How to say what you need to say when you don’t know how.

Hi, I’m not really sure how to start this , but, I suppose the title might suggest that 😜 so….today was a….interesting. It seems the further down this path I go the more intense it is. Today I learned about chemotherapy and radiation therapy, what to expect and the side effects of each. I also learned the real percent of survival and some pretty heavy shit to be honest. In the following few paragraphs I’ll try to explain things without to much emotion.”just the facts ma’am.

Right then here we go…. Once upon a time…wait, wrong story..rewind. So Hi. Today I learned that there is a 50-70 but likely 50/50 chance of a 5 year survival rate. But the historical data on this cancer/radiation therapy has been highly successful.
I learned that with radiation therapy there is a very good chance that there will be permanent tissue damage to the (my) throat and a chance that during the course of the treatment that I’ll lose the ability to swallow and need to have a feeding tube or bag however that works these days. All I can think of right now is a momma bird feeding a baby bird and I’m not sure if it makes me giggle or wanna throw up. πŸ˜•πŸ˜•πŸ˜• *warning real medical video

O…..M…G… Seriously don’t watch this video. 😷😷😷
Wow now I’m totally thrown off. Okay then back to the real deal shit here. I can expect to lose around 25 lbs/11.33 kg which will put me down to 140lbs/64kg that kinda scares me, I’m not feeling very healthy at 165lbs/74kg so idk I guess I’ll play it by ear right? My appetite currently isn’t very good.
I’m really trying to stay positive in my head which is pretty fucking tough because I’m really body aware. I always have been. I was lucky enough to start taking Aikido at very young age in turn I became very body,mind and spiritually aware also.**Theres a funny story about why I learned Aikido so young in the first place but that’s for another time.
On that a positive note I’ll Segway #plugsegway lol. Really wtf would a guy with Parkinson’s disease do with a Segway lol. Oh I crack me up . Anyhow on a positive note, there’s only a 50% to 30% chance that this bitch of cancer will kick my ass before I kick its. Which is not gonna happen btw.
More good news most likely I won’t lose my hair, which is cool because I’m totally vain. Sorry not sorry, I like to look and feel attractive in mind, body and spirit. My PET scan was approved by the insurance company which I guess is a good thing because apparently that can be an issue. I was denied my MRI requests twice. But insurance companies are for profit businesses it’s not cost effect to give me an mri on the 50/50 I didn’t have cancer but now it’s prudent to find out if I do anywhere else so they can cost evaluate my value lol. Sorry that was very negative energy, I have been very very lucky and thankful to have dealt with some actual humans that haven’t been completely Jaded by their profession. I.e. The social workers that deny claims without merit because it’s easier than actually looking at each claim because they are so overwhelmed with requests for aid and 60% of the people that are requesting that aid are fraudulent system abusers. Sorry to rant but ppl that milk the shit out of the system really fuck it up for ppl like me that actually are sick. Ps don’t use this hashtag in RL someone will prolly punch my nose lol .πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ€“#babymomnawhitetrashmotherfuckingbabymakinmalewhoremothetfuckers bam!!!! Throwing shit down … My head hurts. Sorry for the rant. I’m still a little pissed off about having cancer.
So the big most HUGE positive thing for today is one of my favorite ppl on this rock a friend/co-blogger/Instagram person and breast cancer warrior/survivor helped me through the after visit freak out fest and helped me remember my new manta. “Parkinson’s is chronicCancer, is curable” that is the kind of stuff I need to remember. Heads up buttercup. I can do this!!!!

So lets see hat what pretty much my day. Oh wait I did force feed myself three huge soft shell tacos and made myself eat chips (tortilla) not the like potatoe kind. I finished a piece of art. And yeah that’s it. I’m literally more emotionally overdrawn than I’ve ever experienced Sans the time my father died the day before my 37th birthday. That still has me fucked up. But this cancer thing is like my fear of fears. My grandmother Ruth passed from Lymphoma and I saw what that’s like and no fucking thank you. Seriously no way I’m not going to do that. Sorry totally random intrusive thoughts here . I’m really really tired soI’m gonna go sleeping time now… Goodnight gorilla,😘😘😘

I’ll see all you amazing ppl tomorrow until then.
Be brave,be bold and thrive in the life you have.” You never know when it’s going to change and it will.

Much love and light.
B.
2016.

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9 thoughts on “How to say what you need to say when you don’t know how.

    • Charlotte hello, so good to see you. Thank you, yes it hs been fast and sudden here with the news. Im sorry your friend had to experience this as well. It hs been a pleasure watching your carrer and voice blossom. You inspire me.

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  1. I have recently been through the radiotherapy treatment. I didnt know was not told it causes permanent tissue damage. I made it through okay and it only got really tough toward the end. Good to have a rant and rave as its a scary emotiinal journey and you need to expres. Wishing you power and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

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