First I want to say that this is my safe place. I have young onset Parkinson’s disease and now as of 11/5/2016 I have stage 3/4 throat cancer. So please if I offend in any way please remember this is My safe place.
Hello and thanks for being here today it means more than these black and white words could ever express…. Or maybe not. As of late I’ve been learning and thinking about disappointment. Disappointment in myself in others around me and the world in general. I’ve let myself down.. A thing I think 542 million times a day. I let you down I feel and think that 70022 million times a day. You disappointed me… I feel that more than I’d like to. It’s weird because in my life prior to illness I never remember feeling these things so often. Here’s the thing though when your young, healthy it’s nearly impossible, impossible even for the most empathic humans I’ve met to understand what it’s like to not have a choice but to depend on the behavior hopefully positive behaviors of another human being. Especially if you’ve any sort of emotional connection with them. Sigh……. Deep breath…
To begin to explain that type of dissapointment for me is next to impossible at this point.. It’s empty, guttural, nauseating in the depths of your stomach or the panic flutter of your heart just before a near miss car-crash. I’m finding now that cancer has really tightened its grip on my Parkinson’s…. Yes my PD not me. 😢 😢 😢 I refuse to believe that this cancer will kill me. If I don’t, simply I’m a dead man… But the stress of cancer the isolation and fear from cancer, it causes myself and those around me as well. See, I know this isn’t easy to watch. Lol. Sorry 🙏 but I can’t imagine how hard it is to watch another human being go through this. I sadly don’t have the energy to explore much of anything these days even online ppl. So I’m not sure how everyone is doing.
I’m losing focus so I’ll wrap this up, dissapointment it’s a beast of an emotion. I’m struggling to come to terms with if it comes from expectation or the need my need to be more exact. My need or expectation from the people I have in my life and what do you do when the people you thought would be there are not. I’m stuck and since I process verbally and have so few tangible humans to speak to with my human voice I come here to my safe space and search for answers in the ether of space and time.
Much love to all of you. May the world be kind to you and you to it.. Closing note it’s okay to be weak, just not me not now I’m literally fighting for my life. I’m done believing in people when their actions start speaking louder than their words.
“a life in progress”