This madness

I can’t write, or paint or even think straight. Every second  is consumed with this ragging fire in my throat. My right ear has started to become effected by the radiation and constantly feels like it’s full of sharp marbles. Half of my throat is cooking literally lol. Oh the madness of it all. I find myself slipping into this isolation and pain. It really is all consuming. I’m trying to stay positive but week two here we come . Session 5-9/30 radiation therapy and 2/6 cisplatin therapy. I must say that the treatment feels far worse than disease. Though the short term untreated  disease wins in less than a year so a good fight is in order yes? I sure a hell think so. I’ve set my sights on a quiet little cabin by the sea,Lake or bay. Enough room to paint and receive a guest and I’m good. That or I move over seas. There are times when to many ghost walk the same streets as I . I find the pain of memories to much to bare. I’d rather live looking  forward than backwards these days. Sorry if that sounds to depressing but from my point of view not much of anything has gone fight since my DX of pd back in 2011. Granted I’ve done many amazing things and met amazing people but none of it has ended very well. It’s like I know what I want but keeping it in my life seems to be proving very hard. Cancer has made me stop. Literally everything,  I don’t feel like writing or painting.  I’m kind of in hermit mode. Like an animal that’s been seriously wounded.  I’ve run of to hide and heal. Any how. Much love love to all of you. I hope wherever you are and whatever you’re doing know that you’re loved, always. 

Benjamin. 2016.                   “A life in progress”

18 thoughts on “This madness

  1. Oh. Man! I am at a loss of words. I don’t believe anyone knows or realizes what these treatments do to you physically and mentally….unless they have really experienced it for themselves. I have communicated with enough people who have and live with one that did chemo…..I know what’s happening and am here holding my breath and praying for comfort. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Darling you are a wounded animal right now. Give yourself time to go into your cave and lick your wounds and rest… take as good care of your spirit as your body and call on everyone who ever said they could help you. You are in my thoughts, if only i were closer but alas… xxxx linda

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You got this and be who you are, feel what you need to block out all the negative and the positive will have room to shine.Let the love of God always be in you and ask for healing prayers and hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hope it has calmed down some what and the pain has reduced. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels like the cure is worse than the illness, but if there is any comfort it may be that at least the pain and suffering you are going through is to make you better rather than due to the effects of the illness. I wish you wellness Benjamin :0)

    Liked by 2 people

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