* First because I know a handful of people who just in seeing this title will freak out. I’m fine I’m not depressed (lie) but I’m not suicidal (truth). I love life.
Now, truth be told I don’t love my life very much. Honestly folks think about it. I’ve lost my kids, spouse, career, cognitive ability to clearly perceive situations, I live in 5-7pain daily and that doesn’t even cover the mind fuck of having a disease that they can’t cure.
Depression, insomnia, panic attacks complete loss of self worth perpetuated by bad relationships. Damn it’s been a fucking hard 5 years. Yes it’s only been 5 long miserable years lol it’s almost my anniversary 11-07-11 the magical day my poor neurologist had to look a young guy who’d just turned 41 that he has a incurable neurological disorder. Bummer for him at the time, for me no big deal. Lol. I had nooooo idea of the train wreck that was waiting for me. Since then life has been one big Rollercoaster ride. The hardest thing to tell at this point because I haven’t had anyone who is very stable in my life it’s gotten to the point where I’ve started to question my ability to even make hard choices. Which is apparently normal for PWP who knew lol. Not I. Thankfully my new medical team at OHSU is very blunt. My neuro, first day talks openly about end of life planning and dementia associated with Parkinson’s disease. My physio guy cuts to the chase and say dude, we panic when ppl receive a 19-(risk of falls and injury to self and others) out of 25 on their walk/balance test. I sadly got a 16 which turned PT into a balancing act shit show lol of me learning how to walk again. (long story)
So then I head to Occupational therapy and she says we’re all about maintaining what I have strength and cognitively and providing assisistive devices that will make my end of life planning more comfortable.
At this point in life I’m like wtf, my ex is creeping trying to decide if she wants to come back or not. Breaking my fucking heart again and my PD is getting worse which makes me even more afraid of being alone in life. I’ve been trying to make all these desicions to make myself happy like everyone tells me that I should. So of I’m doing what I should, why am I so fucking miserable. Idk life sure is funny. In a not funny hahaha kind of way sometimes. Anyway today is Monday(found out it’s Tuesday – oops) I think the first of November 2016 and its gonna be a great day, why, because today has never happened before silly. Didn’t we talk about that already. Done typing and staring at my phone. Time to interact with the real world.
Much love to all.
Benjamin. 2016 “A life in progress.”
PS. Thanks for listening I’d no intent on having a Parkinson’s dump this morning but I guess I needed to. 😕