Pretty easy to say not always easy to hear the answers. But honestly I’m not here today to talk cancer or Parkinsons directly. I’m here to just talk about life. I’m really missing the human connection today. I was invited out to lunch today by a friend and that was awesome so I got some human time but of course the topics were cancer and thankfully traveling. Though it did make me miss the days where Parkinsons and rocky romance was the biggest issue of the day lol. I’d take twitchy and heart broken over chemo and radiation therapy any day… Grrrr C and P sneaking into the convo…
Restarting, Hi today I walked a lot and thought very deep thoughts on life and what it means to me to be alive here now as a biological machine full of broken bits and vital pieces doing strange things. I thought of these things this way as a means of isolation from the moment. Giving myself the separation from anxiety of cancer and Parkinsons. See now we can say those words and it’s okay. Having the freedom to observe this self as I really am is horrific but needed. I’m struggling through this day by day and the really heavy part hadn’t even happened yet lol. My throat hurts so bad today. And here I am finishing typing this post and just pondering how we even as a race survive. Each human has such an amazing story to tell. As I walked around my town looking these strangers in the eyes thinking none of these people have any..zero idea what I’m going through,the biggest fight of my life…..Then I thought … I…I don’t know what any of their stories are either.. Honestly at that point I realized it was time to walk home. I’d like to say I’m ready for this next chapter in my life but I don’t think we ever really are. I think that’s part of the reason we go through these things in our lives is to teach and prepare us for the next wave of life for lack of a better term. The stages in life never change they become more ambiguous as we get older they become less marked in time, first grade, Jr. High, college. All bookmarks in time. Chapters in our lives that communally we recognize as similar and relative as a shared life marker. When you get out into the less traditionally time measured life factors , buys car,house, first big kid paycheck, first big kid car crash, death in the family, kids start to come or for some they come first then comes the stuff and “home ” not house, there’s a difference. Here I am at this strange place so completely crossroads. I’m trying to find my warriors stance, my emotional footing to fight this huge battle with cancer all do I can go back to Parkinson’s disease. I’m still going to be or feel single, alone I’m still going to need carers and I’m still to be me. The strangest part of today’s thoughts were simple where do you keep the parts of you , ones self that they don’t want ruined by life. Lol. I refuse to give up. I’m not going to let cancer kill me now and I’m not going to lay down for Parkinson’s disease. So the universe and I really talked today about my place in it. I know I need to paint and write. But I don’t think I’m going to do it from here much longer. Ever since my Dx with Parkinson’s I’ve viewed my idea as shorter which for all practical purposes it was , is. Then divorce,lose of family,house,kids ect… The stories are the same no matter what the words. Life comes and does what life does it changes stuff around. Gives you that final exam when you thought it was mid terms ya know. Cancer changes you whether you want or expect it to or not. It’s made me reevaluate every aspect of my life. Sorry..sigh… Again it’s hard, communicating. I process through my verbal centers very strongly and spending these days so much time along has made it really hard to communicate effectively at least in my head things sound off lol.
Sorry to have lost track there. Moral of the story. Be true to yourself, cancer has shown me that time really is short and that life as we, you and I people can be taken back from you or it can make you literally fight to simply have the right to one more breath. Think about that shit right there. I’m no longer chasing the dream of kids,house,car,job. I’m chasing the dream that I’ll get to open my eyes one more day and breathe. So yeah, gf’s and normal this and that 1.5 cars and cat/dog it’s really all trivial. This soul. Me: Benjamin michael Prewitt I require two things to thrive in this life. I need soulful connection to someone for it to be anything and I need contact human to human touches. There have been multiple studies done on babies that lacked human embrace as a child or young adult and its a tangible results in statistics humans need companionship. Any how I guess my feelings of loneliness isn’t done yet. I wish all that are reading this please take the reigns of your life. Guide your choices correctly towards the happiness you seek and you shall find it. ***hate it when forget to hit post.
Okay good morning,night and afternoon.’ It’s now Saturday 5a and it’s time to clean,paint,watch cartoons, write a will you know stuff to do lol.
Much love and light.
A life in progress.