Self preservation, i find it to be an interesting phenomena within our social structure. Same with religion and ignorance. I actually had someone say to me the other day as a reply to this statement. 

Me: I’m sorry you don’t have peace and balance in your life.

Other person.(offended) Well I’ll pray that you get a better relationship with god….

Me: ????? This conversation is over.!!💀

One thing I’ve learned thst i can’t tolerate and it is a short coming of mine but i have almost zero tolerence for ignorant people. Why because you cant reason with ignorance. Anyone who refuses to believe that there are other paths to the same destination and uses god or faith to hide behid like a shield is a to me an undeducated, unresearched narrow minded ingontant human who has all the tools at their disposal to become a true voice of god, pure love and faith but instead they choose to stay sheltered and judgmental of others. Wft that is exactly the opposite of what religion of every faith is against. So frustrating the Hiporcitical in faithfulness can be.

Okay enough of that rant. Im coming home soon wich will be bitter sweet. I miss my home and garden, my flowers and city. I don’t miss the isolation and constant reminder that I lead a failed life in Salem. Im so very ready for the rest of my life to begin. A time where I can focus on painting and writing. ( Spending actual real time with my son which hasn’t happened since my ex and i split 4 years ago). Advocating for PD again and hopefully traveling not under such emotionally turbulent times. After cancer and my first clean scan i really have decided in what kind of people i want to surround myself with. Cancer showed me who was actually going to show up when things got tough and to my suprise it wasnt the people id been friends with for 25-30 years. At first i was bitter and my feelings were super hurt. Now I’m thankful. Thankful that it’s black and white with who desreves the kind of love I have as a friend and person. 

Now as my last Nana fades away and i see people acting the way they are out of grief and denial. Everyone locking down in self-preservation mode. I’m reminded of the worst of humainty. How some houses open and some hearts close. Sadly I’m stuck in the middle witnessing it all from my point if view. A grandson raised like a son but not a son really to anyone. A birthmother whom i know as a friend. A step mom who i thought of as a mom. My aunt linda and uncle harry whom i lived with have already passed away. My dad and other grandma who raised  me are all gone. My brothers disappeared as soon as cancer showed up. One damn thing is for sure im ready for some tranquility in my life. Happy is all i want to be. I want those near me to be happy and i want my son and daughter to lead happy full lives. On my good days i even wish those who’ve done me the worst damage love. Idk. 

This whole experience has pretty much sucked as much as you can imagine visiting a dying relative could possibly suck. Im thankful I came,  I’m thankful for my blood ties. But this cancer recovering PD riddled dude is done. I guess this is me in my self preservation mode. I come here and speak my truth, my perception of this world and the behavior of of people as I see it. I try not to pass judgment but do understand that judgement is just another word for choice. Choice of how I want my life to feel and how I want to feel in my life. Just like everyone else I imagine. We come to conclusions about the people around us based on their passed and present behavior because that is what humans do and are. We are all broken robots until we find the pieces that make us whole again. Be it faith,family,flowers,followers or whatever.
Much love and light to to all and to those who don’t understand this life is an ever evolving experience I pray you learn to open your mind to the possibilty that you can learn new truths from the world as long as you keep a truly open heart and mind.

Namaste.
Benjamin
2017
“a life in progress.”