It’s funny how time changes ones perspective. Time and circumstance have a way of molding us into things without even knowing it. Often leaving us far away from our intended destination. I sit these days alone 90% of my time spinning in my heart and mind. Most of that do to Parkinson’s disease but some of simply because i can’t wrap my head around how much my life has changed and how completely far away from the life i wanted or had i am. I dont know sometimes i have to wonder why, big picture stuff. Ehy strip me of everthing that brings me joy? That lesson besides punishment is this. A life of finding and losing love and friendship a life of struggle and now Parkinson’s and cancer.
All i ever wanted was to be wanted and needed. To be loved for whi i was and supported in my dreams. In exchange i offered all of everthing i was , am and would be to the wrong people again and again. Its hard to be a giver and feel so deeply about many many things to pure ones heart and soul another human being like a human fill up station only to have them move on or forget. Idk I’m just doubting my everything these days. Im finding the hardest thing to handle with Parkinson’s disease is the cognitive impairment and focus issues. Science stuff: See that feeling you get when one makes a choice. Good, bad or indifferent your brain makes a special sauce and tosses it all over your sensors and you get this feeling of well being or that you’ve make a good choice. In the Parkinson’s brain those signals either dont exists or end up on the wrong part of the brain. In doing so they remove the feel of choice, they remove the abilty to plan, becuase a plan is simply a series of succeful choices strung together into a predefined ser of actions called….” a plan” ta da!!!!! Science!!!! Yeah well my doesnt do that very well. Matter of fact my last neuropsychology cognitive baseline study showed i had the ability to effectively process one thing at a time. Which sounds bad but is really more disabling than anything else. What was that movie “Failure to Launch” yeah that’s that’s kind of what Parkinson’s diseases like, yeah I have a ton of ideas everyday and I have good plans and things like that but putting them together is really impossible pretty much. Any how I’m just tired i miss the feeling completion and confidence of choice in my life. If you can imagine a soul who since a child has been aware of the things going on around him, feels things really deeply im finding compared to most people then give him a disorder that sends all those emotions to the wrong places… Sigh…… So tired.
2017 ~ A life in progress.