Eachday we are given the gift of choice. We are given the opportunity to wake and say “I will!“ and “I won’t.” to create our lives as we see fit. Yet as we travel through this life we pick up from our experience things such as fear or love, hope and dreams. We are taught and told as children to laugh and feel, to love, talk, dream and explore…….
Then life happens, disconnect, the abuse, bullies, body shaming and conflict that exist in every culture and the everyday human experience. Most of us grow up and lose site of our dreams and goals of true happiness. The pure ones we had as children, the dreams unbridled by the weight of doubt or fear of failure. I wish to God that I could get back to that place of freedom. Freedom from judgment, freedom of the feeling of failure and disappointment.
In some small way I have to admit that I have found that place though. I found it and lost it a few times in this life. So I guess the point is to never lose hope and love in your hearts. Life ebbs and flows in ways and reasons that people far more wise than I can’t figure out so I dare not interject supposition. But I will say this Parkinson’s has shown me that if YOU, I, do not live this life each day to the fullest of your hearts desires that it simply won’t happen. One must not live in fear of self or fear of others. If we do then one has instantly and willfully give power of self over and stopped living or being the best “me” you as possible.
Sorry to ramble off track. I’m supposed to be in Portland today doing neuropsychologist stuff but she’s sick. So guess who gets to be Benjamins shrink today……? You guys lol. No… Actually not. I’ve since decided to not share #realtalk life shit (relationships stuff) anywhere anymore. Sadly here on this topic I have to be hypocritical as I normally encourage free speech of all kinds. But to much damage has been done to me and through me by social media on this subject. So I’ll chat and write about everything except. My deep personal relationships. It’s sad but ultimately a necessity. I’d hope to have this place be safe so the world could see what PD can do to a real human life. Not Michael J. Ali or Brian Grant. All cool dudes I’ve met with and (not Ali) spoke to about PD but not true examples of life with PD sick or not these folks live “padded” lives. Again oops I’m off the rails today with a sick shrink today. Okay alright some Waxing poetic…
Words :The light in your smile and tears in your heart always drew me in. The fixer, mentor, empathic friend and lover I’ve been in this life. Yet today I feel bare to the world, racing hearts beating beats faster each moment thinking about the future of the future of me. I love to love and I fear the shadows in the darkness as much as any other. But each day I raise my sword and shield. I reach for your burdens both of youth and cancerous disconnect. I’ve tried with all my wisdom and fortitude to the right thing time and again yet this atlas of human guise grows so weak and tired of the fight. I have not the heart to fight for words not my own. I give what and I have yet I fear this tree of life he been picked bare. Do you want this husk of a man you once new but saw a defect free. Now you’ve seen me, tasted my heart and soul looked into fears lining the lonely eyes of madness and seen my true fearful childish self. Do not hasten with judgment nor disconnected heart. But reach deep, more deeply than ever and choose to live by the heart or love by the mind either way I choose to live time and time again. For know these are the lost and rambling thoughts of a man driven mad by love, a broken heart and dreams sacrificed for a life never seen to its fruition. Now I write soon I will paint and sleep. Then it will all happen again. Each and Every day. So if you,, I, he, she, me, we, them are not living the life you need, change it. I’ve wasted so much of my life living in worries and regret,fear of living in the moment because I was afraid of the future. Paradoxical isn’t it. Any how. The End.
B. 2016 “a life in progress.”
(the moon, a tree and the fire in me.) Autumn Song. 8×10 inks and acrylic on canvas. Nfs. *PS that k you Mari for finding the light and hope in this piece, you saw its hope and I saw its hurt. Thank you for giving me an optional perspective.