**warning it gets a bit raw in here today.
A small breath of fresh air came in the form of a date and task.
A purpose to call just my own. Grand effect,s yes, as many be effected but this gripping fear of the waiting is mine to own in the way a rock must feel as it leaves a childs hand, headed to a certain future yet still unforeseeable.
There is some solice in the end coming. A new chapter in so many,ways,shapes and forms. A future i still view as malleable as any I’ve ever dreamnt of. Though the healing is as painful as the cure.
The date gives such fear and creates such fire that races across the inside of my skull forming floods of flames behind my eyes burnimg my soul onto this page just so all call bare witness to process of living and dying,thriving with Parkinson’s disease and fighting cancer. All of which has ripped my life to pieces. Someday I’ll write in detail of what it was actually like to go through treatment. Locked into that mask for 8 weeks and poisoned with chemo. It was and is a living hell. So first i need to get posted 4-11-17 9:30am pst i will get injected with radioactive solution and stuffed inside a P.E.T. scan machine which at this point feel more like putting a loaded revolver to my head and playing roulette. I either have or do not have cancer still. No middle ground. More treatment and putting life on hold or a new life that focuses on healing my heart and soul instead of trying to relive or recreate the past. A future based on me being the man and person i was intended to be and less of what other think i should be. Thanks for tears, fears and jests of this post. When fear grips me the worst, here i can always find peace in the silnce behind my invisible typewriter…..
B.2017 “A life in progress.”