Have you ever reached a point as an adult human where you don’t know what to do with your life.? All I ever wanted in life was to be a Dad, a husband. To have a “family” because growing up I never really had that dynamic. I saw my step moms family,lived with them and my “family” growing up for 5 years…. It seems like out of my lifetime of 48 years that I’d have more than a 5 year learning window of right is supposed to look and feel like. I kind of did, I was happily married for 17 years, then it ended and for the last 5 years I’ve been wandering…
Literally wandering around in life. Got cancer, beat that,lived through mini strokes and still at the end of the day have advancing Parkinson’s disease. I had one of the top 5 worst birthdays I’ve ever had good ole lucky number 48 and I don’t feel like I’ve have the strength to simply cut all ties and move to the mountain house. Though at this point there is literally nothing more than the hope my son and daughter will come around and decided to come back into my life. Keeping me here in Salem. Otherwise I’m sitting here in Salem doing one thing… Slowly dying surrounded by reminders of my failings as a husband, father and friend.
Here’s the catch, do I move out to a place where everything is new. Or do I stay in a living situation that is less than ideal but is familiar, but again not exactly the most healthy??.
That brings us back to the question at hand. As an adult have you ever been at a place in your life where you simply don’t know how to proceed. I’m not young , healthy or rich enough anymore to continue to mess stuff up really these days Parkisons disease makes it really hard at times. I don’t feel like I have the strength to continue to fail, this feeling of trying to continue to grow and thrive as I’ve been trying to live and be. I’m not sure I can continue. I’ve failed at every romantic encounter since my divorce, I’ve lost most of my friend base some I’m fine to see go and some I’m heartbroken to loss their closeness. Now here I sit and look at the day,. What to do with myself with the world as my oyster yet all I can see is a bleak desert.
I’m leaning towards giving up and taking a few years off social media. Going to the mountain house and just painting and gardening. Starting over in a new town with new people whom don’t have a prejudice against me for anything. Who knows.?
***random topic side thoughts
I started out here on WordPress in hopes of connecting with like minded people living with chronic illness. I started writing again started painting again here and sold my first “big sale” in years here. So it seems fitting that I come here for advice on what will be since the birth of my son and the choice to not fight my wife any longer the biggest choice of my life… Would you move and cut all ties. Start new or do I stay go through what will be a hellish fight to get my house back to normal. ** I can always tell when I’m truly deeply hitting my depression points in life, how? When people ask me what I’ve been up to lately and the only thing I can think of saying is”Passing the time”… I’m tired of trying to achieve these goals in life when I keep failing, honestly it makes it really hard to continue. I mean really what’s the point. Anyhow that’s my morning gush of emotional bullshit I’m trying to sort through these days. As I say to you all every day after sharing my heart online, either here or Instagram, praying, doing my morning stretching and meditation. Mayyou have the strength to e the best most true version of you possible. Know you are worthy of respect, honesty, loyalty and love. You are an amazing person just the way you are. Be safe and make good choices.
Benjamin M Prewitt 2018 June 2nd