Time and perception.

The day, today does it have a name? Could be Tuesday or Friday. To me they mean nothing a day is a day and night is night. I look on the calendar for bits of my life, today…. PT and dentist appointment. Again the name of the day means nothing to me anymore. Everyone and everything I used to hold dear to me has changed over the years giving these hands so few true and right things to hold dear and strong, to hold close and forever. (Sighs) forever… A word that should be stricken from our world. Nothing is forever. I was raised that if if I did certain things at certain times of my life that things would be different that life would be a certain way, I assumed foolishly that those things would be forever, my career, family,friends and retirement and in a row and nice little boxes. Than life came and took it all away. For last 5 years I’ve been struggling to put it all back together, a life that it took me a lifetime to grow and cultivate, a life it took a lifetime to understand and mature into taken away from me just as I became experienced enough to understand… I would have stood strong like a unmovable object for eternity given the chance, but I wasn’t given the chance. Forever is human concept of time that has no true relationship in this reality. Now I have found the balance I seek. A freedom from my demons, a freedom from your perception of what I was to become. I gave my all and it wasn’t good enough for you. I gave everything I knew to be right and it wasn’t good enough…. Think about that line… Let it rest on your tounge and settle into bones. Breath in the heartbreak that those words evoke. I wasn’t enough….

3-14-18

Today things went wrong and I don’t know why. Intrusive thoughts or social media issues behind the scenes IDK. Writing this as I sit in th park, sun warming my skin as I ponder why today, what about today was bad? Sleeping in, good. Breakfast good. Alone time then walk plenty of balance to the day. Then frustration from the unknown bubbles into this reality. Why, from ,whom or where. Life is weird when those around you don’t speak their minds clearly or in time. I myself am not to good at this either often thinking I’m understood when I’m not. Anyway life is good my heart is strong and future Bright. I refuse to let saddness, depression or anxiety ruin this day. I am enough, I am a good person who does good things 99.9%ofthe time. I’ve lived a life dedicated to the improvement of others**acts of service, being my love launguage. So know as the clouds come to the day and I’m outside in the world with no coat and the rain is coming I need to hobble home 😂😂😱😱😂😂 before it starts to rain…bummer no coat or umbrella… sometimes I make really bad choices.

Benjamin.

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