These days are difficult. I find myself missing someone who doesn’t miss me at all. It’s one of those self inflicted wounds I so often seem to give myself. When I love, I do so fully that I often lose sight of myself. I’m not one to give up, I’m often to willing to give my strength to lift my partner up and then when the relationship has trouble I get hurt because Im like why doesn’t this person see what I’ve given…? Truth being, I’m the one who gave, I’m the one who shouldn’t complain as I gave with expectation that this other person felt the same as I or assumed that they really did mean what they said. Though either my anxiety or their actions/behaviors ended destroying the companionship.
Now being at place in my life where my children have grown up and left my side. I’ve limited income do to the Cigna nightmare that is still ongoing and I’ve a seriously broken heart and soul largely in part of my anxiety and depression, abandonment and PTSD issues.. that have destroyed every relationship I’ve entered since my divorce.
I find myself questioning every goal,dream or choice I make these days never truly feeling that I’ve made the right choice, sadly that’s more do to my Agnosia and Parkinson’s disease than anything else and beyond my control. So what to do with this goofy bag of bones I’ve been left with after cancer and still thankfully alive but living with Parkinson’s disease.? I’m not sure. I’m mourning oddly hard this last failed relationships which I think is more do to the fact that the worst I get the more un worthy of human contact and affection I feel. The harder it is to stay in the mix so to say.
Do I dismiss the idea of having a lover or partner completely and just face the fact that that Parkinson’s really has taken everything from me? Sometimes I think probably yes because honestly and I say this very openly and honestly. I’ve shared it with my neuropsychologist so don’t freak out, I’M NOT SUICIDAL The reality is I’m being forced down a path in life that sucks so beyond any of the words I can find to express the gravity of the feelings. I don’t like living with Parkinson’s disease.
Sigh…… I didn’t start this post to be ranty or negative I’m just frustrated with people and life. It seems nobody has compassion or honesty anymore. People have “side guys and girls” as a nom and plan b just in case things don’t work out plans… Is it just me but isn’t that the opposite direction of a dedicated relationship from the very beginning? This last relationship ended in the most unexpected way ever and caught me so off-gaurd that I’m seriously considering just moving up to the mountain house and forgetting about everything I ever knew about or starting over somewhere else completely different. I don’t know what to do with the rest of this life. Be it 5 minutes more or 500 years I’m feeling lost, even my faith has been shaken to it’s core. I don’t know. Thanks for listening and no don’t worry I’m good, just tired and writing out this life and living with Parkinson’s disease. It’s ups and downs.
Much love and light. B-2018