To many words to find the right one.

There is no silence in my head this evening. no calm parts to this forever conflicted body. such torturous triggers like weapons with feet they follow me each-day. i fight with a whole heart yet i come again here to for search silence… a calm familiar storm in my life storms that pass ever so not gracefully before your eyes.
These days of late have been coming fast and hard with very little rest for the soul. My mind ever since given the all clear has been racing.. combating feelings of lost time and misspent emotions. feelings of flying, rejoining my soul in flight but these days i cant even keep my feet grounded. my head i find so spinning 700 million thoughts and i cant catch but few and remember even less before the next wave begins. they come waves greens and blues, angry reds and white hot rage followed by the deepest deep of hollow man robot blues any rocket-man could ever feel.
I’ve searched today for the answers I’ve looked in the clouds and under rocks I ask my friend fish if he knew where they were he said nothing. typical bastard fish that he is. I asked my friend the tree and he said have patience but that’s what tress always say. the humming bird said fly high and grass just grew and waited for my feet to touch the round until i came here to finally find my docking moors…..
Cancer.. brings one of two things if you’re paying attention. one clarity the other is death. slowly as i breath here the air becomes familiar again, my heart slows and I’m aware I’m among friends for many years and with luck many years more. if i haven’t said it in a while I really hate having PD. Cancer I fear with my life and I will take no quarter with but PD i grow tired of its tricks and games. Parkinson’s is like jello from hell. it looks nice and calm…. manageable as we like to say the west instead of actually curing anything. This devils jello so calm, maybe even a tad peaceful now and again until it starts moving then you realize ever bit is moving and once you touch it like a pond it ripples until its done whether you want,need,like or hate it. there’s no choice or choosing no reeling fighting,I was told in diagnostic meeting the other day about my arm, the part about losing connection with it, numb lifeless feeling and literal disconnect is my PD. The searing electric fire that’s the neck\radiation damage carry over from cancer treatment. what is the point to this wild and fantastic tale of day….. Nothing really.. A practice in not going absolutely out of my mind as i sit solo day in and out slowly losing my ability to move, process or access much of anything but for more than a fleeting moment or two. its like being baptized as a baby except not being let being back up. everything is wiggly and distorted its hard to tell up from down distance from height and weight disjointed and confusing. Anyhow, i can feel the ground so know i leave. thank you for your love and kindness.
Always.
Benjamin~2017
A life in Progress

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “To many words to find the right one.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s