2012