***** please be aware that this post spans a number of days, mindsets and emotions. Please know “I’m fine”
There is a tired that grips me so deeply only those on their death beds and those whom live with high levels of chronic pain, neurological disorders and or cancer treatment survivors know about. It’s at the same place where motivation and inspiration used to live. It’s the void of the chemicals that make up our emotions, a rollercoaster made of medicine and a blank rola-dex where my memories used to be. It’s a tired that makes my soul weak. Everyday I dance with a demon that relentlessly tries to steal my thoughts and arrest my movements. Tendons bound and Frozen in place like steel cables taunt, ridged, as I was walking on the bottom of a frozen ocean. Mean while constantly trying to remember what I was doing…
The was a gap in time during the process of writing this piece my words still come quick maybe quicker than ever before, though sadly they escape just as quickly. I’ve been spending long days in deep thought about what I want this life to look like. I hate having to consider the fact that I have Parkinson’s disease. It’s the first thing that people say when I wanna go on an adventure. What about your PD. I hate the fact that this disorder, this disease has taken huge parts of my freedoms away.
There is a quiet reflection in the air today as I sit and listen to sounds of the world around me. I wish so greatly to join them in their searches for new hopes and beginnings…..
Alass tis not my name to do so. My time is spent here on earth broken and discouraged. Having tried and failed a million times. Now with a body, mind that fail me I’m left in a state of panic that I’m forgetting or the fact I have no connection to anything anymore. Unfeathered and unteathered is never a kind state to be in. This wretched body and cursed heart. I miss knowing the answers of life for there was a time when the pictures were clear and the outcomes foreseen. Now all the edges are blurry. I know not of love or an assured heart. I find no calm in afternoon sun. Just a racing mind and body stiff and tired before it’s time. At times I feel my head and my heart could and have been eternal a old soul, so they say but this body, this process of living and dying has worn me thin and removed. I will finally end this 4,5 day thinking session with this. Please know that wherever you are and whatever you’re doing that too are loved and cherished, appreciated and missed.
To the friends and family I have left thank you for the love you have given in this lifetime. Bye for now…
Benjamin M Prewitt