I think i have no idea what to say anymore.

I think I need to grieve for the loss of you. I try so hard to forget these days. Do you know what it’s like to lose everything you’ve ever cared about?

It’s exhausting, life ending and will ruin you for life. It’s like losing everything and everyone you love in a car crash. They are just gone. An empty void sits where ,my kids , ex-wife-friends, lovers, and family memories sit. A huge emotional black hole that presses against my soul with the force of a thousand suns. I’m more than sad these days I’m sick with darkness down to the very pit of my soul. At this point the only thing keeping me here is my fear of going . We shall see how long the human soul can live in grief and loneliness before it becomes to much to bare.

I think I need to accept that I need to be sad for a while. I can’t just pop back from these things and pretend that I can just magically bare this weight. Cancer, then my last grandmother passing, straight into weird caregiver scenarios Arizona, Rural house closure, fake lovers welcoming me home. Makes me sick and tired.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to simply be loyal, work towards a goal and enjoy this time on Earth. I don’t have long and I just wanna paint and write, with any luck I can find an honest soul to share that journey with. I can’t do it alone and I’m not sure I wanna go to one of those homes to die. Or slowly wither away as it is with Parkisons disease. Deep sigh, sorry to spill my tears and blood here but I’ve nowhere else to go and nobody I’d care to share this with face to face. πŸ’” Don’t worry I’m not doing anything drastic as usual, not going to try and save the world or myself this time. I’ve no strength left to do so.

Much love and light.

Benjamin.

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4 thoughts on “I think i have no idea what to say anymore.

    • Thank you, I’m trying. Today hurts in every way possible. I’ve been in tears since I woke at 330Am it sucks. Though I know it’s part of healing and accepting the life I have and teaching me to not dwell on the life I want 😒

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      • I am sorry you have to go through so much pain but I you are still able to see light which is great!

        Remember freida kahlo?? You said you paint.. it reminded me of her.

        Pain pulls out your inner artist in a beautiful way. Telling you with experience.

        Hang in there.

        Like

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