I’m done pretending.  I’m sooooooo done pretending that I’m okay with any of this fucked up life😥😥😥

I’m tired of people being distant bc they don’t how to deal with the fact that I have Parkinson’s and it’s changed me, my brain, my lifestyle. Don’t judge this is fucking hard TO DO ALONE.  

And now the fact that Ive this cancer bull shit to think about,  I’m done. A very dear friend of mine who isn’t a dear friend of mine anymore because of how I handled a private situation once said to me” Benjamin, you may need to expect that a “normal” relationship isnt something you can have anymore. 

I think she was right.  I keep on investing the very limited time I have left on this rock on people that either  are so broken that I’m their anchor, which is a joke,  or I’m investing my time and emotions into ppl that don’t really give a shit about me.. Soo.. Yeah… 

The result of those choices has left me alone the night before my surgery and with a  caregiver the day of. No family, no loved ones to come home to.  This is not the life I want. Some of you may be thinking but Benjamin it’s just a biopsy or ppl are alone all the time. Well my answer to that is good for them  bolly to those fucking ppl. They are not me. 

So there it is.  I’m fucking, tired of believing in people who don’t believe in me.  I’m going to have this biopsy. Figure out whether or not it’s cancer.  Then probably make some really serious life choices. My son will be 18 in July and he’s already shown that he doesn’t need his daddy any more. Seems nobody else does either. 

 So I bid you adieu. I’ll post results when they’re in. And a word to those of you having ambiguous relationships be careful.  There are actual emotions attached to that human. Even if you cant see them all the time. 
Peace I’m out. Of time and patience. 


4 thoughts on “Pretending 

  1. I was reading your post and all you are going through. I know how are it is. Let me tell you having family around trying to make you comfortable telling you about their lives, complaining about shit that don’t matter. I want them to shut the fuck up. The woman I live with is a drunk. Last time I had a mass removed I came home and she went to the bar. When she returns she’s drunk and wants to take care of me when I’m ring to sleep. My sister, her husband and my daughters took me in for my surgery. They looked at me with so much pity I rather they not be there. I was in the hospital 3 days and not one visit or call. My brother picKed me up and dropped me off with the drunk. Well the cancer is back and they are going to cut it out on 11/9. My girlfriend will take me for the surgery she’s lready complaining about Carrington the things I will need during my stay. I told everyone else not to come. They can visit if they want but I don’t need them waiting for me to get out of surgery. Just wanted you to see the other side. Oh I have lupus and several lung conditions. I’m hold on by a string. I wish you well in your fight to live. Keep a positive attitude.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your time and support it really good to hear from someone who has lived it. Truly thank you. I’ve no real family here me the Parkinson’s and my awesome (not) desicion making skill have chased off most the rest. So this next chapter looks interesting to say the least. Many blessings to you and yours. Hang in there.


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