Morning words

The day starts at night for me or rather it’s dark,the city still half asleep as the brave and tired face the predawn darkness of the day. Some by sunrise will on their way home to sleepy beds of their own. Each morning around 4am this body starts to become rigid and stiff, tendons clicking over hips and shoulders fibers pulled to tight they strum like a guitar as I move from place to place. These days the sciatica has been relentless and bone pain in my jaw at times nearly unbareable yet there is no conclusion no plan of action for my recovery from this cancerous adventure. The treatment itself damaging everything in it’s path…

Though I sit and complain, I’m laughing at myself for doing because I’d far rather be alive and in pain than be dead or be alive and numb to life . I dare never again live life under pain pill coated glaze. I’m thankful eachday that I have here on Earth, I’m thankful for the life I had, my children, my family of past and present. I’m not saying it’s been easy, my Cigna insurance nightmare is still ongoing, I find now that it’s time to get a lawyer, sadly which just increase my stress, but who knows maybe they’ll be my super hero support team and save the day. At this point my home is getting packed up, slowly getting things sorted out as to what to give to my son so he can remember his father, what to ship to my brothers so they can remember theirs since I have pretty much all of our fathers stuff after he passed in 2007. Looking for a roommate but at the same time trying to decide if my life is going in the direction I’d like it to be going in. At times I still think about selling everything and just living of my federal disabilities income somewhere out in the middle of knowhere. Probably not the best idea but it sure does sound peaceful. Well I’ve made and had breakfast,cleaned the kitchen and done some laundry. Now it’s nap time. Sending much love and light out to you all. I’m forever in your debt. Some of you reading this are people who are helping pay my bills and literally keeping me alive ,safe and in my house while I battle Cigna,find a roommate or somehow gather the strength to pack, move and actually find another place.. which honestly isn’t going to happen because right now I’m barely handling my day to day functions of remembering to take my meds, eat and pay the meger amount of money I have to rent,the state and phone or wifi. So again to those feeding me, caregiver, ppl paying for my electric bill and water, THANK YOU.. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.

Always.

Benjamin. 2018 taking one day at a time.

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