Wordy words.. 

I can you see.. Sitting there watching as walls come crashing down. Long After the thorn of crowns has fallen to the wayside and the carnies have packed up for the winter.

 I will not give in!!  Not this time,  nor ever!  For if nothing,  is this life not the challenge of a life time?  And by the grace of God’s good will,  I will not go down with out one hell of a fight…!!!

He says with tears of loneliness and fear running down the soon to be hollowed cheeks of a marked man. I thought I’d made progress in life, grown up even, learned to explore and express myself and root of my fears and insecurity. 

I have, my biggest fear is dying unloved and alone. I admit that I’m co-dependant and I don’t care. I like sharing my life with a companion more than living it alone. So what. Don’t judge. 

So here now that life has let me accept my fears and insecurity what does it do but test me.  I’ve no lover, no companion or close shoulder to cry on.  No other breathing to rest next to or wake to with a smile. 

I have advancing Parkinson’s disease and newly diagnosed with throat cancer and I’m scared shitless. There, that’s how I feel today, right now at 1701pm pst. 

Parkinson’s reports:

Pain:7
Stiffness: 7
Rigidity: 7
Slow: 6
Tremor: 5 /7 at full extention.
Throat is about 1/2 swollen shut from the biopsy site. I declined pain meds from the surgeon because I figured it would be okay…. Why I thought getting a pencil eraser sized chunk cut off the inside of my throat wouldn’t hurt like shit lol. So needless to say I called for more pain meds hopefully on Monday they’ll have it for me. The thing that scares me most is everyone is like. Okay get your cancer team together….. And I’m like ummmmm, I have a part time caregiver that barely gets enough hours to handle my basic Parkinson’s care needs. What cancer team lol. My stuffies. “hello Dr. This is Mr. sock monkey and fish. 😂😂😂😂😢😢😢😢😢😢 okay enough pity party.

 Life will go on without the Mariannes, Katelyn and Erikas of the world. I’m not sure what life is doing here for me I’ll be fighting to see as many tomorrows as possible but life, living, that’s what is happening right now.I’m angry with the ones who’ve left me behind but I’m sure in my life that could be said selfsame to me. 😢😣😢 this life is not fair,  nor kind or understanding…. That is what we are supposed to do for each other less we shall simply fail as a race completely. Human compassion and kindness is so often born of want and need instead of caring and the burden it causes one’s own heart to see others in pain. 

We shall see where this life ends. 

B. 11.05.2016

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3 thoughts on “Wordy words.. 

  1. Have as big a “pity party” as you want Benjamin! you know what in your place I’d be screaming from the bloody rooftops about the crap that’s piling up….I’ve complained enough with what I have already.
    I wish I could be there in person to help and I know someone on the other side of the atlantic is not much support when things hit the fan but you know where I am to talk if you want to. You have people around you, not as close as you would wish but they’ve helped you before.
    Love and light to you dear man xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love that picture of you it reminds me of the sweetest most loving child in the universe..don’t understand how anyone could not want to hold you in their arms forever and love you completely.Amen

    Liked by 1 person

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