Here we are again in the wee hours of the morning. Silver screen in hand, fire slowly churning reminding me of youth and gentler times. Even now I look back at some the trials of my youth I think far less of those struggles than I do of the ones I tread now. As a child we fear no more or less than we have ever. Yet as adults our fears are based on losing the memories and abilty to create new ones. As a child we just react. Adrenaline pumping heart racing fear that sets our feet in flight. Point…..? None. Just an observation.

These early hours of day or late hours of the night depending on when one sleeps are the times my head is bombarded with thought. 7million 400 thousand 923 to be exact.. Lol. Idk I’m just kidding. Needless to say im thought-full. These days are so full of isolation, it’s new thing for me. I think the last time i felt this isolated was when i was 8. My step mom and dad got divorced after a whopping 5 maybe 6 years together. Thinking back im like hmmmm I was married for 17.  My dad was a great guy just not an active parent, he tried and he loved me that much I know and honestly thats what ultimately matters. Sorry random dad memories sneaking in. Isolation, 8, right….. My 2 brothers 1\2 I guess but that never seemed to matter. They boys went went with the mom i went with the dad and my experience of a traditional nuclear family was over. 5 years of semi-normal life. That ending was the beginning of a very strange time. I was a messed up kid thinking back on it. Raised to fear my birth mom. Then ripped away from my step to then live life as a latch-key kid with dad at 8. Walked to/from school alone, I’d actually been doing all my life since 1st grade. Times were different then.(not really-but we like to say so) then suddenly without warning he was gone, gone forever. …. The hours before my 37th birthday. 

As many before me, I never got to say good buy. I never got to tell him how much he effected my life. Gratefully in my life as an adult I did get to tell him I loved him, we did talk out some of our issues so atleast now that he has been gone almost 10 years I have some peace. Ohhhhh fck i just realized why I’m so emotional right now besides my p.e.t. scan coming this next Tuesday. Its April-May. My most HATED TIME OF THE YEAR!!!!! 

Oh how i can count the ways. Grandma Ruth dies in April( lady who raised me mostly)
Dad dies in May the day before my birthday, thanks dad !!!
My birthday 5/31

April 2014 I come home from a europe trip and my ex-wife asks me to move out..
Yeah so…… Im not a huge fan of April and May. I used to be, heck it’s beautiful here this time of year. But here we are again April 2017 thing suck eggs….. I’m here living in a place I love and don’t want to leave but by staying I deal daily with unpleasant memories of my recent past. My Parkinson’s disease is being all crazy and I might still have cancer. Until April 11th or shortly there after when I get the results back I won’t know anything.  Wow……. Deep breath hows that for a giant ball off stress being put into zeros and ones out onto the universe. Right then time to wrap up this gut spill mess I’ve made. Take time to tell the people you love that you do, even better show them with your actions that you love them. Thrse small and simple acts of love and kindness are what make all of us humans together strong. Its why and how the human soul can endure so much bullshit from this existence. Love, pure simple thick as humid air tangible to the touch and palatable in its kiss. Love. It creates blind hope where there is none. Give undeniable strength to those in need. So please this day and everyone after remember….. All this, this stuff, houses,cars, clothes and things mean absolutely zero if you’ve nobody to share them with. Trust me I know.  Anyhow now im exhausted, lol. Which is nothing new but I’m sure getting tired of it. Maybe ill just sleep through April and May this year. Ill do so in the name of cancer recovery 😉.

Over and out.
Benjamin.2017
“A life in progress.”