Today I am thankful for being alive. I’m thankful for those whom I have the blessing to call friend, family. I’m thankful for the birthday wishes and I hope you all have an amazing day.


***Warning If you’re having a good day do not read further. Enjoy your day and know you are loved.

“These are not the droids you’re looking for.”

Today is my birthday:

1970~currently still kicking. 05/31/2018 šŸ™ one year cancer free.

There are so many ways I could try to explain the amount of feelings I’m have right now but mear words never will equate to the expression needed. The loss I feel is…………Makes the tears that run down my cheeks feel like fire. The panic so deep I wake gasping for air and reaching for a way out from this nightmare I’m in. Sheets soaked in tears and sweat from the night terrors that are ravaged with of what life can be like and what my life is……..

David Burns was right…. “Where is my beautiful wife,and how did I get here,” Again for more reasons and words than I can even remember on this simple Thursday has my heart felt more broken and forgotten about cherished by many loved by few and liked by fewer. All the lights have gone out of these old sails for the sea has grown bitter with rot and remove of misjudged deeds and misspent love. One day all I will be is a pain in your heart or a painting on your wall. That my friends is simply the truth of it.

I’m fine, really just reflecting on a life. I’m lucky I’ve lived a full-life, I’ve had a family with an amazing wife and two beautiful children. I’ve learned humility through loss, family, career, friends. I’ve traveled, I’ve survived throat cancer, chemo and radiation treatments daily for 10 weeks. 1 year later still recovering from the treatments but cancer free went from 225 lbs to 135 and less. But I’m back up to 155. Lbs. I’m thankful for the opportunities I’ve been given and worked for in this lifetime okay… I’m fine.. that’s my new matto. I’m going to try and just paint and write. Parkinson’s disease is doing its job I’m almost 10 years in and it’s kicking my ass. I’m fine….. Anyhow thanks for being here if you made it all the way through. A shaky, grumpy Benjamin.

4 thoughts on “Today

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