These hands

These hands, this heart, soul, body and mind have grown tired. I’m torn between a body that fails me and a mind that flitters from each thought to the next without care or thought. I can’t see the ends of my choices as the Agnosia sets it’s course, my tendons tighten daily as I wait for yet another doctor to call about for another doctor to call another doctor, if you get where I’m going here. 

Now the left-hand side of my jaw won’t shut correctly and the doctors are looking into necrosis of the Jaw bone from the radiation treatment. One x-ray down and the bone on the left side is good, MRI next week just to make sure that the cancer hasn’t come back 🙏🙏🙏. My financial life is in ruin my personal life is simply indescribable right now. It’s either really good or really really bad so I stopped talking about it completely. I can’t handle the ups and downs of life anymore it seems, or better said I can’t handle emotionally or physically much more than the excitement of home with paying the Piper dearly for it later. The other day for the first time my Parkinson’s disease scared me, normally I power though my days we’ll enough but since this cancer treatment it’s been a struggle just to gain weight let alone try and have a life again, most of the friends I had are gone or dead, most of the family I had are gone away,passed or have lost their love for me completely.  

Please forgive me for my weakness, I know that I’m lucky to have lived and loved as much as I have in this life, but it should be known that nothing about this life is easy. The physical pain, mental health and cognitive behavioral changes, the depression and Anxiety not to mention the side effects of the medicine I take now every 2.5 hrs…. Yep.. 2.5 he’s not much time for sleep or food in those 2.5 hrs. 😂😂🤔☹ī¸. Well that all being said I leave you with thoughts of hope, hope that we all can find peace and joy in our lives here on Earth. Time is short, use it well .

Always Benjamin-2018


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