I think I need to grieve for the loss of you. I try so hard to forget these days. Do you know what it’s like to lose everything you’ve ever cared about?

It’s exhausting, life ending and will ruin you for life. It’s like losing everything and everyone you love in a car crash. They are just gone. An empty void sits where ,my kids , ex-wife-friends, lovers, and family memories sit. A huge emotional black hole that presses against my soul with the force of a thousand suns. I’m more than sad these days I’m sick with darkness down to the very pit of my soul. At this point the only thing keeping me here is my fear of going . We shall see how long the human soul can live in grief and loneliness before it becomes to much to bare.

I think I need to accept that I need to be sad for a while. I can’t just pop back from these things and pretend that I can just magically bare this weight. Cancer, then my last grandmother passing, straight into weird caregiver scenarios Arizona, Rural house closure, fake lovers welcoming me home. Makes me sick and tired.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for people to simply be loyal, work towards a goal and enjoy this time on Earth. I don’t have long and I just wanna paint and write, with any luck I can find an honest soul to share that journey with. I can’t do it alone and I’m not sure I wanna go to one of those homes to die. Or slowly wither away as it is with Parkisons disease. Deep sigh, sorry to spill my tears and blood here but I’ve nowhere else to go and nobody I’d care to share this with face to face. 💔 Don’t worry I’m not doing anything drastic as usual, not going to try and save the world or myself this time. I’ve no strength left to do so.

Much love and light.

Benjamin.