*Started Saturday night. As I sit here tonight just an evening or two before the life as I’ve come to know changes forever.
I’m gazing at the stars searching for normal, desperately searching for the familiar. I find for once in my life there is no normal for me to grasp, no history or experience of my own to find strength in, just advice and kind words from those who do know.
I’ve come to almost trust the the not knowing. I’m learning to get used to letting things wash through and over me. Ingesting these feelings, learning to control the fear of this unknown circumstance. My life has guided me here so perfectly I dare not fail to pay attention. I’ve lost to much to be here alive with you today to not have a purpose. To not have a greater calling to paint and write. To do my best to uplift others through paint and words.
*sunday morning:continued 3:15am i cant sleep. I think of tonight and the things I’ll need to do. Laundry,dishes,sweep,vacuum, mop floors. All in the name of cancer. ..Sigh im not sure if my more scared or resolved at this point. Ive given up on most ppl. I figure the ones who’ve made their presence known have done so and the rest is going to be up to me. Its funny how real life or death situations bring out the true true of humans. Some ppl are natural carers, as was I when I wasnt greedily focusing on not dying. Other people are empty vessels, takers. Now at this time in my life I’ve cut all the fat so to speak out of my life. If i didnt like you before or was ever on the fence about any of my social and personal relationships. Well thise situations and people are not longer worries or concerns. I pretty much did my best to patch,repair and apologize for any actions me and PD caused over the last few years. Now im clear of conscious and ready to fight the good fight. If i lose I’ve said most of my goodbyes and good riddance.There are a few ppl I’d like to spend more time with but I’ve come to a unique place in my life. One that i think an experience like this can give you. New start comes close to explaining it.When I’m done dealing with the unforseen cancer attack. I think I’m done with Salem. Maybe I’ll move back to Portland maybe I’ll magically find a tiny place to rent 8 month out of year and then travel the rest of my time.See when cancer is done I get to come home to advancing Parkinson’s disease. So yeah. Its not just the cancer I’m dealing with and planning for.
I’ve already had a conversation with a dear friend asking him to handle my financials for me and i’ll find a another carer to help with my more personal care needs when not traveling.Though that feels a litttle wierd to be at a point where im admitting that there are parts of my life I’ve lost the ability to manage.
Overall I’ve reached a resolve in between my fits of panic and anger. Going through something like this is life changing beyond measure so i do apologize if im a little grumpy or freaked out along the way. Ill try to be on my best behavior. I haven’t decided if I’m going to leave to heal after cancer or if I’ll stay in Oregon. I’ve had some interesting ideas presented to me in regards to my after care program goes so tba on that.
Well its time to crawl back down the rabbit hole and sleep for a while.
Much love and light, please remember to always. “Be brave, be bold and thrive in the life you have.”