2 day left ~ gathering strength

Here we are at the the second to last day of my treatments. The last two radiation therapy of this experience. A person I used to know once told me that cancers journey is very person and everyones experience is different . Now having lived through the experience I understand better than ever how true thy statement was.! Nobody can prepare you for this type of life experience. They tell you it’s going to get “bad” or “hard” words like “tough” are used. Sadly non of which prepare one for the very person journey of cancer. Yesterday I crossed a threshold of pain and fatigue. I had my first negative experience at my speech pathologist and then my 3rd to last treatment where I feel asleep on the table. Anyhow non of that is really important in the scheme of things. For me the hardest part is and has been these last few days. I’m not sure if it’s bc I can see the finish line and I’m letting my guard don a little and excepting how I actually feel. Most likely it’s simply a combination of the treatment and the overall weight of this experience have finally caught up with me. I’m 156 lbs and I’ve been living on protein shakes and broth for two weeks. My pain level in my throat spikes at 9-10 yes I know that’s extreme but I can’t tell how many times I’ve thought about just admitting myself to the hospital to finish this process. Honestly I’m not trying to be negative but people need to understand that just because I’ve been able to keep mostly a mentally positive approach to this experience of cancer but I have to admit it is and has been the most painful ,lonely and miserable experience I’ve ever had. Life changing to be honest. Well folks it’s shower time and get ready for this next to last treatment. Time to put on my game face and stare death in the face and say fuck you. Not now.

Much love and light.
Benjamin 2017
A life in progress

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7 thoughts on “2 day left ~ gathering strength

  1. Hey Benjamin. You are being very brave and truthful. I hate the way people who are ill are expected to ‘put on a brave face’ all the time. Sometimes you just need to say ‘yes, I’m in a lot of pain thanks and I want it to stop’. I hope you are having a better day today, kate xx

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