Those who know my silliness will giggle at this tittle. I find it interesting that here I am just past the eve of my diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease sitting alone on the sofa digesting the fact that I’ve cancer… Squema sarcoma of the tonsils and mid throat. They say it’s localized thus far but I’ve yet to have my PET scan so thruth be told we don’t know. But I’m trying to stay positive though I must admit life has really kicked the shit out of me since my dx with Parkinson’s. Granted for many different reasons some not entirely in my control a lemon snickets of sorts. Bad choice upon bad luck and timing. Have lead me here to a land of my own devices. They say that if you leave your demons unchecked long enough they will become you and you them. Often I wonder if that besides giving life to my beautiful son is not the reason I’m here this last and final time. My fears that have infested this being since its birth. Fears of being left, being alone , of being forgotten and scared. Feeling of doubt and worry mixed with the fact that I’ve been conscious in the shell since before I had words to express it, has been a living hell. My teen years spent so terrified that my thoughts could be heard in every laungage so much unbridled passion and yearning to be understood to be treasured and loved, accepted for the ever evolving human I was and am.
Breathe ……. These words flow like the liquid river of free form thoughts that they are, I struggle to time, to talk click and phrase as fast as the words fall from the sky but I can only catch so…. Many…… At once…….. Breathe ……… Oh my dear lord in heaven forgive my sins of a man,this man ,your soldier since birth. Given wings as a child and sword as a man and wings by death,cursed to never feel whole…. These written words of love and joy,hope, fears and promise of medicine science,faith and the fear of dying….. So many words to describe this process of life and death….
Long pause while I make dinner…..
I’m going to post his as it is for what it is. Mistakes and rambles alike. I can’t write or speak in a voice any more true than the one in my head and heart. So for today, tonight my table for one is set as I dine yet again in my solace of heart watching ass kicking Chinese fighting films lol.
Cheers and much love I’m starving.
Always. Be brave be bold and thrive in the life you have.