Hello…. Please excuse my absence from here as of late. To be honest I’ve almost feared coming here. For here is where i speak my truth most freely and openly.. I fear this days with such a heavy heart and broken body that i wpuld spill such emotion as to wash you all way. At times i fear my heart has grown bitter and angry. More gaurded than ever before. My passion for the Art and Writting hasn’t been more close to the surface since i was Dx for Parkinson’s disease back in 2009-2011.
These days i spend mostly alone my son is a typical teen is off doing life as he should though i miss him dearly. Slowly very slowly much to my surprise I’m healing from the cancer treatment. It’s weird to think all the damage done to my body and mind was all in an effort to kill cancer before it killed me. I was told we had ONE shot so i took it and got lucky. June 9th i go back in for my next clean scan. *note clean scan, i refuse to soend the rest of my life fighting cancer and living with PD. It truely is no life worth living. The pain, isolation and fear is to great for a heart full of passion as mine. I already fear that it as Parkinson’s disease did has irreversibly changed my life and directed me on a new path. Someday many be someday this life will feel at ease again.. Truly though i wonder if those day have come and gone. Im a cursed to life this life of an isolated painter and writter for the and of my days? Am i strong enough of spirit to do so with a heart now fearful of the one thing ive wanted all my life… To be loved by someone this the strength to stay….
Now i crave nothing these days, i feel numb literally and figuratively. I slowly am putting the plan together to leave my mark financially, Artistically and poetically on the world and then i will fade away to the local history books and library walls. It’s hard to picture a future whrn you know time is so limited. My left arm is failing faster than I’m even being seen by doctors. I failed my eyes closed and walking test at PT baseline the otherday. Very very disheartening.
I drag these body niw through this life of daily pain and fear. Fear of love, worry and back burning thoughts of cancer comimg back. Torturous intrusive thoughts plaguing my waking mind. Misfired muscles singles ending up as laten pain and fear. Twitches and freezing stop and go life in 3 hr time frames… It’s hard to do this. Far more hard than i know the words to express it. It is hard to be judged for my actions when I am not in full control, then to have that fact used against me as a means of dismissal is brutal. Heart breakingly so brutal to watch loved ones and friends for decades become strangers shearly because it’s easier than facing our own demons or watching a good friend die.
Anyhow see that’s why i haven’t been here. I’ve to much in my soul right now to come a spill. I feel i could write this story for a million hrs and still never finish.
Much love and light. Benjamin 2017. “A life in progress.”#myshakylife