Depth of thought and emotion

I’m sitting here thinking about life and everything…… Since the beginning of my life. Oddly I remember stuff from before the time I’m supposed to remember. Things that happened before I was 3. There is no bigger fear than being cognisant that you are present in a body that can’t communicate correctly yet. The experiences good or bad have and would shape me, the choices and my actions for the rest of my life…. Weird how as we get older in life and as things happen to these bodies of ours and we lose the ability to be as clear thinking as we once we’re in our twenties.

Yet at the same time I’m finding that I see things much more transparently than I used to. As long as it doesn’t have anything to do with love. If love or passion is at foot my heart and heart are lost in a romantic dream of dreams… Yeah. It’s pretty dumb. I’m a hopeless romantic.

I’m learning to realize that I’m turning 48 in two days. 95% of the people that raised me are dead and or have died this month. I’ve shown signs of Parkisons disease since 2009 😟 so 9 years. *That’s a story for another day or two hundred. Survived cancer 🙏 was left with a whole new world of side effects,nerve damage and emotional/physical limitations that are new. I’m sorry I’m turning this into a pity party and fuck that. My heart is more sick from absence of my children in my life than anything else. Again a story for another day. I guess what I’m trying to express is how much pain both physically and emotionally/spiritual I feel right now. As a person who’s been highly empathic all his life, since birth really, to be stuck in a vortex of these type of emotions is hard. Having the realization that at 48 I have more checks in the “reasons not to date column than in the “reasons to date.”

That at 48 post cancer, I have let life kick my ass so hard these last two years that as I look back. I’m not sure I have the strength to get up any more. Not to say that I want to die, because that’s the last thing I want. I do want to wake up in a positive environment, I do want to wake up be appreciated for who I am and understood with compassion and patience.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life anymore. I want to move out to the mountain house yet I don’t have the financial support or the consistant medical support needed. Its a hellish paradox to be disabled with a disorder that stops me from doing what I want to do in life, took everything I had from me then leaves me with this useless fucking body and deteriorating mind I COULD SCREAM SO LOUD. Frustrating to want to live and feel and love. but feel so worthless and misunderstood, unwanted and feared,judged and sentenced before I’ve even figured what the fuck is going on in my life since cancer and PD kicked it.

That’s all I have for now, I’m tired and sick to my stomach.

B-2018

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