I wonder if I will ever settle down again.? In my youth all I wanted was the family I never had. Then when I had it for 17 years I fucked it up. Well not entirely my fault but I’m certainly to blame in part. Once cut free from the life I wanted I was left with what I knew and that was art and writing. Having published my first piece in a local school district contest when I was 9 and having painted with my father since the age of 6 it felt natural and honestly the only thing I knew to do. My life, career and dreams of the future had all suddenly changed. Having Parkisons disease, little did I know at the time disorder had changed my ability to see or predict the outcome of a situation. Ie: A+B=C my brain had started only to see the A,B,C Not the connection of events or the outcome of each. This did not bode well socially as you can imagine. Slowly losing the ability to control my vocal influctions and breathing made talking hard. Coupled with a huge lack of quick response word find skills, especially during mentally and or emotionally charged situations. It pretty much has made communication with people hard as you can imagine.

So now what, I’m a single Dad who’s kids never talk to him. Honestly I’ve no idea why? It breaks my heart every day. I rent a room in a house, I’m very thankful for, but still not my own place. Hmm, Ive had PD for 9 years and I’m still recovering from the chemo and radiation treatment that literally zapped my head. 35 radition sessions. It sounds like a sob story but really it’s just the way stuff happened. For whatever reason I was destined to live this life, why I don’t know and I don’t really like it but I will do my best daily to not let it destroy me and the good that I feel I still have in my heart. These days though I admit I have a lot of hate and sadness in my heart for some people I used to care for a great deal. But in time I will forgive and forget them. I’m learning slowly that people will take everything you give. They will take without asking, they will take without regard and they will not be thankful in their actions. So now for the first time in my life I feel hesitant to let people in.

I’m a giant mirror because I’ve no self perception thanks to the PD and people don’t understand that. They don’t understand the things they see in me that they love or hate is mostly themselves and what they chose to manifest onto me to better their conclusion of self. I’m staggered by people’s ability to stuff each other into boxes because a person says or does something that offendse another unwillingly.. it’s not intelligent thinking to me. I know from experience that the world ebbs and flows. That good people do bad things and bad people do good things. We, you and I are not here to judge others. If you do not enjoy the presence of another human we used to be taught to just move on. These days I find we cling onto toxic connections for weird revengeful reasons. I truly don’t understand why people do intentially hurtful things outside moments of sheer chaos.

I was raised in a generation that quoted from Horton hatches an egg. By Dr.Suess. “I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent!”

In my youth, plan B, or side guy/girl wasn’t a thing. Idk, I’m tired, my brains hurt and my body is a wreck.

Topic switch lol stay with me here,, I’m starting to understand why the doctors say it’s hard to regain muscle with Parkison’s disease. I’ve been walking lots to try and regain some stamina and strength…. Yeah not working really I’m losing weight and getting chicken legs 😂😂😂 nobody wants chicken legs except chickens.

Anyhow, so now what, I don’t know but I’m hungry so, until another day. All my love always.*squirrels*

Benjamin