Into what light….. 

Into what light does this darkness harken from? Craving its release from this horrific dream of surrealistic waking terror. 

I see no light,  no soft pillow to call my own.  For I’ve forsaken them and they I. Driven mad by one disease and ravaged by another. Does this heart not deserve better?  Has the monster I’ve become clipped my angels wings and left bare the stumps of truth for all to witness as the fallen beast begs for God’s forgiveness. 

Shame upon your house for looking into the eyes of death and not shedding a tear. Not a whispered hug or gracious glance. Love to one is not love to all but just a fleeting glimpse of what never really was and yet exististed in time for a time when all stood still in the mornings light of trellised vines and red brick of clay. Childrens chalk and riverfront walks… It could have been so much more. But alass this mass a growth of small size has the power over every thought in my head as this swollen throat dare grasp for each breath. Soon the science and poison will start. The sign read BEWARE. RADIOACTIVE. and I’ll swallow their pills as I do know and I’ll fight and cry, bleed and vomit this vile creature from my soul and just maybe if God grant me the strength there will be a body to return to when this experience is done. 

The end…. 

Benjamin. 2016.~05.11.2016

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12 thoughts on “Into what light….. 

  1. When I share these fears those who read my work remind me to remain positive. My mass was too small to biopsy. I know a good thing. My original surgeon wanted to wait and let it grow so they can do radiation.

    My fear was my disgust and I feel this way still. This foreign thing is growing inside me. It may not be big enough to cause harm but it’s there and it is intimidating. But I vow and you should too. I will not let it win. A positive mind is a great combat. 💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I admire your honesty but your state of mind must try to look towards a positive outlook to hope for a good outcome. It is easier to say this than to do this. I am not sure I would tolerate the treatment but who knows what one will do when push comes to shove?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello Benjamin.
    So sorry about your health problems added to the rest of the other things you are trying to get through.
    People say look to the positive, but you have to feel the blackness first I think and work your way up to positive thinking.
    You’ve only just found out about the cancer, so you haven’t had enough time to take it in and absorb it.
    This is compounded by the fact that you are in a lot of pain and not sleeping. Once you start your painkillers, you may feel a bit better and maybe able to get some quality sleep, then you can start towards positivity
    I don’t pray, but I do wish you wellness.
    Take Care, Kate

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your a smart person Kate, thank you. I’ve increased my pain meds, slept like a baby. Apologied to a few ppl for losing my cookies and well I’m ready to see what’s next. Like you said it’s to soon to know much besides the size and location. Next comes types, and treatments.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Benjamin, you are allowed to get angry and rage against the world now and again. If you didn’t you’d implode! You can’t do ‘positivity’ 100% of the time, it’s not normal. We are emotional animals who get scared, angry, spiteful, bitter and twisted now and again. It doesn’t mean we are bad people. All the other qualities we have balance that out. So wail away and get it out of your system you’ll feel better for it. Also WordPress is a ‘safe’ way of venting. I’m glad you have your meds and have slept well. Deep breath and one step forward, Kate x

        Liked by 1 person

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