Within these short harrowing years of life we share on this planet why do we spend so much of it ignorant to our true purpose here. Are we but drones born to be unaware of our purpose? I’ve been peeling back the layers of sadness, confusion and rage I have over the life I’ve lead. Delicately not spending to much time in each memory box
Just enough to get the fact that I’m tired, sad, physically and emotionally worn out. It’s hard to want one true thing back into your life once you’ve stated what your own personal version of what right looks like. I don’t know that anymore what I want as a man. I fear love and relationships now. Ive been burned to many times. My judgement is shot or never was good to begin with. I had been given the gift of a family, one of my own creation but it was not my gift to keep. I had the gift of success both professional and personal in business and in the Arts much to my surprise. Now as a man nearly the last or next phase of his physical life on Earth. What do I do with me. What is it that I want to wake up and see everyday. What I want I can’t have and don’t know how to find a again. I’m not sure I’ll ever allow myself to be open enough to receive that kind of joy again. I trust in God and the universe to point things out but at some point the simple human interpretation of those thought and how they manifest into my life I keep messing up.. Sadly in some ways I feel I’ve failed. Myself, my family, forefathers and grandmothers. Thanks for letting me talk. It’s a hard day for me Sundays often are. It’s they day my son and I used to meet. Also the dad of family and rest. Realistically I know all these stuff and things will get sorted I guess I just doubt my ability to contribute to the life stream in a positive way. My paintings are dark, my mood is dark. My body rages at me daily…… Okay.. snapping out of this bullshit mood I’m in is hard. To end in a positive note. I have a new caregiver starting so at least I’ll have someone in the real world to talk to and hang out with.. Someone with no prejudgment of me someone who can just hamdle me for who and what I am. And I know, I can see everyones eyes rolling in the back in your heads. Here we go again. Well to be honest I don’t know. I hope not. I don’t want anymore drama..All Ive wanted since my separation from my family is to paint and write. I just don’t seem to be capable of setting up myself in an environment to do so. 🤔
Okay I’m done.with words for a while back to my paint and music.
Work in progress.