Thoughts…

As I sit here tonight and slowly let myself relax .. In other words let myself mentally wrap my head around what the day today and reality has been like for the last month. I must say I’m exhausted. The radiation is starting to make my brain really really fuzzy and it feels like if I’m not on constant vigil against the nausea then I’d wretch non stop all day. Because I am into the stage of my treatments that the 3rd degree radiation burns are extensive in my throat with a pain scale:8-9. I’ve decided to go ahead and manage my pain with a touch of the Fentanyl patch. A moral decision,choice,I had been privately struggling to make.

I’m categorically against this class of drug. I’ve experienced issues with opiates in my life and lost my best mate and his fiancé to heroin and suicide. So when I say I’m against this drug… I am. But lol there’s always a but…. In this case though highly effective for treating my cancer and my Parkinson’s central nervous system pain, not to mention making both a bit more less stressful my cannabis regiment unfortunately doesn’t handle the pain caused by the level of damage done to my throat on a cellular level. Basically swallowing glass durning the worst case of strep throat I could ever imagine doesn’t even come close to describing how painful this is. So Fentanyl patch it is. I’m starting at the lowest does available and wear one patch for three days. The hope and thinking behind this for me is simple. 1. I don’t want to go through another 3 weeks of stage 8-9 pain.. 2. Currently I can still physically swallow, the only thing besides motivation keeping me from eating through this whole bloody mess of cancer is the pain so I figure if take the pain factor out with some luck I’ll eat through this. Plus I could be wrong but I’m pretty sure a lovely plate of slow roasted winter veggies followed by a dessert of creme Carmel and salted chocolate is far better for me holistically than “Boost” or “Ensure” though both come in a lovely flavor option of brown or white chalk. Lol. Nutritious yes, probably… Tasty.. Not so much.

Tonight I have to admit I’m reaching out, just to reach out. Chemo was hard today it’s the one process that makes me nervous in this whole thing. Cisplatin is really really toxic shit. Anyhow it’s hard to write longish meaningful things write now, as honestly inside my head things are moving at 5 billion miles an hour, I’m writing and working through painting ideas in my head faster than I can get them out or even begin to express. It’s been becoming more and more difficult to type due my Parkinson’s. Pre-cancer when the words started to fall from the sky I could mostly catch enough of them to create a frame of my thoughts then return after the flood and get things sorted. But these days I’m finding it hard to get my phone out,open and not correcting auto correct before the words have become so loud and so many that for self preservation I let it, them, become static and absorb back into the universe.

Tomorrow is the last treatment day of my fourth week of treatment. Sadly though no more three day weekends. Treatment is in full “Beast mode” m-f all January. With that said my friends I’m going to pretend that the steroid and Cisplatin cocktail I had today isn’t and doesn’t cause the demon of insomnia to come out and ask me to dance all night long. Unfortunately one of the very common almost expected side effects of this particular treatment is insomnia the evening of the treatment. Really I suppose I could add another this or that to make me sleep but Parkinson’s brain says no, no, no. No more stuff to think about lol. Enough is enough. On that… I’m out.
Much love and light.
B~2017

“A life in progress.”

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