Small things~Journal style.

Small things lay at my feet as step through life.
Small things that turn huge if not handled correctly.
Cancer is one of those things. Parkinsons to me is nothing. Love is not a small thing obviously I would imagine we all would agree. Then why if love is such a huge thing to humans do we run from its power and magnetism. We deny ourselves half of the human emotions we feel bc we think it the right thing to do then we sit and wallow in our misery and wonder what’s wrong. I’ll tell whats wrong is half of our lives we spend dreaming of things that we are to afraid of doing . Well no more I’m so tired of trusting, loving, putting faith and expectations upon the world and having them dashed upon the rocks because someone else loses faith. I can’t control nor can I worry about it. I can’t make a person love me, nor my son call return a txt like he’s not 17 lol and full of teenaged boy stuff. So I’m learning to be what I call cold hearted but I guess the rest of the world calls it self centered. It’s not easy because being a very sensitive empath I feel way to much and all I want to do is gain acceptance through service big life moment right there. But it’s true. I digress

It’s funny but for those who know me , I mean really know me. Truly see the irony in this point of my life. Me: goofy .emotional,host,counsel,very social, flamboyant even. Now…. I haven’t even used my human voice today besides to take a video. I’ve no daily companion nor weekly companionship. I see nobody, I rarely go out. I’m isolated and lonely and for those who know me know that this,
This life right here will kill me quicker than cancer lol. Fuck cancer. I’ll take my Parkinsons and hit the road lol. Today I find frustrating. I’ve a lot to do and zero energy. My pain level has been spiking at 7-8 and well I’m kinda grumpy. Tomorrow is also kind of a big day. End of life planning day. Woot 🌊🌊🌊 yeah not so stoked about that, but really honestly as it is to talk about it needs to be done. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy is dangerous stuff and there isn’t any sure fire way to say that I’m strong enough physically to handle it. Mentally no problem, my mind has already been through living hell. I’ve faced physical death before it is what it is. But the destruction of the body is a very painful process and to get the cancer they have to destroy a ton of healthy tissue in a very sensitive part of my neck. So yeah tough day. Sore body preparing mentally for tomorrow paperwork, emergency lists,contacts. Then Tuesday…the day that kind of maybe changes everything. Pet scan. If the pet come back with just the cancer we expect then treatment will commence as mentioned in previous posts. If it comes back with more cancer in more places.. I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Sit being honest with myself here as well. Sorry you have to hear these things (remember my safe place)
I’m surprised today though usually I’ve a lot of anxiety and today has been mellow. Mostly just managing the pain keeps me occupied lol. Any how thanks for the chat. What’s the opinion of a YouTube channel.? I already have one but I think I’d like to start doing video blogs. The typing with Parkinson’s is getting hard and the videos would keep my hands free. Now after cancer I might not have much of voice so being able to use a button mic might help that. Well I’m going to try and do one thing today. Th dishes 😱😱😱
I hope you all know how much you mean to me. Truly some many of you are lights in the darkness of my life I don’t honestly know if I’d made it this far without you.

Always.
Benjamin.

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6 thoughts on “Small things~Journal style.

  1. Introspection is helpful but not if the only thing you remember from your life is pain. Seriously consider your days now, my friend, dwell on the good things you have done and go out into the nature. It is so much better than a hospital bed. My own life is limited and I will not reach my full span but I have refused any more treatment because enough is enough. Each day that comes along is gilded with an enjoyment that yes, here is another day which is so precious, just to meditate on the beauty of raindrops is a comfort. Death is just a portal so we can go and rest for a while. Anger is a wasted fuel that eats up compassion. Our time span on this earth is already written. If your heart is open, and I think it is, you have achieved the greatest thing already.

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  2. Hi Benjamin
    Hope all goes well with the paperwork tomorrow and the scan on Tuesday. I know you are basically in ‘limbo’ until you get the results. The dishes can wait, there are always dishes to wash. Rest and take your meds and try to relax (I know that’s really difficult). I wish you a good sleep xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Ben, told you I’d be over. (This is Puppy Stan not Jean, just in case you’re wondering.)
    PET Scan, that sounds like you’re going to the vet like I have to. Well I hope everything goes well and don’t be lonely. Look into a dog’s eyes and you’ll see love.

    Liked by 1 person

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