4am I find myself here again. Settling in for a long winters fire with WordPress. Its been almost a full year since cancer came a knocking on my door. Since everything drastically changed again. In light of certain events over the last year i can’t even begin to tell you how empty I feel. Part of it is the natural progression of Parkinson’s disease I’m told. As it continues to deminish the dopamine levels in my brain. One of the key ingredients to “feeling” happy. One of the key vehicles the body uses to lube the nerves so they can carry electrical impulses through out our human bodies.
Yeah it’s been a rough summer. I’m trying so desperately to not lose faith and hope in life. But when ones compass is off not by ones own doing it makes life very very hard. Having very little personal contact with people that build me up makes life even crappier at times. At others its really nice to have the solitude to escape to. Because if im being honest. The world and I do not run at the same pace. We don’t have much of the same dreams or desires. I want to paint and write, travel and live peacfully for the time i have left however long it may be. A minute or hundred more years. See with my flavor of Parkinsons disease emotional or physical stressers cause my symptoms to grow ten fold. Often for no reason at all i’ll suffer massive panick attacks where large amounts of ahdreniline are pumped through my body. Simply because my brain is being random or something happened to trigger it.
830p Anyhow I just got back from my dr at OHSU long day try to fix meds so I can feel the best I can now I’m basically taking meds every 2.5 hrs of the day and we had a pretty serious conversation about DBS which is a type of brain implant that helps keep my symptom spikes at bay. See this is the tricky part of young onset Parkinson’s disease patients we live longer usually than a person who is already 65-70 when they get PD. I was 39 when I started presenting physical symptoms now being 47 things are much worse lol than when this adventure started. On that note with a pending huge Cigna call tomorrow-long story I’m sure I’ll talk tomorrow on it. For tonight I’m done. My heart so sad, my body beyond fatigued and mind racing faster than I can type.
Good night and god bless.
Live your life well be honest, love and laugh hard. Forgive yourself as easily as you forgive others and always take time to smell the flowers and dance in the rain.