‘Twas the night before…..

Twas the night before chemo and all through the house
not a creature was stirring not even a mouse.
the calandars dated and checked up with stars
the schedules filled and thougt of with care
so we would sleep and the day woulg appear
soon…
i could here them say chemo is coming…..
lol. There’s my attempt at cancer humor after a freaking hard day. Showed up to OHSU bright an early ready to kick Parkinson’s ass. Had PT first with,…..we’ll call him Steve. lol  Steve is a bit timid for me, I like my pros to be kind of well ass kickers, and well his not. Not that Steve doesn’t constantly surprise me with his genius obvs OHSU doesn’t hire complete idiots. So Steve, pt today. Balance test, bike riding and walking all basic shit but…… I have Parkinson’s disease so my brain is rapidly forgetting how to move grrrrrrrrrrrr. Stupid PD. 

Then after a joville hr with Steve I go to see….. Blondie lol, who is well, has my full attention. 😄 we cried and laughed and talked assistive technology, more laugh and tears, cancer talks, PD talks and how the cancer treatments are and could effect my PD….. Note the slow and steady switch of topics…… Pulled a fast one …. So I go to Transitions my neuropsychologist. As I lovingly call my shrink. Basically she’s awesome. She doesn’t pull any punches , tells me straight up that I’m not looking at all the options on things , also validates a ton of my emotions around cancer and Parkinson’s disease. Apparently it is pretty rare to have both cancer and PD, hmmm, who knew. Today was tough bc we talked about the fear of dying and the fear of living and going through the process of chemo and radiation which apparently can also kill me. Thanks for being real doc, #realtalk. So after far less tears than I expected she taught me some coping methods to dealing with the very real waves of sheer terror and panic that come with the dx of cancer. Especially when it’s not a simple snip and clip, bad boy, don’t get so much sun kind of cancer. This is the deep inside sorry we can’t cut you open and get kind of holy fml this shits real I might die kind of cancer lol. Phew …so yeah , for good or bad my stories and life always seem to have a but,and,or,so,to them. So if the ct scan is 100%correct and the cancer is localized in my neck and not the surrounding lymphatic system then even at stage 3 this cance can be successfully treated 85% of the time in stage 2 and hopefully as well in stage 3. Dr wouldn’t tell me what his fancy book really said about stage 3. I’m sure bc he knows I’m a freaking stable train wreck. But if it’s treatable them we are going to fight the fuck out this because I seriously don’t want to die right now. 

Some sad things where talked bout today. End of life stuff…. Things that as a loving dad and semi responsible member of society needs to put in order before things like oh….. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy..or climbing Mt.Everrest, driving a race car or running with Bulls. Ya know just that are smart to do because I really do love everyone I’ve met. Sure maybe I don’t want to hangout with everybody lol but, I love’m and wish only blessing and love for all of you. Today, I learned that my desire to be or have a companion around me is normal and not co-dependent, love the fact my shrink thinks that term is shit and that humans are social creatures by nature and it’s totally and completely fucking normal for me to feel completey displaced and isolated by going through this virtually alone. Or physically alone and virtually supported is more like it lol. But like I said to hear that I’m not a totally weak spirited puss was nice. Right then, tomorrow is the big day. Time to have a very mellow 😑😑😑😑 night at home.

As always Be Brave ,Be Bold and Thrive in the life you have.©2012
and its okay to be scared, just dont live in scared for to long because there is no reason to suffer twice. all my love.
Benjamin.
“a life in progress.”

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15 thoughts on “‘Twas the night before…..

  1. Friggin right on again…you are! I am so happy you have an awesome psych doc! That has been the hardest part of this journey for my husband…..and I know everyone that experiences these diagnosis’ don’t believe anyone else can understand, but there really are many of us that do….sounds like you have a good team, just wish you had an advocate to go along

    Liked by 2 people

    • It’s so seriously good to hear that you get it, and yes an actual advocate or someone close enough to know the difference between a good day and a bad day would be a huge help. But I’m thankful for the help and friends I have.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Hey you ☺ thanks.. 17:50 here and well it wasn’t a great day. A very honest fact finding kind of day. I’m trying just now to get my head around it. Probably wire about it shortly. Thanks again for seriously years of support and kindness.. You’ve seen me through a lot of stuff. So truly thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. NOBODY blogging his way through cancer, chemo and PD could *ever* be considered a woos! So tell that bully who lives in your head that he seriously needs to step down (or at least one person in your virtual community will knock him down!) 🙂

    Your shrink is 100% right about the need for community, btw. I have been doing a lot of reading for an ongoing Series on “The Loneliness Epidemic” (as a few science nerds are calling it). They are finding out that we seem to be “hard-wired” for community. There are a whole lot of nasty things – mental *and* physical – that happen when we isolate (even death).

    “Codependent” is an overused label that has sold a lot of books. Don’t sling it at yourself. Take any outstretched hand with gratitude, and don’t be stoic! You’re going through some tough times. Be as nice to yourself as you would be to anyone else going through the same thing, okay?

    Sending love and healing your way. Good luck tomorrow and remember to breathe
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to transform a world!”

    Like

    • Thank you. Seriously. You said something here that really speaks to me. Something I’m handling with my Shrink, be as nice to myself as I would anyone else in the same situation. I have a habit of subconsciously and consciously pushing ppl away from me in situations of extreme emotion and loss. So I’m really trying to do both realize that my temperament is a reaction to my situation and that I need to treat those closest to me and myself with extra kindness because this is going to be really hard.. *Dr. update later as soon as I can put the day into terms that I can handle expressing to the open public. Again thank you for your insight and input keep it coming I love the communication.
      Benjamin.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Listen to your shrink! Anyone who agrees with me has got to be brilliant. 🙂

        And don’t forget that the most important one of those people closest to you who need some extra kindness is YOU.

        Chemo-brain is like the brain-fog of ADD on steroids – or so I’ve been told by a few friends who’ve had to work through both. You wouldn’t expect yourself to be running a marathon with the flu, would you?
        xx,
        mgh

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My mom used to say that exact same thing: chemo brain. when she was going through treatment and have forgetful moments. Remember Isaiah chp 40: v’s 28-31 my good friend

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What amazes most about you, is your unrelenting ability to express how you are feeling. I believe that you will remain sane through this journey with that ability. Again I see a good support system, just allow these people to be there for you. None of us want to ask for help, and we don’t always want to wear out feelings on our shoulder, but truly know this is so rampant that there are few people that have not been touched where directly or indirectly. Big hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. The only other comment to this post I have, is I understand people referring to chemo brain, but I am not sure they understand how PD works on your brain, and especially at night. I do. In the healing and fighting process of cancer, sleep is so important, it’s healing time. Please tell me you have help with that other than pharmaceuticals.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sleeping time. I actully dont use any pharma for sleep and my pain meds were down to 1 5/325 percocet a day for maintence of my central nerve pain assoc with PD. Im back up to like 1.5 a day after the biospy but mostly im a cannibis dude. Had a couple drinks after the C dx but thsts it 🙂

      Like

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